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Honey is Sweet Perky - 2008-10-27 I'm grateful for: a good day; a good day; getting to sleep earlier tonight than last night. I had a really great day today. I was actually perky. Not a common occurrence. That word just doesn't look right, but it's the only way the spell-checker accepts it. I actually got on my exer-bike and exercised. I feel pretty awful, but I suppose that is to be expected. I felt awful before I got on the bike, after doing some laundry (washing, drying AND folding), and getting dressed and all those unaccustomed activities. I was trying to figure out why I was so perky, and finally concluded that this staying away from TH is working. I also remembered way-back-when, when we were first married, and also later when D2 was a newborn, how TH totally quashed any enthusiasm, leave alone pride or feeling of accomplishment, in cooking for my family. I was a Good cook. Not great, never that interested in food, but a good cook. I was willing to experiment and my experiments usually worked out pretty good, too. I came from a family of frozen dinners, and taught myself to bake bread from scratch, pies, cakes, various types of main courses, to make sauces, well, you all know I expect. Not entirely self-taught, obviously, I got suggestions and help and pointers, but it was mostly on my own. But I remember, literally from the first days of our marriage, that I would put together a supper and would feel afterward that it wasn't worth the effort, that there was no point. I thought, at the time, that the flaw was in me (isn't that the way it works?), and the problem was that I wasn't good enough - in the kitchen. Or in general. Why it's taken me over 25 years, a quarter century, to be able to look back with 20/20 hindsight I suppose I won't ever know. At least I am seeing it clearly. When I am not around him, I don't dislike myself. Isn't that reason enough to avoid him? I hadn't wanted to write about him - I had such a good day. He went to work today, so I had a whole day free of him, and the emotional cloud he carries about with him and shares with all of us. I'm sure that played a huge part in my being able to get so much done. I *didn't* manage to get the blanket panels put together. I tried various methods of crocheting them together, and concluded that I probably can't use crochet. My fingers won't work right for that. I can still knit, but I never enjoyed crocheting, and didn't do it nearly as much. Now, I can't seem to manage to get it right. So I guess it will be sewing it together with matching thread, if I can find any. I am not looking forward to that, but then maybe I can get someone to sew it together on a sewing machine for me? I can't work at a sewing machine any more, either, but I know it's not a big deal to do. D3 made supper for all of us, which turned out to be quite yummy. Lunch was leftovers, thank goodness for leftovers. Excuse me, I have to go let a dog in the back door I think. *** I'm back. Being able to get up and let the dog in by myself is also something I wouldn't have been able to do not so very long ago. Especially after such a full day after such a difficult holiday time. It's all very fun and exciting. I have one friend who is seriously disabled, not for the same reasons, but at roughly the same level that I am. Funnily, her relationship with her husband is almost exactly the same as mine with mine - about ten years later. In some ways I think both of us would be better off if our husbands would just be thorough-going s**ts, rather than occasionally turning the tables and becoming like, well, the husbands one would want to have. Briefly. We had company, a full house, for shabbos. The whole time they were here TH was on his very best behaviour (as he always is), and I did kind of take advantage of it. He always puts on this great loving, caring, considerate husband and father act for company. The beautiful thing, for me, is that the whole time I was able to remember that is was just an act for the company. I didn't get sucked in myself. That's pretty cool. Well, back to today, after such a full and mostly fun day, TH coming home was something of a downer. I retreated to my room, and that was fine. S1 read aloud to me from Toilers of the Sea (Victor Hugo), and S2 read aloud from the Neal Stephenson we are still wending our way through. It is LO-ONG. I am really enjoying it, but really this multi-book, multi-volume stories are just not for people who have real lives, not really. By myself it would probably take me more than a year to get through it. S1 wanted us to go hang out in the family room and watch a movie, with popcorn and soda, a bit of a treat for him and us. We watched Playing Gd, and I tried to crochet the blanket panels together. That didn't work but we all enjoyed the movie and the popcorn and being together (TH stayed in his room), and D1 called just after the movie had ended, so I came back to my room and listened to her fuss and fret and carry on, and then her phone went dead. I feel bad, I wish I had told her that i love her in the last few moments, when she told me the phone was dying. I feel bad about that. Tomorrow TH is home, and I have to try to get into Netivot to get a letter - what would it be called in the states? Pre-approval, maybe. I have an appointment to see a neuro at the hospital in Ashkelon, but I need the health plan to approve it so it is paid for. I need to get some cash from the bank. I can't think of anything else I need to do, but those two things are rather urgent. Well, I'll see what happens tomorrow, it's all I can do. I hope I can get my hair washed as well. It is really nasty tonight. That is SO not up to me. I pray that Hashem makes it work out, is all. I've got to go see what door the dog is scratching at now. It'a almost half-an-hour after midnight. Maybe I can sleep? I can hope. I'm listening to Smashing Pumpkins: Drown 0 bleats so far:: Yesterdays : Tomorrows ::
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