I'm grateful for: Psalm CII; candles and candle wax; S1's W2's being here safely.

I'm back and as usual lately at a loss for what to write about. If my life was quieter I could probably write about it, but as it is ... well, partly I haven't enough brain, but mostly I just wouldn't even know where to start.

The (evil) kabas is supposed to be coming to our house on Wednesday, bringing along someone from the misrad hachinuch (Ministry of Education). According to what TH understood, in theory they are going to come here, check out the house, and sign the paperwork that ought to make us good with the ministry. That is the theory. I'm not sure we understood. I'm not sure that even if that is what was said, that that is what will happen. The lawyer is talking as if going to court is a possibility we ought reasonably to expect. She doesn't understand that I don't *do* court. I'm tempted to just leave the country rather than face that.

Well, it's not up to me, is it? If it was up to me I wouldn't be in this situation in the first place.

I didn't have the root canal (2nd attempt) today. TH finally got hold of a dentist who speaks English. So they discussed it while I was theoretically asleep (I was lying in bed, not asleep but definitely not quite up yet). And after long and involved discussion the end result is I should go see the family dr. and get a piece of paper that says they can use a different anesthetic on me, and/or get me a scrip for valium, which supposedly will make the anesthetic work better. Oy! It puts off the root canal by another week or two, which is fine by me, for financial as well as stress-related reasons.

S2 took his first official driving test (road test) today, and he failed. No surprize, everyone fails the first time here. Most people seemingly fail the second time too, and often the third. There are multiple reasons, but it's the system. We are not trying to change the system, and are learning to understand it and have the patience needed for living here.

I really do like living here. Once we get past this thing with the (evil) kabas, I will be much happier, that is the truth.

I had something of a crisis last night. I was in a lot of pain and feeling overwhelmed and just there was a huge mess between my ears. I ended up writing something like a diary entry addressed to Hashem. I am so frightened all the time, frightened of outcomes that I have no control over, and frightened over things that might never happen, or are so very far in the future....

I'm finding it terribly hard to relax and just let everything be okay. Everything is okay. I like my life, I like where I live and how I live (given M.S. How I live wouldn't do for an AB-person). I love having my family with me, my kids are terrific, and all the prospects are good. It is a waste of my time and energy to be fretting and worrying about S3 learning to read, or even this stupid thing with the (evil) kabas. I wonder if there is something else going on that I am hiding from by worrying about all these other things? I've been known to do that.

I had an all new grody flashback, except that it wasn't all new. It's something I've relived before. This time it was different, my attitude and point of view was different. It's kind of cool to see that things do change and evolve - the flashbacks don't necessarily vanish, but I was able to have a bit of adult perspective, and even to choose how deeply to be into this slice of the past.

The whole money thing is worrying. I'm spending money I know we don't have, and I'm reasonably sure we won't be able to make good next month. I have to trust that Hashem will make it all work out (as has happened every time before, somehow). I ordered books and movies and some television shows on dvd. And we went out to McDonald's for supper tonight. McDonald's is not cheap here, not even inexpensive. It is the only place I know of I can be absolutely sure of getting all beef if that is what I seem to be needing.

I hope it's just a passing thing, this pointless fretting and worrying. It sure is no fun.

So there's lots of news, but I'm not terribly interested in any of it except the house the exploded in Gaza Friday night. TH was out on a walk and saw the whole western sky light up. The boom was so loud and strong I thought for sure something had landed here on the moshav. In fact I wanted to go out and try to see where it had landed. When I heard from TH about the sky lighting up, I guess we both assumed someone had hit an ammo dump. It happened once before since we've been here, and it was an impressive series of 'boom's. But - it didn't light up the sky like that, and it was a series of booms, not one huge Boom. So that was all very exciting. They say ('they' being the news reports here) that there were piece of homemade rockets raining down.

Oh, and the gub'ment apparently voted to promise to keep the promise they made last year to reinforce the houses in Sderot and other communities in the line of fire. I love it -- they promise to keep their promise. It fills me with a warm feeling, I can tell you.

I've been having fantasies of what will happen when my mother dies. I have no reason to assume that she will be dying soon, it's just that every time I hear from her (she phoned about ten days ago, and I got an email sometime recently) she devotes more than half of the time to how she's going to die soon. Or, rather, that we should expect her to die soon. Apparently she does the same thing to RS, with whom she is in much more frequent contact.

My biggest fantasy is what I will do with the money -- assuming that there is any. I want to be able to buy my home here. I want to be able to go back to Vermont and fix up the home there, and make it more secure and permanent. And that's about it. She has enough right now, even allowing for whatever taxes and debts there may be. But who knows? I'd rather it went to a long illness than that she just wasted it as she has wasted so much. But it's not my money and not my problem.

She has virtually promised me she will die when she is 72. Of course, I know that that promise isn't worth anything. In fact, I'd like to know what sort of weirdo makes a promise like that? I mean, generally. Obviously my mother is that kind of weirdo. She's going to be 69 this year. *sigh*

I don't know what that was about. I think I'm feeling how tired I am. Enough.

I'm listening to Journey: Open Arms

:: Yesterdays : Tomorrows ::

~~~Last Five Entries~~~
Hi and goodbye - 2010-10-15
I'll be moving on - 2010-10-10
Gold membership and stuff - 2010-10-10
Decisions, decisions - 2010-10-07
Days to go - 2010-10-06