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Honey is Sweet

The Day - 2007-12-26

I'm kind of glad not many of my d'land friends updated today (at least as of when I've gone to bed). I don't know why - yes, I do. I actually have a shot of getting to sleep at a semi-reasonable hour, and I don't have to deal with the question of read? or sleep? Don't know why it's such a big deal, it just is.

I have to write one email (please Hashem) which I would put off but it's been sitting around long enough to be uncomfortable. I'm someone who has a hard time pushing things off. The longer they go un-done, to more uncomfortable I feel, so it's just easier for me in the long run to get them done in a timely fashion - whether it's difficult emails, tax returns, or dumping a boyfriend. Of course I haven't had to do that last for more than a couple of decades ... thank goodness!

What to write about my life? But, I don't want to. I've been busy, and if I think about it it becomes hard. When i don't think too hard and just do whatever seems to be the next thing it flows fairly easily. Although it doesn't seem to get me enough sleep. *wry grin* Well, anyway, we went to the shuk today and I walked it, pushing the wheelchair in front of me as a walker. That's a good thing, a sign of improvement. It would be nice if improvement actually meant something - but it just means working my way towards my next relapse.

Now, that's not being negative. If you think that either you don't know me or you haven't been paying attention. My usual pattern is to begin to do better, recovering from the latest relapse, and then I get all these fantasies going in my head about how I'm just going to keep on getting better and better and then I will be able to function like an able-bodied person (to BE an able-bodied person) and the M.S. will go into permanent remission or it will really all turn out to be just inside my head (psychosomatic, although they don't use the word, that's what they mean), and I'll have healed enough between the ears that I don't 'need' to be disabled any more and so on and on and on and on...

And of course it never lasts because I am not going to get all better (after twenty years, at least I've figured that out), and I am really just setting myself up for massive disappointment, depression, and so forth when it turns out that it's a remission, not even a complete remission, that WILL be followed by another relapse.

Mind you, I am perfectly willing for Hashem to make me all better. Any time. Whether He cures the M.S., puts me into terminal remission (meaning lasting until death, you know), or makes it so that it really is/was all psychosomatic and I am healed enough between the ears not to need to be disabled any longer, it would all be okay with me.

But until I have some actual reason to believe that that is happening, it is much, much better that I bear in mind that this is merely a break - mind you a much appreciated one - between my periods of completely being nonfunctional. *sigh*

I have a dream where I live a life in which I don't explain myself at all, to anyone. With the necessary change in circumstances that I don't have to because I don't go through my life being continually misunderstood in a negative way. Why doesn't anyone ever misunderstand me in a complimentary way? Is it just me, or is it like that for everyone? I surely am tired of people coming up with the worst possible explanation or excuse for what I said, what I meant, what I did or how I looked. I don't know which I want less - that it's like this for everyone, or that it's just me. They are both such bad options...

Well, I'm going to write that email now I guess. I for one am glad the holiday is over. It has nothing to do with me, but I only have another three or four weeks of Xmas related emails, ecards, and other crap to live through before I stop having it thrown in my face. I am sorry if I offend anyone, but not only isn't the whole world Xtian, but Xtians aren't even in the majority.

Eh, it's just one of those things. I spent too much of my life hating it, it will take a few more years perhaps before I can accept people wishing me a 'Merry Xmas' without even a little bit of resentment. 'Cause I'm only human. It is getting better.

I hate the last few days before the end of the month. And this is the last few days before the end of the year as well. It undoubtedly affects my mood. I'm not feeling so negative it's just coming out that way. Another reason to stop typing here already.

I do hope that all of my friends who celebrate Xmas have had or are having a truly wonderful holiday, that there is plenty of love to go 'round, and that your homes and families are all blessed.

Well I wish that last for everyone, regardless of whether or not they celebrate Dec. 25th as a holiday. A long time ago we used to have our annual Dec. 25th parties. We'd rent maybe six videos on a theme, invite over a bunch of non-xtian friends, play games, make popcorn, drink soda, and just have a good time. 'Cause there just wasn't anything else to do. Nowadays at least some shops, malls and movie theatres are open, even in New England. Not so many, but some.

Well, I'm really going to stop already. And write an email. And get some sleep. Hashem willing.

Good night

0 bleats so far

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~~~Last Five Entries~~~
Hi and goodbye - 2010-10-15
I'll be moving on - 2010-10-10
Gold membership and stuff - 2010-10-10
Decisions, decisions - 2010-10-07
Days to go - 2010-10-06