I'm grateful for: My new huggy bear; a book I find worth reading; my new handicapped parking tag, if only I knew how to use it.

So, reading annanotbob's diary makes me feel a bit better about not leaving notes and comments. Not that I'm comparing myself or anything, it's just that I can't - I can not - manage to write to people right now, and I guess I have to be okay with that. I know I'd be a better friend and make more friends if I communicated more often, but that's just how it goes I guess.

Physically I am clearly, noticeably better. My current fear is that I will stop taking all the pills and end up right back where I started. I HATE taking pills. I'm about to run out of the antibiotic, and I only have enough antihistamine to last a couple more days, so I will stop taking them, no choice. I just hope I don't go back to not being able to breathe, or sleep.

Today I didn't do any running around. AND I got out to feed my birds, for the second time in over a month. I payed on the computer, got some paperwork done, read a bit - I'm reading The Naked Anthropologist right now, a gift from a friend who was getting rid of her college textbooks. Quite possibly my favourite anthro- book ever, not that the competition is particularly stiff. It's more personal writing, people writing about how their fieldwork changed them, or what they learned, I find it more insightful, and warm, and uplifting than many things I've run into.

D2 read it, and really had not much good to say about it. She just didn't like any of the people particularly. I've nothing to say to that.

I got out the cookbook from which I take most of my soup recipes (I never make a soup according to the recipe, but it reminds me what I'm about, gives me a starting point) - and pointed out a chicken soup recipe for D3 to get started with, I was trapped on the phone first with a neighbour and then with D2. I bought a chicken for soup Wednesday night.

So D3 chopped vegetables until I was able to get to the chicken, I showed her rinsing the chicken parts and rubbing them with spices - then we chopped up a few more things that appealed to us, spiced it up, and put it in the crockpot. Then we had to find someplace to plug the crockpot in where it would be safe and could go for hours or a couple of days, really. Ended up parking it on the corner of the dining table. Where it would be handy if we were able to have it with the meal, but our Shabbos meal is always dairy. So it's there, anyway, for people to take if they want some.

It smells good. Right now I'm worrying about it cooking too long. No way to turn the heat off or store the soup on shabbos, I should've gotten it started sooner. So it's just going to cook down all night and tomorrow. I haven't made a chicken soup in over a decade, but I believe it can't have changed that much, in which case cooking down shouldn't be too much of a problem. I think I'll throw some rice in tomorrow morning, but we'll see what happens. As it is, I may not even be awake tomorrow morning, as it is almost 2am already.

We had some company, but I slept through it. The blasted cat (my beloved great, great, great, - you probably remember the drill - grandmother cat) peed in my camera bag. Of course somehow the cover had been left not just open, but folded back. Mercifully nothing was damaged except for a couple of travel cases for camera cards, but it was not one of my happiest moments.

TH and I had a long and sometimes ugly 'talk' this evening, which ended with him sort of crying (I don't think you can call it crying if he didn't need to blow his nose afterward), and then talking about how horrible his life was in elementary school. And high school, a bit. Whatever. The important thing from my point of view is that he seems to get it, at least a little bit, that I won't continue to live with someone who is wholly enclosed within his own head. I don't care so much what he talks about, but I really can't take being cut off entirely.

I'm just worn out, wrung out, tired, and generally down emotionally as well as physically. Some of that of course is the long, long course of illness. Some of it is the short days, I always have trouble with the short days. Some of it is life with an emotionally stunted partner. And some of it is, who knows? Maybe I'm just a miserable person. At the moment I'm willing to consider the possibility.

I feel as if all I ever do is complain, I haven't a good word for anybody or about anything, I am completely useless, sitting around playing computer games and not taking care of anything real. I'm pretty down on myself, but I don't actually believe all of that. I know that my feelings are not necessarily a reflection of reality. But still, those are the kinds of thoughts that go with how I'm feeling, which is no fun at all.

I would love to take a day and just have fun, do something nice for myself, get out of the house ... I can't remember the last time I was able to do something like that, even for an hour or two, forget a whole day. I can't afford it. I can't afford the time, and I haven't any money to do anything, like getting my hair done or buying something nice or a new book or anything frivolous. I've been broke most of my life, so it's not like this is a whole new thing, but I am kind of tired of it. Again.

Okay, no more complaining, whining, or generally depressing talk. At least for now. Must get some sleep maybe, maybe I can come up with some way to have some fun tomorrow? *sigh* Hashem willing. Be well, all, and Gd bless

I'm listening to mostly silence and some house-noises.

:: Yesterdays : Tomorrows ::

~~~Last Five Entries~~~
Hi and goodbye - 2010-10-15
I'll be moving on - 2010-10-10
Gold membership and stuff - 2010-10-10
Decisions, decisions - 2010-10-07
Days to go - 2010-10-06