I'm grateful for: exercising; making supper; clearing my head a bit.

Just about midnight, less than half a minute to go. I may actually get to sleep at an almost reasonable time. Maybe.

It was a very, very hard day today. I didn't really have any clue why, though, 'til I was on the phone with RS this evening, and I had called her because I was such a mess. I started talking and what came out of my mouth had to do with when my first grandchild was born.

This was almost four years ago now, and we had just moved to Israel. In fact, we'd been here all of a couple of months - maybe four. My daughter, D1, had told me about a month, or at most two, after we made aliyah, that she was expecting some time in the spring. Trust me, I never would have moved to Israel then had I known she was pregnant. We were prepared to put off moving here for her wedding, but then the date got moved, and moved again, and cancelled, and then it was on again, and, ... so we finally said we can't put our entire lives on hold (seven of us!) waiting for D1 to get married. So off we went, and here we came, and lo and behold D1 is pregnant and expecting *before* we've been in this country for nine months.

Nine months is the magic number at which you can apply for a passport. But it would have been possible, Israelis understand the importance of family and exceptions would have been made and so on, but we hadn't two shekel to rub together, so I asked my mother if she would give or lend me the money to go back to the U.S. for my granddaughter's birth.

Now my mother wouldn't win any rewards as a mother or a grandmother or a human being or anything, so I wasn't terribly surprized when she turned me down, but then she went on to tell me how stupid I was (for even wanting to be there for my daughter's first baby), and I hung up on her.

This was a major event in my relationship with my mother - for both of us. My mother hasn't forgiven me for hanging up on her 'because she turned me down.' For me it's not a case of forgiveness. We spoke again as soon as I could talk to her calmly, and I apologized for hanging up on her, and explained to her that I just couldn't bear to listen to her call me stupid again. Her response was "I'm sure i never use the word..."

Um, yeah. So. I missed the birth of my first grandbaby, AND I'm stupid for wanting to go, and she confirms in the broadest possible way by denying that she used the word - making it as clear as day that in fact that is what she thinks of me, and would say if she wasn't avoiding the word.

Like the word is the problem.

RS says that my mother is still furious that I asked her for money to see my daughter when the baby was due. Apparently she brings it up every now and again.

Cool.

So, I'm doing much better mentally now - I needed to rant. I needed to mourn a little bit what I missed, I would have so loved to be there. And I've had so little contact with any of my grandchildren at all. I needed to hear RS tell me how utterly and completely insane mother is. She really is. Apparently my crime in her eyes (mother's eyes) is that I asked for money and I wasn't even going to visit HER! How dare I? It's actually funny in a pathetic, mean sort of a way. At least, I can laugh at it. What a horrible person she is.

Having gotten that out of the way (by talking to RS) I was able to relax a bit, TH and I watched an episode of the Addams Family, with popcorn and a couple of the kids.

Also, earlier in the day, as awful as it was, I did manage to get dressed. I got on the exercise bike for the first time in I don't know how long, and actually managed twenty minutes in two separate goes. Not great, but considering how long it's been, I think it's pretty good. I also did some work with the tube-thing. I have no idea anymore what it's called, but it's another exercise thing. I have no idea where the weights are, TH hid them somewhere, and I wasn't up to looking for them. But exercise is such a happy thing. I hope I can do it again, more regularly, now.

Also, I got up and made supper. I can't remember how long it's been since I cooked anything - I mean, I did it. I made macaroni and cheese (from scratch), and mixed up some tuna and mayonnaise and relish, and made what we call a mac-and-cheese-tuna-fish casserole. Which is our usual sunday supper. I haven't made anything like that in possibly more than a decade. It came out good, too. The biggest problem was (I cook MUCH better than TH does), that I didn't make enough, as surprized children came back for more.

Tonight we also lit the first candle for Hanukah. Played a little bit of dreidl. We couldn't find the chocolate gelt we had bought, will have to get some more tomorrow, but played with M&M's instead. I'm hoping tomorrow to make doughnuts, and one of these days, latkes. I don't make the doughnuts myself, I have nothing to do with deep frying. That much hot oil and my clumsiness just doesn't mix.

Oy, and I am just too tired, so will stop now in the hope of getting some sleep. Good night.

I'm listening to Mario Lanza: It's Now Or Never

:: Yesterdays : Tomorrows ::

~~~Last Five Entries~~~
Hi and goodbye - 2010-10-15
I'll be moving on - 2010-10-10
Gold membership and stuff - 2010-10-10
Decisions, decisions - 2010-10-07
Days to go - 2010-10-06