I'm grateful for: a re-attached crown; family and friends; my own room.

I'm just now reading and catching up on some diaryland friends. Seems I've missed out on some pretty big stuff.

I've just been mostly laying around feeling sorry for myself as my body is in such bad shape. Going to the dentist today was a trip - I was literally falling out of my wheelchair as I had to wait there for over an hour (I think). I haven't the strength or stamina or whatever-it-is to sit up that long. Different people kept asking if I was okay. Um, you think maybe not? Or, I'm sitting here falling out of my w/chair 'cause I have anything better to do? They were all very nice, but more than a little bit clueless. At least the crown was put back on my tooth, so now I have one side of my mouth I can chew with.

Also having grody flashbacks at a level I've never had before. It's good, but very, very hard. I want them to continue, but I just want them to stop. Now. Forever. I only want them to go on because, like being constipated, it feels so good when they are finally out in the open.

I feel guilty, honestly, that I've missed things and not been there for certain d'land friends. I think that's kind of stupid, 'cause anyone here has lots of support and friends outside of me. I feel sorry for me in a way - missing out on big things in friends' lives means being more distant, and I'm not wanting any more distance in my life.

Except that I am. Particularly distance from the telephone. I spoke with D2 today, that wasn't too bad. She went on a job interview but didn't get the job, which is no problem as she didn't want it (and I didn't want her to work there, either). She's got two more interviews in the next week, one of which is the job I want for her. For one thing, it is in the same city as her apartment. That's big. The conversation with D2 wasn't too long or hard, although I had to sit staring at my breakfast unable to eat it for about half the conversation. I did finally break it off, feeling bad about cutting her off while she was stranded at a train station (one reason for not wanting her to take that job - it's hard to imagine someplace harder to get to). I needed to eat breakfast.

Then there was the fun and excitement of the trip to the dentist, and after that TH and S2 and I went grocery shopping. I did better in the wheelchair there, it wasn't just sitting and waiting for one thing. Mostly S2 pushed the w/c and TH pushed the trolley/cart. Agala in Hebrew. Anyway, shopping went well, we didn't over spend (a miracle). Afterwards we went to a kenyone looking for a decent public bathroom. This can be something of a challenge in Israel.

Fortunately at Be'er Sheva 'Big' (the name of the kenyone), there is a McDonald's, and even in Israel they keep the bathrooms clean. Unfortunately it is not a kosher McDonald's, so the only thing I could get there was a Sprite. The soft drink, you know.

We cruised around the kenyone (mall) looking for a bookstore which had closed in the kenyone hamemshelah (so called because of all the government offices there), and which was supposedly re-opening at the 'Big.' No luck.

Back home I crawled into bed, I don't care to think about how badly I hurt. And I lay here in something of a stupor until the phone rang. I can't remember who that was. Then I phoned MMF, but we only talked very briefly, sad, since that was the only conversation I had that was for my benefit. RS phoned, looking for a shrink, advisor and big sister/mom type person. I answered, reassured, listened, gave my considered opinions as requested. I couldn't tell you how long we were on the phone, but I do know that I told her I needed to get going at 9pm and finally got off the phone by 9:45pm. It's all too much, but that wasn't enough because D1 called. She also had what to say that required encouragement, advice, clear thinking, all that good stuff that one calls one's ima (mother) for, and I can't say I object, but I was/am really tired, and in horrible pain, and I just can't stand spending four hours a day helping other people with their shit and not feeling like I get anything for it.

That's not quite what it is, but I lack the words. It's not like I want payback. My kids don't 'owe' me for coming to me for the things parents are supposed to provide. I'd certainly rather have the relationship I have with my sister, where she phones me for my advice and perspective, than the one I used to have in which she made herself feel better about herself by putting me down.

But, I mean, if I'm going to spend four hours (or more) a day dispensing advice and wisdom, listening and sympathizing, giving support and the occasionally needed sharp toed kick-in-the-ass, then can't I at least get paid for it? There are an awful lot of people out there who aren't anywhere near as good at this as I am getting paid, why not me?

It's an old complaint. I don't know why I feel that way. I have the support I get for being disabled (thank you Israel!), and I am supported as well by my excellent provider-husband and taken care of as well by my husband and adult children who actually fall over themselves to help me for the most part. I feel guilty, depending on my children, but the fact is that not allowing them to take care of me would be mean. The important thing is that the kids have to know they have the right to say 'no.' It can't be a burden on them, taking care of me. And so far, as long as there are enough teenagers in the house, I'm unlikely to need to lean too hard on any one son or daughter. And as the numbers of children in the household decline, I don't need as much help. Funny how that works.

What I'm saying is, I don't really have anything to complain about. I don't *need* any more than I have. I just feel, after one of these days, that I am being drained and not getting enough in return. Not getting anything in return. Since the support that I get, both practical and monetary, is completely disconnected from the things that I do for other people.

Well, I don't know what the point of all that was. And it's after 4am, so's I'd best try and get some sleep. So I can be pretty well non-functional again tomorrow. At least I have no need to leave the house, and especially not to the dentist. Oy!

I'm listening to Stevie Wonder: Higher Ground

:: Yesterdays : Tomorrows ::

~~~Last Five Entries~~~
Hi and goodbye - 2010-10-15
I'll be moving on - 2010-10-10
Gold membership and stuff - 2010-10-10
Decisions, decisions - 2010-10-07
Days to go - 2010-10-06