What she wrote:

We didn't make it to the allergist appointment we were supposed to go to.� Both of us woke up feeling really yucky again.� I don't know how to handle this feeling so yucky all the time.� I'm beginning to believe that this is what life is going to give me and either I accept it & find a way to live with it, or sit around being miserable and sickly the rest of my life.� It just gets so hard.� I was sure when we got our of [state 1] that things would be better.� But they aren't.� People keep telling me that it's because of weather other things here in [state 2] that we have all this illness.� Example:� Today it was 70 degrees, tomorrow it will be 85 degrees & the forcast for Friday is 68 degrees.� Your body just can't seem to catch up.
�
[Girlfriend] is again working on her dolls.� She works so hard on them.� Hours after hours after hours.� She puts in a full day of work on them & still isn't happy with her work.� She keeps asking me if they will sell on ebay.� I don't know one wa or the other.� I can see the great transformation they have made, but I don't know if others will.� I just wish she could get something back for all she's put into it.� There's not only all the work, she's put $1000+ into them too.� She's got bills every where trying to make a go of this business.� I just feel so badly that she can't see results yet & still is in this limbo.

My response:

I know for me that I had to accept that I was going to feel yucky - today. �Now, I'm going back a whole lotta years, not having a dx (the M.S.) or any long-term experience w/being disabled. �I spent years and years and years trying to get better instead of figuring out how to live the best I could as I was. �When I finally started working on acceptance, I couldn't just say to myself 'I'm going to be like this the rest of my life, I'd better get used to it." I probably would've killed myself or something. �So what I did was I worked on not thinking/worrying/hoping about anything beyond today. �TODAY, I feel yucky. �TODAY my body is not working. �Tomorrow is not my problem. I have to live TODAY and do the best I can with what I am capable of. �What needs to get done I have to trust that Hashem will manage to make happen. �What He doesn't have happen I have to work on believing really didn't 'need' to be done.

Sure, it's hard and it's scary and it's no fun at all at first. �The only thing to recommend it is that it was better than working/hoping/trying to change what was, and missing out on what I could have been doing with my life. �I not only had the M.S. to live with, I had chronic, sometimes unendurable pain and I had a seemingly endless series of colds/flu/allergies that kept me from sleeping and made feeling good impossible. �While I was pregnant with D3 I once got a cold that lasted over three months. �My body just couldn't cope with everything.

I had to learn to accept that pain was a constant part of my life, and that being sick wasn't going to go away with vitamins or dr.s �I didn't do it by believing I was going to be sick for the rest of my life, I did it by believing that Hashem could remove these things if He so chose, and for whatever reason He wasn't choosing to do it TODAY.

Now my story has a 2/3 happy ending, because that incredible, unbelievable, unbearable chronic pain was finally cured. �So simply, by a dr. here in Israel who treated the pain instead of worrying about what was causing it. �It is a miracle, not because it couldn't have happened without Gd's help, but because it so clearly happened at the time that HE decided it should happen. �Why in the previous 20+ years had I not run into a dr. to do what this one did? �No answer, other than Hashem. �Why did Hashem think I needed to endure that awful, horrible pain? �No clue, but I do believe that there was some reason, and I may even find out what it was someday.

Likewise, the colds/flu/allergies. �Of course I still have allergies, and of course I still get colds and the flu occasionally. �But it is only occasionally and it never lasts for such unreasonable periods of time. �Where I used to know I would be sick for at least 3/4 of every winter, not even counting the rest of the year, now I know it is possible for me to get through a WHOLE winter without a single viral illness. �Why? �Why is my body able to cope now with what it couldn't cope with for more than ten years? �I don't know. �I assume Gd does, and He's not telling.

Then the M.S. �Well, that is still with me. �And I don't know from one day to the next if I will be able to get out of bed, or hold a book, or go out for a whole day of shopping and visiting. �Today I am having a great deal of trouble getting out of bed. �The M.S. is not going to go away. �I can accept that now, but first I had to accept that none of my problems would be fixed TODAY, and TODAY is the only day I get to have.

Am I pounding this home with a hammer? �It is SO important. �I believe that I have not in my whole life run into anything harder to deal with than chronic illness. �Even the incest/ritual abuse stuff was easier, 'cause I knew it was something I could do something about. �I could face the memories and learn to live better. �But chronic illness? �That is true powerlessness. �The only way it was possible to accept this was by narrowing my focus and working extra, double, super hard on my faith. �ESPECIALLY because we are surrounded by able-bodied people telling us what we have to do to be just like them. �I CAN'T be just like them, I will never be just like them, and it is not because I am bad, or lacking in willpower, or lazy - it is because Hashem, for whatever reason, thinks I need to rely on Him more than they seem to need to. �Being chronically ill means being dependent. �The good news is that I can depend on Him, I am not restricted by people, institutions or any other human invention. �He can and does make sure that I get what I need, as long as I let Him.

I do hope that [girlfriend] is able to make some money from her dolls, but I even more hope that she is able to relax and enjoy what she does and trust that whatever results come from it are from Hashem. �We do the work, He determines the results. �Life is too short to make yourself unhappy if you have a choice about it.

***

I'm not having a good body day, but otherwise things are good here. �S1 is supposed to be starting a job up in Petakh Tikvah, the job D2 had before she started working nights making candy. �In theory he needs to start work on Sunday, but the woman hasn't talked to us, so it's probably going to be later in the week, sometime. �S2 just got word that he can take his driving test, hopefully next Friday. �Which means he has to take some more lessons, to be sure he's at his best for the test, but this is really good news. �If he passes, then that is a big milestone out of the way. �TH and I have had a couple of really good conversations. �I'm guessing his mid-life crisis has caused him to actually think for the first time in his life. �And things are definitely better there. �Life really is good today. �My body isn't working, though, and that really sucks. �Ah, well, I can do the things that need to happen today (basically food shopping) and that's all that I need to do. �Of course I wish I could do more, but I can't. �So I'm going to try to enjoy the beautiful weather, the peace and quiet of my home, and the cat curled up against my leg purring.

So that's my gratitude list and what I'm listening to all rolled up into one. How neat. :-)

:: Yesterdays : Tomorrows ::

~~~Last Five Entries~~~
Hi and goodbye - 2010-10-15
I'll be moving on - 2010-10-10
Gold membership and stuff - 2010-10-10
Decisions, decisions - 2010-10-07
Days to go - 2010-10-06