Botticelli me thumbnail
- Profile -+- Notes -+-Archives-+- E-Mail -+-Diaryland-+- Fotolog -+- Latest -

Honey is Sweet

Shabbos at night - 2008-02-23

I'm grateful for: all sorts of things being better; carrot juice and sweet potatoes; NeoOffice.

Staring at the white box with no idea what to type. This is become so normal for me. It used to be that somehow the box on this page inspired me. Okay, it wasn't exactly beautiful poetry, but at least words were coming out. I don't know how much of my trouble is chronic sleep-deprivation, but I expect it is rather a lot.

It's about 1:30am, and very quiet. I heard S3 snore just as I typed that. Funny. I have a cat who manages to plop herself dead center on my bed no matter what is going on, then make it impossible for me to lie down normally on the bed. I can't even lock her out of my room really, 'cause then she scratches at the door. Forever. It keeps me awake.

I went to the chiropracter yesterday. I have one more appointment, then I have to decide if I am going to go back for more (and pay more). I have not decided. There is no question but that the chiro is helping me. On the other hand, I could really use a break from driving into Be'er Sheva every single Thursday.

I have a weird candle burning in my room. It's a fairly thick candle, about 3.5 inches in diameter. Five inches tall. It burned straight down the way they do then it started - I don't know how to describe it. The flame is recessed maybe half way up the interior of the candle, and the top half of the candle is gradually curving inward, like the petals of a flower closing, as the inside slowly melts and is consumed by the flame. Curious. It's also orange a brown, trust me, NOT my signature colours. I must've gotten it for the scent, but I'm not smelling anything of it tonight.

My nails are way too long. I can't trim them myself, and really won't have them trimmed unless it's after a bath, 'cause my nails are kind of weirdly shaped and don't trim easily. I didn't get a bath yet because of having to cancel the metapelet because of the (evil) kabas and ministry person coming on Wednesday. So anyway, nails are too long, and one of my toenails has broken or town half-way across. It doesn't hurt, but I keep thinking it is *going* to hurt. I'd like to figure out how to get it the rest of the way off, and will probably have to wait until tomorrow night at the earliest. *sigh* Able-bodied people just don't understand these kinds of problems. At least, I didn't when I was AB. I figure I was pretty typical.

Instead of sleeping last night and this morning, I was up way too late, I don't know what was going on in my head, but it definitely didn't allow for sleep. Then around 9am the technician from the cable company showed up. He wasn't supposed to be here until eleven, so of course TH wasn't here and I had to throw a dress on and cope. He says he's cleared up the static on the cable (I hope so, that'd be the cable for the computer/internet). I can't tell the difference myself. Anyway I couldn't fall back asleep, and I was more or less a zombie all day until I finally fell into a doze around 5pm.

Of course TH woke me up, he really startled me, too. I'm not angry that he woke me up, it was time to light the candles for shabbos, but I really didn't appreciate being startled (which probably wasn't his fault either, but I don't think I was dreaming anything disturbing...).

We watched Ratatuille (I'm sure I badly mis-spelled it) tonight. We've been waiting for it to be affordable, since we missed it in the theatres, and I am simply not willing to pay as much as a hundred shekel for a dvd. TH was able to get hold of a copy someone else bought, and that was our Friday night movie. It was a lot of fun, and a really great Friday night movie. The kids even forgot to get their chocolate (we always have a bit of chocolate about half-way through our Friday movies), they were so involved in it. There was one painful-ish moment, the slight lecturing/brain-washing quality with really BAD music during a talk between son and father mouse. But that was all, and we got over it an enjoyed the rest of the movie.

Honestly I'm surprized at how good it is. I don't know why I'm surprized, I guess because it's been a long time since we've all watched anything that was that good. I mean, a movie where the kids forget about chocolate. What can you say?

I've been having things moving around between my ears, a result of grody flashbacks and talks with a woman who used to know more about me than anyone alive. As a result of a sort of stroke, she doesn't know very much any more about a lot of things. And while she's a bit hard to talk to, she's still one of the few people I can just be all me around. Talking a little bit about my uncle, and memories, and things that don't quite add up. They still don't add up, but I think I may at least have recognized some of the missing pieces. It makes me feel more present, more real, and like I can think more clearly to be working on clearing this sort of thing up.

I still miss my uncle more than I have words. He died over four years ago. I feel like a bit of a crybaby really. It's not that I expected to get over it, but somehow talking about it just doesn't feel okay. Even here in my diary. Not okay because other people read it, like I'm supposed to only talk/think/write about missing him in complete privacy. It doesn't make any sense. It's feelings is all. Messy things, feelings. I often wish they weren't quite so difficult.

There have been definite and almost undeniable signs that things are actually changing with TH. Which is nothing short of a total miracle. He was a bit of an ass for a few days, particularly when I was withdrawn, dealing with my grody flashbacks and so on. But only a bit of an ass, nothing like past times. AND when I confronted him on it he got it relatively quickly (less than half an hour?) and actually apologized, a REAL apology. I asked him in the last week "who are you, and what have you done with my husband?" All I'm saying now is I would be happy to get used to being married to someone who treats me the way he is today...

I'm not holding my breath, though. I don't believe in miracle cures. I'm noting and appreciating that there have been some actual changes in how he behaves towards me. It's going to have to last a lot longer than a week or two before I put any sort of faith in it at all.

When he says he loves me, today, I wonder if maybe it might actually be true? Is it possible that all of that horrible shit was just him being sick, and underneath it all there was love? He certainly didn't just fall in love with me recently. I don't know if he knows what love is. I'm not always sure that *I* know what love is (except when it comes to my kids). But *something* motivated him to change, and it certainly wasn't because anyone waved a magick wand at him.

Well anyway, for today? I'll take it.

My Gd, he was so mean to me, I still have a hard time really grasping it all. *sigh*

I'm really tired. I hope I can sleep in in the morning. At least there won't be any technicians coming to the house.

It's a nice, quiet shabbos, with no one extra in the house, and nothing special going on. I need more days like these, more weekends like this. I suppose if I wanted more quiet I shouldn't have had so many kids. ;-) Too late for that now.

Now I've got some icky shit from my mother in my head. Time to get away from introspection, maybe play a game on the computer, or try to read a book. My mother is visiting my sister this weekend. Which means RS will be completely off her nut the next time we talk, and possibly several after that. I hope it's not too awful.

How on earth do people end up this way? Like my mother, or like me, or, well, like anyone? There is so much mean-ness in the world, and there's a great deal of goodness, but sometimes it's just too hard to find. The mean-ness on the other hand is always so in-your-face.

Enough! I'm off to get some sleep, I hope. Or grody flashbacks, or maybe even some more yucky introspection. I am going to stop typing though. Good night.

I'm listening to Counting Crows: Shallow Days

0 bleats so far

:: Yesterdays : Tomorrows ::

~~~Last Five Entries~~~
Hi and goodbye - 2010-10-15
I'll be moving on - 2010-10-10
Gold membership and stuff - 2010-10-10
Decisions, decisions - 2010-10-07
Days to go - 2010-10-06