I'm grateful for: being able to make a difference, even only a small one; having a bath and my hair washed; A full life, spent largely with people I like who like me right back.

Tried to read some, but my eyes are crossing with tired. I don't know what I did today. Oh, yeah, I organized things in the cottage. Small house. Whatever. Somewhat organized. Well, it is better.

I think that's all. The body is on an accelerating down-swing. A neighbour I don't really like came over and cried all down my dress this evening, just about sundown, as we were all set to go hole up in the family room and do our Friday night thing. I couldn't even invite her to join us because 1) there isn't even enough room for all of us in the family room, and 2) she wouldn't think our Friday night thing (a movie, popcorn, pizza, chocolate) shabbos-dik enough.

I don't know what to do about the neighbour. Obviously I don't go around telling her (or anyone else) that I don't really like her. I'm just aware myself that I don't. She is broken, and that is hard, too, because I am drawn to wanting to help broken people - having been one myself. Maybe I still am, I can't even tell anymore.

I am helpful to her, which is some consolation. Really helpful as opposed to just saying soothing things or pretending to support her. She can undoubtedly benefit from my experience, and seems to be willing to, too.

I wish she hadn't come over to my house drunk tonight.

Well, I am tired. My body aches. My eyes are burning. I have some grody flashbacks and uncomfortable memories waiting for me when I lie down and shut my eyes - which isn't encouraging me to get any sleep. I'm feeling lonely and insecure which is due largely if not entirely to talking to three people whom - I don't like; and, they don't like me; and, we all had to pretend that those two things weren't true to get through the conversations. All mothers of boys I have invited to sleep over for S3's birthday next month.

I don't like not liking people. I don't like talking to people I don't like. I *really* don't like talking to people who don't like me. I'm not sure what one of the mom's problem is with me. The second one I spoke with varies between openly contemptuous and mildly needy - a hard combination to deal with. The third is so self-centred she is barely aware of her son's existence as a person, leave alone mine or anyone else's. So it is perhaps unfair to say she doesn't like me. Well, she doesn't, but only because her mind is so taken up with herself there isn't enough left over for liking, or for other people. Which is sad really. I don't like her because she is mean to her son.

D2 came home for the weekend, but as she was let go from her job may not go back up north at the end of the weekend, depending on how she feels tomorrow I expect. Her job required her to work on Fridays, every single Friday, without fail. The school she is starting at in November scheduled classes on Fridays. So it's not exactly like she was fired - and the boss thinks the world of her. But, he needs someone who can work Fridays. D2 is anxious to begin job hunting, only because she wants to get it over with. It should be easier this time, too, as she is now 'experienced.' Her boss (ex-boss) said he would give her a glowing reference any time. So that's good.

I don't like all the stuff about not liking people. I guess it's good to write it out, it's better than pretending that it's not there.

I've lost the capacity to follow my own train of thought, if I ever had it. So, good night.

I'm listening to my fan, and my thoughts.

:: Yesterdays : Tomorrows ::

~~~Last Five Entries~~~
Hi and goodbye - 2010-10-15
I'll be moving on - 2010-10-10
Gold membership and stuff - 2010-10-10
Decisions, decisions - 2010-10-07
Days to go - 2010-10-06