I'm grateful for: things being better, really; things to do and places to go to take my mind off of sh*t; a good night's sleep.

It's been almost five years since my uncle died. I'm supposed to be over it by now, right? Or almost. I don't feel it. I don't know, I certainly miss him differently - there is less of a sharpness to the pain. Is that all it is, that it just gets more and more dull, but doesn't pass away? I hope not...

It's hard for me to put the relationship in perspective. Even harder with no one to bounce my thoughts off of. MMF and FB are the only people I know who knew him at all when he was alive, and neither of them are available for bouncing my thoughts off of. I don't want what I had with my uncle anyway, I just want answers. I want to be able to talk with him and fill in gaps I think, and then he could go and be dead in peace. :-7 Yes, I know how silly that sounds.

Accepting that there are no answers, that there are not going to be any answers - well, I'm just not there yet. There are too many things that have an effect on my life today that I want to understand why? As if knowing why I would then be able to change or fix things that I don't like or want.

Which is a complete fallacy in people. In car engines, if you know why they aren't working the way you want them to, then you can effect the changes you need. And in baking and in making music perhaps. But in people - in feelings and behaviour, knowing why has nothing to do with making changes.

I may very well know all the reasons, chapter and verse, of why I completely freak out at someone calling me in the middle of the night, but knowing why will do absolutely nothing to change the fact. I know why I am sometimes hypersensitive and cannot bear to be touched, but that doesn't change it. And knowing why I wanted to smother or hit my children (we're talking long, long ago and thank goodness I didn't) wouldn't have helped me to stop the feelings. What helped was figuring out that, as long as I had physical contact with the child, holding hands or a hug or a hand on the back or anything, then I didn't have those other feelings. I don't know why, I don't even need to know why, I just needed to do it. I am always touching my children now, nothing icky, just, holding hands, or reaching out and touching an arm while we are talking. They are used to it and it means I never feel that craziness with them. And it's largely faded with time.

It didn't help me to know why it was I couldn't feel happy in even the best circumstances, either. Having been given everything I ever wanted (we're talking long ago, for this, too), all I could see was what wasn't working, what hurt, so instead of enjoying and loving my kids and my animals, my house on a hill, my fruit trees, I was miserable. I knew perfectly well why, but why didn't fix it. I needed to work on remembering all the good things I was given, I had to learn to magnify the good (instead of minimizing it) and minimizing what I couldn't fix that didn't seem good to me, while working on fixing what I could. That was hard gd-d*mn work, and it's not finished yet, and it's work that has absolutely nothing to do with WHY I couldn't be happy, although it means that today I can be.

So knowing the why is really not what I need to find peace, but as long as I don't know just what will get me peace I occasionally fret about the whys.

And I guess I'm a little angry that he didn't think enough of me to give me some of the answers, at least when he knew he was dying. It's not like I hadn't been asking why for decades. He could have written something down, sent me a letter, told someone to tell me. And so I wonder, was he glad to forget about me, was I more a bother than someone he wanted. Which makes no sense, but the question comes up in my head.

I wonder if he wanted to/meant to but just never got around to it. Which really doesn't sound like him, but then, he was dying. I wonder if he did leave something for me and it somehow never got to me - stranger things have happened.

I want to be able to let go of this. I want to let go of the constant questioning, the fretting, the sadness, the grief already. The fact that it's less isn't good enough for me, I want to be done. I don't want to hurt any more over someone who, on the evidence, didn't hurt over me. As far as I know. MMF says differently, but unfortunately MMF is not a reliable witness, as she says things and then contradicts herself constantly. I won't say she lies, she's got multiple personalities and is mixed up as heck to boot. But, I cannot trust what she says with no evidence to back it up, none at all. *sigh*

Okay, I'm tired of this and of myself.

I'm listening to the water gurgling in the pipes, I think.

:: Yesterdays : Tomorrows ::

~~~Last Five Entries~~~
Hi and goodbye - 2010-10-15
I'll be moving on - 2010-10-10
Gold membership and stuff - 2010-10-10
Decisions, decisions - 2010-10-07
Days to go - 2010-10-06