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Honey is Sweet Prolific - 2008-04-15 I'm grateful for: faith that despite everything going wrong, things will work out; a York peppermint patty in my desk drawer; lungfish. I'm being awfully prolific, writing and writing and writing. Not all here, obviously. Not all good, equally obviously. But writing. I hate my writing 'voice.' I have always hated it. I really, really, really hate it. I think I've finally figured out why, though. I think it goes all the way back to first being confronted with English. I was pretty young, and hadn't that much experience with any language, but I was thrown into the situation of having to use English NOW, with no ramping up, and sometimes hideous consequences if I screwed it up. My solution was to become mute. I didn't make a sound for something like two years - after which time I was able to speak English well enough to pass. I have at best a love/hate relationship with the language. It is the only language in which I am literate, however. So writing is a strain at the best of times. The words, the language, don't/doesn't work for me, I feel I am always trying to express something that English doesn't get right. So a lot of my writing has been working on finding my authentic voice, or something like that. Trying to find in myself the language that works for me to express Me. I haven't got it yet, but I am working on it. I hope it works. It would be nice to be comfortable with myself. With writing as my main outlet for communication these days, it's that much more important. Who knows where it goes from here? Not I. I am carefully picking my way, hoping to find the remains of a path still visible enough to be followed. While all kinds of different English words and tones and styles knock about it my head. Have I mentioned that I hate English? Maybe it's not the language that I hate, though, maybe it's just not finding my place in it. Meanwhile, I remain homely and lonesick, but for the moment satisfied at least. After too much work and discussion and effort on my part, TH and I managed to have 'marital relations' again tonight. I dunno, so much excitement, can I handle it? Things are getting better. No, really. I'm listening to Johnnie Taylor: I Believe In You 0 bleats so far:: Yesterdays : Tomorrows ::
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