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Honey is Sweet Thinking - 2008-04-28 I'm grateful for: a good night's sleep, even if it happened in the morning; days when I can just shut the door; a big lens. I just wrote a comment on someone else's blog that was way too long, and if written probably should have been a diary entry, not a comment, and I thought about it after I had posted the blog (and realized belatedly how long and probably inappropriate it was) and thought about copying it to here and realized that I really don't want to, I don't want anyone to read it - not because I said anything wrong but because I was intense and feel strongly about what I wrote and I am always so embarrassed when I do that (in print or in real life) which, just maybe, is something I need to look at. I get impassioned and often write stuff I wish I hadn't. Often it's because what I wrote really isn't appropriate or to the point or even what I'm really having the strong feelings about. It sucks when that happens. In this case it's just that the comment is too long, and *because* I feel strongly about what I wrote I don't want other people dissing it. Which with any luck they probably won't, at least in my hearing/eyesight. I get impassioned and when it's in voice I get shrill. It's just an awful feeling. Yuck. I'm thinking that this is really about my feeling that I can't convince, or even connect with others about what I am saying. Maybe I need to give them a chance? I don't know. I know I get frustrated, and shrill, because I do not feel like I can convince, or even connect. And being shrill just makes it that much harder for other people to listen and hear anything other than the shrillness. I'm battling unspoken assumptions here. That is the hardest thing in the world to come to grips with in anyone for anything. My unspoken assumption in this is that it doesn't matter what I say because they won't hear what I am saying anyway. And that makes me crazy. But I don't want to only preach to the choir. There is no point in that and it is ultimately futile. Unfulfilling. I want to speak my words in the marketplace of ideas and have them get a fair hearing. That's what I want, and maybe it isn't possible, but I need to stop pretending that that is NOT what I want, or pretending that it is possible to challenge people's unspoken assumptions and not get a lot of flack for it. A LOT of flack. I need to accept that and get on, or step down and accept I'm not able to stand up to a battle of wits. Hmmm. I may not be. I'm not very strong yet. But I'd like to be. I'm listening to a rooster crowing. 0 bleats so far:: Yesterdays : Tomorrows ::
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