I'm grateful for: TH going to work tomorrow, at least in the morning; getting to bed before 4am; the fact that I'm reading again.

A photo of Chamudah in the backyard at dusk.

Peppito in the backyard, only a tiny bit blurry

D3, also in the backyard - she says this is one of the only photos of herself she doesn't actually hate.

Balta in the back yard. I don't know what she was doing when I took this one, but she wasn't moving or she'd be blurry...

And, inside and all worn out, here is Peppito napping.

My rose bush. Roses grow wild here, so I am really thrilled at the prospects of growing really hugs roses with minimal work. Only - this is a shmita year. In the shmita year we are forbidden to work the land, and that includes fussing over roses. So this is what a rose bush looks like during the summer heat in a shmitta year. Next year I hope it will explode.

In Karmiel, where we lived wen we first moved here, they have crews who go around the city weed-whacking the roses back at least twice a year. And all they do is water them - no fertilizing or fussing. Of course, I am in the Negev here, but I am still hopeful. Anyway, this is the rosebush

And last for tonight, but not least, a nice shot of a cactus.

So, when did I last write? And about what? It couldn't have been that long ago. I went to the hospital today to be told to come back. I have two new appointments, or rather, I have one for 15 July and one for sometime later in July, but not set up yet. I don't know if that second appointment will actually be the extraction, or oral surgery, or whatever, or if I'll have to come back yet again. *sigh*

It was a trying day. I didn't get enough sleep, TH didn't go to work, and of course the time spent at the hospital - since they didn't do anything I was there for two hours. If they'd actually looked at me it probably would have been twice that. I hate this stuff.

A couple of boys came over to play with S3. These boys are out of school for the summer now, heaven help us, as they are a bit of a nightmare. They strew trash everywhere, leaving dishes all over the house. They would eat us out of house and home like locusts I suspect if they could. Ordinarily I feel we are well equipped to handle any number of children with hollow legs, but we are fretting about money now, and cutting down on buying huge amounts of pretzels and chips. Also fresh fruit has been a little thin - both because of the money and also because it is summer. Anything we buy is either eaten in two days or inedible. Nothing keeps.

Warning: whining ahead.

Then there was a telephone conference call w/FB and RS. FB talked for almost an hour, and I got all caught up in stuff in my head. Feeling sorry for myself, being angry at him, at myself, feeling lonely and hurt and, well, lonely. I wanted to talk about it but I just couldn't. FB hasn't given me any indication that he gives two hoots either about me or about the fact we are basically completely estranged. And RS took off in the middle of the call to meet with her advisor (math research), which left us with nothing to say to each other, and i just got off the phone as quickly as possible. Then I cried a little bit. Mostly about being lonely.

I don't really know if lonely is the right word, but it's not the only other word which comes to mind, which is unappreciated. I did SO MUCH work, for YEARS for both RS and FB - without me they wouldn't be where they are, they might not have lives at all. I Made a difference. It's a fact, not my ego talking. Now, it's as if all of that is not just forgotten or (that word) unappreciated, but almost that it's irrelevant. I busted my ass, not just for them, but for all of us. I was determined to have a better life come hell or high water, and I made one. Along the way I gave them a heck of a lot, from an understanding ear and insights gleaned from my experience, to a swift kick in the rear when necessary and an awful lot of love.

What I did for them, they in some measure have done for others. I'm not meaning to imply what they did is less, it's just that I can't know what they have done - I wasn't there. Now each of them has their own separate lives -- which is a good thing, don't get me wrong -- and I'm feeling forgotten and abandoned. Or something like that.

I know the feeling isn't necessarily a reflection of reality. I know that tomorrow probably I'll look back on how I'm feeling now and feel a bit, I don't know, shame-faced maybe? Still, I once was very important to a whole bunch of people, none of whom would notice if I dropped dead tomorrow, and who are completely ignorant of or without regard for so much f***ing work I did. Work that changed their lives.

When I question myself, I know that none of those people were ever so very important to me as my children. My family here is what I did everything for, everything I could. And my family (meaning my kids and, on alternate Thursdays, TH) do know and appreciate. More maybe than I'd like them to. I wanted my parenting to look effortless, you know? At least I didn't want my kids to be so greatly affected by everything that happened to me. How very naive of me.

So anyway, what is it I want? I didn't put anyone ahead of my kids, I don't really see why I should feel badly that other people aren't 'appreciative.' Or whatever. I know that that's not the word. Because it's not a sense of appreciation or it's lack, it's the fact that it's like what I did never happened - that's what it sounds like when I listen. And what it does is to make me not want to be there. I don't demand that they remember or recognize what I've done, but if they don't, then why should I be there to listen to it? Can't I just move OUT of the whole thing? Can't I?

THAT, I don't know.

I have no idea if I'm making any sense with this. I'm leaving out a whole lot of specific nouns and verbs because I feel like I need to - but that makes it all even more vague. What I did ... what I did, really, was to confront the truth of my past. Which necessarily meant the truth of RS's and FB's past, you know? The work I did, getting honest, changing everything about how I live my life, well, it's both more and less than that. And, hey, I don't need to rehash all of that old, dead history.

I suppose Hashem was really helping me in keeping me away from FB for the latest while. I need to remember, in fact to cling to, the fact that they are NOT my friends, they are family. And, I suppose it has to be okay that they not be my friends. But it's awfully lonely.

End whining. And I must try to get some sleep. 1:30am already. How does that happen?

I'm listening to Eddy Grant: Electric Avenue

:: Yesterdays : Tomorrows ::

~~~Last Five Entries~~~
Hi and goodbye - 2010-10-15
I'll be moving on - 2010-10-10
Gold membership and stuff - 2010-10-10
Decisions, decisions - 2010-10-07
Days to go - 2010-10-06