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Honey is Sweet

Must say no - 2007-12-08

Sometimes, when I've been away for a while (it has been a while, hasn't it?) I'm amazed to come back and see so much red in my buddy list.

I wonder if I can commit to writing once a week here on a regular schedule?

I've been so busy, overwhelmed, and mostly happy about it.

I need to figure out a balance, 'cause there's only twenty-four hours in a day, and I'm only really functional for a few of them. I just can't keep up with everyone and everything I've been doing on line, and with my f2f friends, and with what housework I can do, and studying Hebrew in my copious spare time, and shopping, and being the 'go-to' girl for every single person who has ever heard of me and is having some sort of family/emotional/recovery crisis.

I exaggerate a bit on that last, but only slightly.

Someone came to me with the latest problem a couple of days ago and the first thing that came into my head is 'I can't save all the world's children.' And I can't. I know that. You know that. Even all the people bugging me for help, suggestions and advice know that. It doesn't stop them.

Abused children, children who weren't abused but were taken away by the state anyway, children who's mother is neglectful and who need medical care, children who have no clothing or toys or art supplies, children being left alone (at the ages of four, and five, and eight!) to fend for themselves for hours, sometimes whole days, after dark, in some cases with no food they can prepare for themselves.

And then there's my children. Who are not, as far as I can be sure, abused, neglected, lost, alone, but want my attention and to have all of their needs met, most of their wants, their fears soothed and their problems fixed, by me.

I have to say no. I am better, much better, at saying no than an awful lot of people I know. Better than I used to be. But not good enough, yet.

Anyway, so I've been making the decision not to write here, or even to read here some nights, in order to sleep. I've been blowing off my email and most of my f2f friends. Recovering from surgery and saving the world.

I'm even starting to say no to people who phone me with some sort of crisis. The woman who was contacted by DSS (that's Massachusetts, different letters in different states but it's all the same social services quagmire), and visited and is anxiously waiting to hear if they decide to open a file on her - I didn't even respond directly. I did send some suggestions through a mutual friend. Someone else phoned me from the courthouse - literally sitting outside the courtroom and she phones me to tell her what to do. I didn't. For one thing, the time to call me is months before you are sitting outside the courtroom (her situation has been going on for months), not at the last possible minute hoping I can pull a rabbit out of a hat. For another, I can't save everybody. Wouldn't have a chance if I tried, and I'm not trying!

Years ago, I used to complain 'how do these people get my number?' Now I know. It's Hashem. He has it in for me. HH1/2K - 1/2 kidding.

Good, fun stuff. Tuesday TH and I went out and bought two beds and a television. The two beds won't arrive for a week and a half from now, but the television is already sitting in our new den. New, in that it used to be the boys' bedroom. Now it's a den. With a 32" television.

Talk about conspicuous consumption. But we've been subsisting on one 11" flat screen television for the last four and a half years. Enough, already. I actually wanted a 37" (just to be sure I wouldn't regret not getting a bigger one later), but Hashem pointed this one out to us with a big red neon pointer. Figuratively. And it was almost 1/3 off. And they threw in a hand mixer - something I haven't had and have wanted for over a year - as a 'Hanukkah gift.' Whee!

The new beds are for D3 and myself. Another great deal, we got two beds for the same price I thought I would have to pay for one. Mine has one of those pneumatic lift things so I can stop propping myself up with huge piles of pillows and just let the bed do the work. D3's is a kind of bed I've only seen in Israel. It's like a daybed, with a rollaway bed underneath, and the top, main bed/sofa opens up for storage inside.

Having bought the beds and television, we then moved everything that we could around. S3 has a new bedroom, which used to be the office. TH finally has a room all his own, or it will be when he gets his desk out of S3's new room. S2 has his own room in the small house. The bathroom now has room in it for the clothes hamper, a nice change.

Along with all of that, TH broke the lid of the new crockpot we just bought. The kids broke the toaster (trying to fish out bread using a knife, or knives. Fortunately no one was electrocuted), there are some other breakages as well, but I haven't the brain... Oh, yes, TH broke the scale. Amazing and well done! He deserves some sort of medal for that, I think.

My hands and wrists are giving up. I guess that means I've rambled long enough. I don't know what will happen. I've got to get better at saying no. I've got to make room in my life to keep some social connections open, but I can't manage all of the ones I have right now. I need time for my kids and time for me. I WANT a new laptop, which will allow me to be a bit more efficient at doing some of the things I need to do. I need more sleep.

So glad to hear from so many of my d-land friends tonight. Welcome back to one, best wishes to another, happy holidays to everyone. I'm really not as much of a jerk as I sound like sometimes. Sometimes I hate it that I'm still learning to do this stuff (deal with people, be social, have relationships). But, it's better than not learning. Good night.

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:: Yesterdays : Tomorrows ::

~~~Last Five Entries~~~
Hi and goodbye - 2010-10-15
I'll be moving on - 2010-10-10
Gold membership and stuff - 2010-10-10
Decisions, decisions - 2010-10-07
Days to go - 2010-10-06