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Honey is Sweet Stream of consciousness, sort of - 2008-03-01 I'm grateful for: a moment of just being at peace; making it to a new month; loving children. I had a moment of totally feeling okay with me. Just okay with who I am, who I've been, what I've done. It's gone now, but it was pretty nice. I could use more of that. I don't know where to start so I'm not really going to start anywhere, I'm just going to ramble, see where stream of consciousness leads me. TH told me he wants to talk to me about sex. He told me that several evenings ago, and since then? Nothing. I wanted to march into his room tonight (he'd already gone to bed) and insist that he talk to me about it now. It's not fair to leave me imagining whatever crazy things come into my head. And, if he's going to hurt me, I'd really rather just get it over with. This is just unfair to me. The only reason I haven't done just that, woken him up, besides that it is Hashem's will, is that I know if I wake him up I won't get anything coherent out of him. He may even claim he has no idea what he had in mind when he said that the other night. If that were to happen I might just kill him. So, I suppose it's best if I live with the orful fressing until tomorrow at least. Urgh. I made it down to the fields where the calaniyot (sp?) are growing. There was a festival day there, and I missed that, but I got some very nice photos. At least i hope they are nice, I've only had a few quick looks at a few of them. I took more than 200 photos, less than 300. This is major, as I've barely had the camera out for longer than I can remember. I don't dare to hope that anything might come of it, like I might actually sell some photos (or postcards, which is my dearest wish). I'm trying to just be happy that I made it out there, that photography hasn't been closed off to me as so many things have been. I didn't get to sleep in. I also didn't get anything done today - besides taking photos, I mean. D3 got a thorough clunk on her nose, she and the big dog collided. TH took her to the emergency clinic. And he did some shopping, and he put chick wire around the bottom of the chicken coop and - I don't know. The kids cleaned house. S2 did laundry. Dammit! I was feeling so good before, and now I'm just bawling. I really hate that. I didn't ask to be who/what I was, and I didn't make myself who/what I am except ... I am not responsible for having been a person-who-was-property, thrown out into the world to fend for herself with no better clue how to get on then a whipped puppy. I still feel like a whipped puppy sometimes. I didn't make myself a cripple. And I am SO tired of people telling me I wouldn't be if only I would just _______ - like it's my fault, and I could be able-bodied if I would only TRY. I didn't make myself obese - heck, I don't even *like* eating. I didn't make myself a middle-aged college drop-out with nothing to show for myself besides six wonderful children (don't get me wrong, I don't under-value them). I am so damn TIRED of being the only person reminding myself that my value is NOT determined by how much people will pay for me. My value is NOT determined by how much product I can produce. NOR is my value determined by people who don't even bother to find out anything about me before they write me off. My value is also not determined by how much or how many men want me for sex. Which is a good thing, I have to tell you. I am also bloody tired of pretending not to be who/what I am, not to have come from where I came from. I am tired of not having anyone I can just talk with - just talk - just be who I am, not worrying about watching my language, or which subjects I talk about, or keeping my mouth shut because I'm too tired to explain or really don't want to hear it from yet another person EXPLAINING to me about how the world works, and how I don't know anything about it - not because I don't, but because they have to be able to EXPLAIN. For their own reasons. Whatever they are. Guess what? They're wrong. The woman trying to convince me (in order to convince herself) that the people at the ministry of education will be reasonable about homeschooling, the person trying to explain to me how if we'd only just *LO-OVE* one another then they would stop shooting rockets at us. Oh, and how Bush stole the election, what is it, seven or eight years ago now? GET OVER IT PEOPLE!!!! I am SO tired of that shit. But anyway... Oh, on that note, the latest really crazy things from MMF is that America as we know it is all gone, and will soon be ruled (or taken over by? or bought by?) China. Don't even ask me to explain the rationale. If there even was one, trust me, I missed it. Actually her nuttiness bothers me less than some others because it is SO off-the-wall I just can't get too caught up in it. I shake my head, laugh (when I am not on the phone with her), and know that next time there will be an all NEW left-wing conspiracy theory. Yes, all of her crazy shit comes from the political left. Doesn't mean anything, the political right can be just as loco, just happens to be left in this particular case. Another friend of mine sent me a very funny email, I loved it. It's was one of those silly things - sorry you haven't heard from me I'm getting my car washed. They keep missing spots so I keep having to go back - then there's a photo of a handful of really buff, handsome young men (at least as much as you can see from the back), all of them in the nude. And covered in soap suds from washing a car, of course. I don't know why, but I really enjoyed that one. It was tasteful (unusual in the type), and of course was naked men rather than naked busty women. That helped. ;-) I do appreciate an attractive female form, but I've been enjoying looking at men more lately. Dammit, I really have to get laid again someday. You know? While we were in the calaniyot fields a rocket passed right overhead and landed in a nearby field. It failed to explode, so a lot of people missed it. Which is probably good, since the tourists who come for the calaniyot are the only tourists who ever show up on our tiny little end-of-the-world moshav. I think I forgot to mention for anyone who wants to know, calaniyot are red flowers - the buds look pretty much like rosebuds, but when they open they are more tulip-y, with a white center. They are a protected flower/plant, at one time they were almost gone because so many people wanted them. I don't *think* it's a national flower, but it is native to and almost exclusive to Israel. If not entirely exclusive. I forget. I put a photo of one up on my fotolog a while back. Maybe I'll get motivated to put up a link to the particular photo. Or not. We'll just have to see what hashem has happen. I'm feeling really tired now, having a hard time sitting up. Time to stop typing and do something else, like read one of my two books I have sitting here, making me choose between them. One is The Night Watch by Sergei Lukyanenko and the other is Scarlet Feather by Maeve Binchy. In my ideal world, I'd get to spend all day tomorrow doing nothing but reading these two books. Yet somehow still spending time with my kids reading aloud, doing jigsaw puzzles and so on. Just not enough hours in the day. I'm done. Good night. I'm listening to - oy! I can't translate or transliterate, and it's in Hebrew. Israeli rock music, anyway. It's good, too. 0 bleats so far:: Yesterdays : Tomorrows ::
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