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Honey is Sweet Party tonight - 2008-10-21 I'm grateful for: a bit of acceptance, however painful; friends; feeling tired at bedtime. It's the night after Simchat Torah and the entire country is dancing. Except me. Okay, I exaggerate slightly -- there are probably a whole host of other cripples not dancing tonight. *wry grin* I'm just kidding. Still, it's a HUGE deal and a lot of fun, and I am sitting in my room listening to the music through the window. Part of me is very glad I am here listening to it through my window - it must be beyond deafening at the mo'adoan. TH is there, and several of the offspring went for a while. I feel badly that I can't go, but at least TH was slightly less of a s**t about it. No, that's not true. It's more that I have a better attitude about him right now. I don't know why. It's like a switch was flipped, and now I feel more acceptance - I am not happy, but the truth is, at least in recent years, he has only been abusive when I am trying to make him behave differently. So what does that leave me? To accept him as he is. Which means, he gets the kiddush ready and announces that he's going to start, and sends S2 to tell me that fact. I am not dressed, cannot dress without help. So, I cannot join them for kiddush. Does this bother him? No. If he thought about it at all he probably thought I didn't want to/couldn't make it out. It would NEVER occur to him that he could offer to help me get ready and that would make it possible. If I were to suggest it to him, he would act all willing but a bit disgruntled, like, why hadn't I mentioned it earlier and not ruined his plans for the kiddush. He's perfectly willing and agreeable as long as I either go along with what he wants or stay out of his way. If I can't do something, because I need help or am too crippled to manage at all, then he goes along, entirely oblivious. He doesn't miss me at all, or if he does, only in a sort of off-hand way. So most of our fights have really revolved around my insisting that he take me and my disability into account. He doesn't, he won't, nothing I can do will make him. Does that mean he doesn't love me? I don't know. Does that mean he doesn't care about me? I don't know that, either. Does that, in and of itself, constitute abuse? I'm not sure. Clearly when I am stuck in bed and he doesn't bother to remember I need to eat until 4pm - that is a kind of abuse. He's perfectly willing, really, to do anything I want as long as he didn't already have other plans and I don't want him to be attentive, affectionate, or remember my existence at times when he doesn't choose to remember me. Or whatever it is, *I* don't now. TH and I went for marriage counseling once six or seven years ago. The shrink saw us together, twice, then said he wanted to see TH by himself. I think that tells it's own tale, but whether about TH or the shrink I'm not guessing. At the time I felt vindicated. Anyway, of COURSE TH didn't keep up with seeing the shrink, and that was the end of that. It seems (in answer to your question Boxx9000) that he is perfectly happy with the situation as it is. I am leaving him alone, and he doesn't seem to be missing me. Or marital relations. Or anything. Just in the past few days he has really unwound, and while he is far from what I want in a husband, at least there has been nothing in the way of overt psychological/emotional abuse the last day or two. So, it works for him... I have children waiting for me so I'd better stop now. Hopefully I can write more later - there is a lot going on, much of it good and/or fun. *sigh* I'm listening to the mizrachi music from half-way across the moshav. 0 bleats so far:: Yesterdays : Tomorrows ::
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