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Honey is Sweet

The beginning of Passover - 2008-04-21

I'm grateful for: an emptier house; a successful seder; money for groceries.

I have so much to write about I have nothing to write about. The last few days have been such a whirlwind I'm still spinning a bit. Preparing for Pesach and the seder, guests, new insights, lack of sleep, cooking, yucky feelings, guests, dogs, children, too much, too much, too much.

April 20th is the day we agreed a long time ago to celebrate my birthday. I was a bit of an idiot, I've been unable to cope with the issue so I've just let it slide, telling people I don't know when we are celebrating my birthday, because TH doesn't tell me anything. Which is very true, as we haven't actually celebrated my birthday on April 20th in a few years due to bad planning of lack of caring on his part, and I've just been so focused on survival and needing to save my energy for battling him on more important issues. So, April 20th came and went, and there was nothing said or done about my birthday, until at around 10:30pm, my brother commented that it was my birthday, and I think wished me a happy one. I'm not sure because the phone connection was that bad that my sister had to tell me afterwards what he was talking about.

I brushed it off at the time, but realized I've been lying to myself - lying that it's not important, when birthday's have always been terribly important in my worldview. Lying to myself that I don't care about it or don't want it celebrated - the truth is that I do care, and maybe I don't want to celebrate, particularly when we are broke and overwhelmed, but that doesn't mean I want it ignored and forgotten. Lying to myself that somehow this was between TH and myself. BULLSHIT. This is about me brushing off/blowing off something I want, that is really important to me, because once again TH made it seem too difficult, too much bother to try and get it.

I cried a lot. I'm still feeling raw and sore and, I'm staying up too late and will wake up too late as a means of not having to cope with people for a while. The day we celebrate my birthday (since I'm not sure exactly when I was born), the day we celebrate ME - which is what birthday's are about - is April 20th. I'm not pretending any more. I'm not going to wait for TH to get his ass in gear, or try to guilt him into anything, he is not a part of this. I don't want to be nudging people or pushing or hinting about it, some people will remember the day, some won't, some will want to help me celebrate, or will want to celebrate the fact that I am here, that I exist, that I am, and some won't, and it's certainly not up to me to try and make anyone fit into either group. I KNOW my kids would've done something if I hadn't been hiding, with my head up my a**, and not talking to them about it. I know there are friends who would've at least sent birthday wishes. I just totally screwed myself over this year. I'm not going to do that any more.

I hope.

I've been really fighting with some stuff regarding my uncle (my favourite perp) and grody flashbacks and just so many things I've questioned and hurt about and, well, since he died I kind of went into a mental/emotional tailspin both about what happened when he died, and all sorts of unanswered questions that now will never be answered. I'm not sure, 'cause it might come back and bite me on the a** again, but I think I've reached a kind of acceptance with it. Sadly, the acceptance also starts with tears (don't they all?) as I can finally see things I hid from myself 'cause I just couldn't face them. Like, I just wasn't that important to him. Maybe I was important, but not terribly, not like he was to me. I suppose that's okay in some ways; as a kid he was my whole world - as the only viable alternative to my mother - but I couldn't/shouldn't expect to be that for him. It gives me some sanity, some distance to look at things again, some peace. And it hurts - not because I wanted to be that important to him, but because (and this is a repeating thread in my relationships with people other than my children) I want to be that important to SOMEONE.

It is not unreasonable that I should want there to be someone, some adult human with whom I have a relationship, for whom because something is important to me, it should matter to him/her. I'm not asking to be the centre of anyone's world, or to have someone willing to die for me, or think I'm the best 'anything.' I just want there to be a person, in my real life, *Other than my childreN* (with children it's different), who cares about what is important to me, just because it is important to me. None of them do. Not my mother, not my (real) sister or my (foster) brother, not my husband certainly. I have friends, but no really close friends. How much of that is me, and how much of that is just bad luck I haven't the foggiest way of guessing, and I don't think it's important just at this moment.

Anyway, that's a lot of my lifetime misery right there. Well, outside of decades of torture and abuse and self-hatred and failure and being crippled and all that sort of shit. For a lot of that stuff, it was just pain. Misery is optional. Or something like that. I doubt I'm expressing this well, but I don't care right now.

It's after 3am, and I really do want to get some sleep. Although I don't think it's very likely.

I'm also very hungry. We haven't much food in the house. We also have three extra people, although D2 is going back to her apartment in the morning. The other extras are S1 and D. I have no clue what we will do for breakfast or lunch, although the beef stew came out very well, and there should be plenty left, so that may be lunch if I can only come up with other things to go with it.

TH is driving D2 north, with a desk for her apartment. He will presumably help her get it upstairs and put it together. Then theoretically he will go by work for a while, then come home. We are supposed to be having our time alone together, as we do on Monday nights. If I feel then like I do now, I won't want to be alone with him. I don't like him enough right now to have to make conversation, and I don't want to talk about myself with him certainly. I don't want to listen to him go on about whatever-the-f**k he goes on about - usually it's work, and I don't generally mind listening, but not now. I'm too pissed off.

Anyway, I am awfully bloody sick of myself, so I'm going to stop, and lose myself in a book, and maybe even get some sleep.

I'm listening to the Dubliners: Gentleman Soldier

0 bleats so far

:: Yesterdays : Tomorrows ::

~~~Last Five Entries~~~
Hi and goodbye - 2010-10-15
I'll be moving on - 2010-10-10
Gold membership and stuff - 2010-10-10
Decisions, decisions - 2010-10-07
Days to go - 2010-10-06