Up too late again. I need to just accept that this is how it is, since every thing I have tried to do to change this schedule has had absolutely no effect whatsoever.

There've been big booms going all night. Also some during the day, particularly after our disturbing evening 'tzeva adom.' I'm not sure why they do it, but they always manage to set it off around the time S3 is going to bed. Since he hasn't been going to bed at a regular time (he HAS a regular bed-time, we just haven't been managing to keep to it), that means that it's just incredible good luck on their part or bad luck on ours. S3 isn't sleeping as peacefully as one would like one's 9yo to be able to sleep. He called out "I'm scared!" about an hour ago and I went and sat with him until he was asleep again. Nothing that couldn't happen even if we weren't having rockets coming at us, but still.

I never know what 'tone' to take when writing about things here. Which means I end up sometimes just writing as if everything were normal (oh, and the booms), and sometimes devoting entire entries to it, or ranting about the situation or whatever. I know there isn't a 'right' tone, and it's not like anyone other than me is worrying about it. It's that I want to be comfortable with what I write in my diary, and with this I am not comfortable.

Gee, what a surprize, huh?

Today we had one rocked fall really close. It came down after dark, and it being shabbos, there was no way to go find it even had we wanted to. I did take a short walk down the street afterward just to get out and stretch my legs a bit. I haven't been doing anywhere near enough of that.

I have been getting on my exercise bike at odd intervals. It feels good that I can do it even irregularly. I wonder if I will be able to get back to doing it regularly again? It was nice to be doing something that was good for me and made me feel good about myself for five months straight. Of course I had no control over the dratted thing breaking, or the several months it took to get it repaired. It still has problems, which is SO frustrating. I can't afford to go out looking to guy another piece of equipment, I have to make do with this one, at least for the while.

TH's boss offered to put us (the whole family) up at a hotel for a day or two up north if we felt the need to get away from the war for a while. I'm seriously thinking about taking him up on the offer, if it is still open, if the war is still going on the end of next week. I could use the break and I'm sure the kids could. I need to find someone to take care of the animals while we are gone - not so easy as the dogs won't accept just anyone, and might not accept anyone. The two older ones are VERY good guard dogs. And S1's puppy likely wouldn't be all right if S1 went away without him. I doubt there is a hotel in Israel that would let us bring a dog or two, though. Leave alone four.

I got into a severe mental tailspin today. My friend MS in Bareqet invited the Canadian family along with a mutual friend & family for supper and shabbos and never even mentioned it to me. I heard about it from my Canadian friend. I understand she (MS) doesn't have room. I expect she thought we were getting together with them anyway so she didn't need to invite us. But she didn't even mention it.

Also I phoned her three times last week - wanting to know how she was doing, 'cause I know she was going through a hard patch. First she avoided my calls entirely, and the last one she told her (6yo) daughter to tell me she would call me back. And she never did.

So. This is not high school nor am I a teenager. On the other hand, I never did get the hang of how these relationships are supposed to work (not having had any friends or even interacting with people other than my perps until I was about twenty). So I was driving myself nuts trying to figure out if this is significant of anything? Is MS mad at me or just doesn't like me/can't be bothered with me? She definitely acts like she doesn't have time for me when we do have contact.

I'd like to know. I'd like to know particularly because my entire adult life is littered with relationships in which I mis-understood or mis-read things and found out the hard way that someone was trying to 'let me down easy,' rather than come right out and say (at high volume) that they wanted nothing to do with me. Or friendships that ended because I said something that upset someone but they would never even tell me, just chose to never speak to me again. I seem to have spent an awful lot of my time thinking that someone was a friend, or that I had friends, only to find out I was under a total mis-apprehension. Or people would tell me they were my friends and they like me and "Oh, Mel, you are so wonderful! I just want to be like you/near you/with you" until suddenly I am evil incarnate and they don't hesitate to tell everyone we know in common how awful I am.

I've got some long-term friends. I've got some people I thought were friends that I guess really are just friendly acquaintances. And then there are these people I just don't know what to think...

Anyway, so I was driving myself nuts with this and earlier today somehow my head suddenly got screwed on right and I said to myself - this is just silly. People come into my life for - what was that email thing that went around? a reason, a season, or some thing else. Anyway, it's not about me, and if Hashem wants someone to be in my life they will, and if Hashem wants someone not to be in my life there's nothing I can do about it, and I've got more important things to do than worry about this now. I'm living in a war zone, the booms are going off all day and night, people I know and care about are being hurt, and people I've never met are being hurt and killed and I'm not getting enough sleep and I have four children who need my attention and active participation in their lives. Get over it!

So I did.

I'm really kind of amazed, not only how it worked, but THAT it worked. I couldn't do that in the past. Does it mean I'm growing up? Perish the thought... *snicker*

Tomorrow night I should be talking with RS, and maybe even with FB. I may get to talk to LL, who is a sort of a friend, more importantly someone I've known for almost two decades. Not many people like that in my life who are not immediate family. It's good to keep in touch.

Okay, I've run out of steam. If there was anything else I can't remember it anyway. Oh, S2 and I read a really sweet book in Hebrew together tonight. TH made the corn chowder to my directions and as usual he messed it up. How does he DO that? We watched Broken Arrow, the Jimmy Stewart movie about Cochise (sp?) - Apache leader. And I tried not to moan about being in pain too much, and worked a bit on breathing into my centre, for what that was worth.

And that's all she wrote (tonight at least)

I'm listening to the booms and a rooster crowing. Quite a contrast.

:: Yesterdays : Tomorrows ::

~~~Last Five Entries~~~
Hi and goodbye - 2010-10-15
I'll be moving on - 2010-10-10
Gold membership and stuff - 2010-10-10
Decisions, decisions - 2010-10-07
Days to go - 2010-10-06