I had two entries planned for today (which now will be three), because I wanted to write two very different things. First entry is about things that make me unhappy. Second (or third) is good things that have happened in the last few days. So, here we go.

I need to write about, well, things that bother me. Things that are about being disabled, about getting older, about spending most of my life working on being able to function because I spent my earliest years merely learning how to survive in circumstances so wildly different from outside world society it was literally like being in a different world.

It comes up all the time, almost every day, and it hurts. It really hurts. I get depressed. I feel like I don't have anything to look forward to. I start wondering if there even is any point in my continuing to live. So we are not talking about small stuff.

It's about all these things that I USED to do. There is no easy way to start this, and no starting point, really. I could make up a conversation to illustrate my point but I can't be bothered. Or arsed. So I guess I'm going to do a laundry list of things I used to do, or have done, that I no longer do any more. I no longer CAN do anymore.

1) Yoga. I even used to assist a yoga instructor, and could have taught classes myself based on my knowledge of yoga (although not in any other way)

2) Piano. I used to be able to play well enough to accompany the music theatre group at my high school. I also learned to play concert music, and performed in one or two concerts (I can't remember now if it was one or two, another thing I can't do any more is remember squat)

3) Guitar. I taught myself to play, and could play well enough for parties and the family to sing along, even though I doubt it was ever any great shakes, really.

4) Carptentry. I worked as a carpenter's assistant and made bookshelves, carved wood, made a bowl on a lathe (only one, but I could have done). I could use most of the good power tools. Power tools are fun.

5) Cooking. I could make things from scratch, and did - I could roast a large turkey or make a truly delicious chicken soup, I baked fish and deep fried smelts. I made meat loaf and fudge and casseroles and pancakes.

6) Baking. I baked bread, whole wheat bread from scratch. I made sour dough and quick breads and can do anything for a pie but the crust (TH does beautiful crusts). Not to mention cookies.

7) Canning. Which is to say everything that you have to do before canning as well. Picking cherries and strawberries and blueberries and apples and pears. And peas. Shelling peas and blanching them, making tomato sauce and sealing it in mason jars in a boiling water bath. Strawberry jam made without sugar and with the whole fruit. Also raspberry jam and blueberry. Preserving pumpkin and making our own soda and bottling that, too.

8) Sewing. I used to be able to sew, no really. I made all of my maternity clothes and almost all of D2's baby clothes. I made dress shirts for TH and sheets and bumpers for the baby's basket and curtains and swimsuits and a blazer for myself and blankets and towels. I could make patterns from finished clothes and make clothes without patterns. I still have the swimsuit I made for D2, and TH still has (although much worn) one of the dress shirts I made for him over twenty years ago now.

9) Cleaning. As I have mentioned on occasion I am a real neat/clean freak. I could very well have driven myself completely insane cleaning up after children and my husband had I NOT become disabled. I truly cannot (couldn't) stand to see trash outside of a trashcan or dirty dishes in the sink. My house was uncluttered and immaculate. Once upon a very long time ago...

10) Learning languages. Okay, so I was a child when I learned to speak in somewhere between a half dozen and a dozen different languages, each in practically no time at all. And now I'm an adult, and I can neither speak in any of the languages I learned as a child, nor can I manage even a simple chat in Hebrew. And, my English is going away. It is terribly depressing.

11) Dance. I used to dance. I used to love to dance. I used to live to dance, and dance to live. It's been literally decades since I could dance in any way that gave me pleasure. I can't even talk about it, it hurts too much.

12) Walking. Yes, I can stagger to the bathroom, or navigate around a supermarket while hanging on to a trolley/shopping cart. I used to go for miles long walks on shabbos just because I loved it. We went hiking in national forests for our vacations and, well, 'nuf said about that, too.

13) Knitting. I used to knit. A lot. I don't know if I will ever do again. Maybe I will. I can't right now.

14) Gardening. I was an avid and successful gardener. I grew peas and tomatoes and strawberries and melons and potatoes and peppers and broccoli... never had any luck with cucumbers. Ah, well.

I used to chop wood, both for the split wood and to work off excess energy, anger, frustration. I used to play games with my children, push them on swings, study with them and read to them (I still read to them occasionally). I worked as a computer professional and consultant and trainer. I worked as a proof-reader (can't remember it properly any more). I reared my children, treated their wounds and illnesses homeopathically, had no white or brown sugar in my house, we ate whole grains and almost entirely vegetarian. My husband and I homesteaded a piece of land, on which I raised rabbits and chickens and goats, and llamas and geese. And dogs and cats. And four parakeets, guinea pigs, hamsters, gerbils, an iguana, and, and, and, I can't remember it all.

Now I go to the zoo and listen to the moms there talk about how they are making clothing for the kids (I used to do that), and baking bread from scratch (I used to do that), and learning to ride a horse (I used to do that) and, and, and, and...

And the only thing I can contribute to the conversation is 'I used to do that.' So I sit silently. And sad. What do I do all day? Nothing much. Nothing at all that provides me with the satisfaction of fitting a dress or boiling down jam. Nothing that leaves me with anything to show for it, I have nothing I've made, nothing I've accomplished that I can show to anyone that is not a decade old at least.

I knew enough about sewing to be able to make helpful suggestions to these younger mothers who're just figuring out what the selvage is. But no one wants to hear it from me because I don't do it. I can't participate in the knitting discussions my friend MS constantly wants me to join because I am not in fact knitting anything at all. I spun fiber into yarn and made boot socks that kept feet warm in New England in the winter and didn't fall down inside the boots (this is not a small thing). No one wants to hear about it.

Everything I've done is in the past. Everything I loved (except my kids of course) is in the past. I do nothing, I make nothing, I have nothing to contribute that anyone wants to hear.

What is left for me except to lose what few remaining skills and abilities I have? What do I have to look forward to? I spent five years learning Torah and today I can't come up with the words to explain any of it if I wanted to.

Is it just the M.S.? Is it just getting older? Is it being someone in a new country who doesn't speak the language and has no contacts with the sort of people I might reach out to who would want what I have?

I just don't know. All I know is the list of things I used to do and do no longer keeps growing longer, almost daily, and there is no list of new things replacing it. If everything that I loved is behind me, then what is the point of going forward? I just have so very much to mourn. I'm not saying my life isn't good, but my life seems to be over. All but the slow decline into bedridden incontinence. I'm so enthused.

I am not writing/didn't write a gratitude list for this entry. That's what the next list is - the up side of this down side. I hope. Meanwhile, I don't have any answers to my losses and my grief. I really was someone who did things. I WAS! I wasn't always this fat, crippled thing who sits in bed all day reading news on the internet. I had a LIFE! I WAS someone. What am I now?

I just don't have the answers right now.

:: Yesterdays : Tomorrows ::

~~~Last Five Entries~~~
Hi and goodbye - 2010-10-15
I'll be moving on - 2010-10-10
Gold membership and stuff - 2010-10-10
Decisions, decisions - 2010-10-07
Days to go - 2010-10-06