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Honey is Sweet

Fragile - 2008-09-25

I'm grateful for: a good book; knowing Hashem is in charge; letting me be me

I've nothing left. Not even for D1, who emailed asking me to phone. I didn't. I haven't anything for the kids here. I haven't anything for the friends I 'should' phone or the housework or even the dvd player which seems to finally have completely died.

I spoke with RS on the phone today, and she yelled at me and fought with me ... it was really amazing, as we didn't even disagree. She had some head of steam up and needed to yell I guess, but I didn't appreciate being the target. I told her so before we got off the phone, which took more strength than I think it should have.

While I was on the phone with RS, FB phoned. That's what got me (thank goodness!) off the phone with RS, but FB had phoned to complain about something mean I had said to him a month ago. I hadn't intended to be mean, and he knew it, but it had rankled. I was actually glad in a way, I could say a heart-felt 'I'm sorry' and it was cleared up - unlike RS's rantings. And it is progress for FB to even recognize that he is bothered in a month or less. So I can't say that was draining, but still...

I've just had this overcoat of not-good-enough on since sometime yesterday at least. Yesterday TH and I had a fight, which ended well in that he, after spending a good half an hour on what a heinous unholy b**** I was (not that he ever said the words, mind you, he's too morally superior for that), it suddenly dawned on him that the whole fight existed because he had lied to me, and when I took his lie at face value and expected something to be finished, I took quite understandable exception.

It was actually kind of funny in an MGM movie kind of way, as the light dawned (I'm not kidding) over his face and he said in a voice of utter incredulity and surprize "This is MY fault!" He was amazed. Truly.

What can I say about that? Nothing more, I guess.

So, this cloak of not-good-enough is riding on my shoulders and making it awfully hard to face the world. So, I'm not. For quite possibly the first time in my life I am giving myself permission to hide out in my room, stay up all night reading stupid fiction if I need to, not take care of anything or anyone and let everything be in Hashem's hands. Or the hands of my teenagers, which on the one hand doesn't seem quite fair to them, on the other hand they are better off than most of my friends kids in that they know how to take care of themselves, each other and a household already.

The not-good-enough isn't only from all the people who've over the years been at pains to make sure I know how inadequate and useless and bad I am. It is also the sum of life experiences in not being able to work or hold a job, not being able to keep to a schedule, or keep a house clean, not being able to learn Hebrew, to play board games with my kids, to exercise regularly, to make my own breakfast, to talk to the town clerk on the phone, to mail a package, to ...

The list goes on.

I am what I am and I can only do what I can do. And if that's not good enough - - - then, I'm f**ked. What can one do?

I feel awfully fragile right now.

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:: Yesterdays : Tomorrows ::

~~~Last Five Entries~~~
Hi and goodbye - 2010-10-15
I'll be moving on - 2010-10-10
Gold membership and stuff - 2010-10-10
Decisions, decisions - 2010-10-07
Days to go - 2010-10-06