I'm grateful for: Bread & butter pickles; too many books; making bits of progress.

I've been trying to read diaries with no luck. I'm too tired, and there's too much else going on. I don't know what will happen here. I've certainly been through times before when I couldn't get to diaryland, and they passed. So I'm hoping the same will be true now. I am overwhelmed, but hanging on.

Today for some reason I slept until about 1:30pm. I really hate to do that, but there is no question but that I needed the sleep. I woke up feeling almost human. Wow.

TH was gone, driving D2 back up to her apartment in Petakh Tikvah, and getting my exercise bike fixed. Yeaa! He took all the broken parts up to the guy who was supposed to actually fix the thing. Apparently when it left him it was in good condition - TH says that he was almost more angry than we were. So he fixed it while TH waited, properly, and now I have a working exercycle again.

While TH was gone, and after I'd finally gotten up, I studied Hebrew with S2, did schoolwork with S3 - who is coming along just fine - got a microscopic bit of paperwork and stuff done - read a few emails, actually replied to at least one, figured out some scheduling. Nothing exciting, but it keeps the family rolling...

D3 and I got into the kitchen after S1 did a small bit of cleaning (all it needed!) and made bread & butter pickles. One of the things I really enjoy is cooking with D3 - I missed out on it entirely with D2, which I consider a huge loss. She is learning not only to cook, but also how to tweak recipes to make them more the way SHE likes them, a not unimportant bit of cookery. The bread&butter pickles we made are very quick, will be ready tomorrow, and contain no white sugar. That's important to us.

I think we added too many cucumbers for the amount of vinegar, but we'll find out tomorrow. I don't even eat pickles. What a funny world it is.

Once TH got home, I got on my exercycle, and managed maybe 12 minutes. I forget. No where near as good as I was doing before it broke, but not all the way back to the beginning either. That's incredibly important. Right now the major thing for my exercising is my morale. I can do it physically, but if I feel discouraged or am not motivated it's not going to work out. So, not losing all the progress I'd made before is a bit of encouragement and I need it. It is the very hottest time of year here, so while on the one hand I want to really push to try and get back to working out and improving my time and all that, I also have to remember that I am NOT going to be able to push it too far. The temperature was down to an almost temperate 30C by about 7pm tonight. Lower than it's been for at least a week.

Then I got a bath. My first real bath in so long I am embarrassed to say. It was really good to soak, and to feel the yuck coming off of me. Hair washed and brushed out, and I feel almost good. Or as good as I can. This crippled shit really does get to a body.

I was talking to a friend of mine, someone who has been disabled since she was a teenager, and talking about how it is different for the able-bodied. She said she wasn't sure and I said "I Remember." I do. Almost all of my disabled friends have been disabled from birth, or since they were very young (FB became disabled when he was about 8 and started suffering some sort of seizures). They know intellectually that things are different, in large part because they see in television and movies and in the people around them that they can do more things, and do things much more easily then they (the disabled friends) can. But - I Remember. I remember being strong, and waking up well rested, and walking - and walking - and walking - and not even getting tired. I used to LOVE to walk. I remember feeling my energy flag a little in the mid-afternoon and having a quick snack to keep me going - none of this laying down for a three hour nap stuff. I remember carrying my 2yo daughter when I was 8 mos. pregnant w/S1 for 3/4 mile through downtown Springfield, after RS (who was also still able-bodied, but not an experienced mom), had pooped out after about a block (1/8 mile) and had to hand her over to me. I remember riding horses and when exercising meant yoga and ballet stretches and running - riding a bike wasn't exercise, it was something I did for fun, or to get around.

I remember when bending down to change the bag in the kitchen trash can wasn't completely impossible. Most important, I remember when I did things without thinking about them. Other than on the computer there is almost nothing that I do without thinking about it. Brushing my teeth, or standing up, changing a shirt, even turning over in bed. It all requires thought. And sometimes all the thinking just leads to 'I can't.'

So, anyway, exercize, bath, oh, yes, putting the pickles in mason jars, eating supper, I had a short talk w/RS that was very helpful, and a longer talk w/FB that was still quite annoying, but hopefully cleared the air a bit. I think he was still lying to me quite a bit, but I don't really know, and I can't care that much. Whatever his problems are, he can have them. I am just too full of my own stuff to be bothered. I miss him, but not enough to go back into his twisted stuff.

TH and I tried to figure out various medical appointments. I have an MRI scheduled for Aug. 20, and my surgery for the tooth is Aug. 10. D3 has some sort of riding show she is doing, we think it is Aug. 8. Aug. 9 is FB's birthday, I doubt we'll be doing anything about it, at least not soon. Then S2's birthday is August 29th. I need to start preparing for that, because i know what he wants, I just have to order it. I'm having the heebie-jeebies about money again. Oh, and TH got a speeding ticket. Just lovely.

Well, we ended up the day with popcorn and Dr. Who. That was a lot of fun. It was a good day. The only real down was that i didn't get out to feed the chickens. There's only so many hours in a day, and mine were entirely filled up.

I'm really tired, so that's all about me for now. I really hope I will be able to read and find out what is going on with my friends, but even if I don't manage to read, or to leave a comment or message, I am thinking of you all.

I'm listening to The Kingston Trio: My Ramblin' Boy

:: Yesterdays : Tomorrows ::

~~~Last Five Entries~~~
Hi and goodbye - 2010-10-15
I'll be moving on - 2010-10-10
Gold membership and stuff - 2010-10-10
Decisions, decisions - 2010-10-07
Days to go - 2010-10-06