I'm grateful for: a good ending to a hard day; a couple of good books; clean hair that goes all the way down my back (which it hasn't done since I was a teenager).

Today was just a really sucky day. Sick, sick kids, a couple of tzava adoms, one of them quite scary (very close). The car didn't work so instead of going to work early TH took it to Be'er Sheva and then came home late from work which made it all that much harder.

So that was my day. "And now for something we hope you'll Really like..."

Something I wrote for a group, which I want to keep for myself and posterity.

***

The thing about feelings is, I just don't want to feel the 'bad' ones. 'Bad' feelings are painful feelings. Like grief, sadness, that feeling (I don't know what you call it) when the world is just too unfair and I don't want to play anymore. I don't mean unfair 'cause I can't get the car I want - I mean unfair like I never had a single person in my life who gave a s**t about me, and I really truly felt that I had to earn my right to exist in this world - to justify my use of oxygen and food and space. Now that is bl**dy unfair! There is anger there, and hurt, and a lot of things I haven't words for related to a lot of shoulds because I 'shouldn't' feel that way, and besides, ....

You can fill in the blank any way that suits you. My problem with feelings (I'm starting again) is that I don't feel entitled to have the feelings that I have. It's not okay for me to be angry, frustrated, furious, despairing, frightened. Why not? Because I've been told my whole life it's wrong? Because (here we go again) they don't feel good, and that means there must be something wrong if I am feeling them? I go to an AA meeting, and I am grieving the loss of a big chunk of my childhood and some oldtimer gets in my face and says "did you drink today?" and I tell him no, so he almost yells at me "then today is a good day!"

Well, no. Today is better than it would have been if I'd picked up a drink, but that is a long, far cry from making it a good day. Yet I've just been told my feelings are wrong, invalid. And that makes me feel bad, angry - at the oldtimer, at myself?, hurt, sad again, frustrated ... and so my problem with feeling is

Here we go again -

My problem with feelings is that as a child I stuffed them down, packed them away. I couldn't deal with them then, I had to hide them and hide from them in order to survive what was happening to me. It wasn't just the violation of my body, incest affects the soul. It is soul killing, and I couldn't let them win, I couldn't let them do that so I put all the hurt and pain and fear and, yes, rage, away and pretended I was okay 'cause that's what i had to do to survive only,

the rage came out sideways. When I couldn't get angry at who I was angry at, I turned it against myself. I hurt myself both physically (drugs, alcohol, causing physical damage by breaking bones), and emotionally/spiritually when I yelled at myself 'what is wrong with you? Why are you such a loser? Why are you so stupid? Why don't you just die?' I hated myself for not being able to function like other people, and I hated myself for not standing up for myself. I hated myself for when I spoke up for myself because I was wrong and I hated myself for hating myself. And all these big bad feelings I couldn't cope with, I couldn't live with, so I stuffed them inside on top of all those other feelings I had stuffed down when I was a kid and being abused and after a while I'm like a pressure cooker with the pressure relief valve being held down and so my problems with feeling is, ..

My problem with feeling is.

Dammit, my problem with feeling is that they hurt. And I don't want to feel them. And eventually I can't control them, and the longer I wait the more feelings I've stuffed down that I'm going to have to deal with. Because they don't just go away. They are there. Waiting for me.

And feelings are big and confusing and overpowering and scary and I can't do it alone.

I can't do it alone. I've been doing it alone all these years. I'm in recovery now, I shouldn't have to be alone anymore. Right?

Which is a wonderful theory but who is here to be with me, to hold my hand, to help me and tell me it's okay and I'm all right. Who was there, when I was reliving all the horrid things that happened to me, to lean on. It's too big. It's too big for me. It's too big for me and any other person. It's just too big.

So, my problem with feelings is that I am really, truly, powerless over them, and my life has become completely unmanageable.

Where does that leave me? Well, I think I've written enough for one month. Besides, next month we get to cover step two.

Whee! Are we having fun yet?

Let me just say, for some of the hope part of E, S & H, that while there is absolutely nothing I can do or say to make going through the process - feeling the feelings and letting go of trying to control them - any easier or less painful for anyone, I can tell you that as a result of going through all of that. And it wasn't quick, don't ever think it was, it was years of rage and sobbing and fear (and still more fear). Aren't I just a little lump of sunshine? Anyway, after all of that, those feelings no longer rule me or my life. I try to not try to control my feelings, but to have them as they come up. And, since the backlog, at least a lot of it, has finally been set free, that's largely how I live my life. Without all that rage and pain and grief and fear that I stored up, there is much more room in my life for joy and love and silliness and fun. It doesn't hurt to feel good anymore.

I am not all better yet. I still have things come up from the past, and I still have all sorts of issues and problems. That's life. In fact that is life on life's terms. For whatever reason my higher power has me living someplace where people regularly throw bombs at us. And I am crazier than a bedbug sometimes as well. I spent a whole day in a huge blue funk over a couple of 'friends' who seem to have turned out not to be. Then I remembered that I have a higher power and He is in charge of who is in my life as well, and suddenly it was all okay. In fact, I was quite happy and gushed all over everyone for a while. Whatever. Feelings happen, and there are things I can do (like writing gratitude lists, or praying) that can help to influence the direction my feelings are going to go, overall I just try to do the right thing and leave it to Hashem to sort out the rest.

So there is hope, and it doesn't necessarily need to take as long for someone else as it did for me. I was in pretty bad shape, with a history of pretty horrific abuse, and not all of us have as far to come. The fact is, admitting to being powerless over incest is giving oneself permission to begin to feel those feelings, and to start the healing. It ain't pretty, but real life often is not. It's just the very best we can possibly have.

I've written on far too long, and I fear me I've gotten a bit preachy at the end. I'm too tired to try and fix it if I did, I'll just say I'm sorry, and I'll pass.

***

Good night, sleep tight, don't let the bed bugs bite.

I'm listening to my dog breathing, and, just for the moment, no booms at all.

:: Yesterdays : Tomorrows ::

~~~Last Five Entries~~~
Hi and goodbye - 2010-10-15
I'll be moving on - 2010-10-10
Gold membership and stuff - 2010-10-10
Decisions, decisions - 2010-10-07
Days to go - 2010-10-06