I'm grateful for: A flashback that explains some things; a nice visit with a friend; MMF.

Way too silly, I got this from fifidellabon So, can anyone tell me what it means to be an Uber Cool High Nerd? I kinda figured I would score low on the test. Which I suppose is pretty nerdy of me?

Yah, but anyway... woke up this morning to a tzeva adom. I didn't move, TH had his hands full w/S3, who was about half dressed and hysterical, so I burrowed under the covers and said a prayer. Seems to have worked, no one hurt here.

So we are back to our favourite game of counting missiles and mortars. One news site said thirteen and another said fifteen. Who really cares? Three people injured this morning. Heck of a way to start the day.

Hamas (according to one news site) is not responsible for the rocket and mortar attacks, it's some other group that hates us. Um... tell me why that should matter to me? On the other hand, supposedly the IDF got whoever launched the rocket at us this morning (that particular 'at us' referring to the moshav I live on, rather than Israel as a whole). So I figure that's good. At this rate, they will never run out of rockets and people to launch them, but, hey, it's a fun game and even the U.N. doesn't seem to think we are evil for playing it. So fun, to be allowed to play.

So, during the recent war and aftermath I seem to have lost a lot of readers. Okay, whatever. If I am not supposed to have strong feelings about a war which is going on right here in my backyard, literally, or I am not supposed to express them lest if upset someone's delicate sensibilities, then I really don't need 'em.

It is hard for me, though, to say whether I find it more upsetting when someone locks their diary, changes passwords, drops me from the favourites list and never says a word to me directly, or when someone drops me a friendly line to tell me that they will never read my diary again because i am stupid, and prejudiced, and foul-mouthed, and so I am too low to be recognized. Or something like that. I left out a couple of iterations of @#&^*^#$ - I may have missed a percent sign or a few asterisks, but who's counting? This is, I suppose, to show me how vastly superior the person writing was to me because that person ISN'T foul-mouthed like me. Um, yeah.

So I give fair warning. I WILL occasionally be upset and I WILL write emotionally and strongly and even have *gasp* unpopular opinions. I am at great pains to not pass judgment on other people's politics or opinions. Perhaps I am not 100% successful, but I do try.

If this is not good enough for either your delicate sensibilities or your superior moral stance, then I strongly recommend you drop me now. 'Cause I gotta tell you, if the war heats up again, yeah, I'm going to lose it a bit. I'm going to lose it in my diary. I'm quite possibly going to say unfriendly, not to mention uncomplimentary things about the new U.S. president, the British press, the U.N. and, gosh, I might even express negative opinions about the 'Palestinians,' those people who are trying to kill me and my children (and grandchildren if they ever live here). I cannot express this too strongly: If you cannot handle this, then DO NOT READ HERE!

Go away now, while I am still relatively calm about it.

Thank you.

Okay, so, after the tzeva adom, I lay in bed for several hours enjoying the latest in gross and grody flashbacks. The only really good thing I can say about it is that I can see how this particular flashback is directly connected to my not being able to do stuff. I doubt it is the sole cause, possibly not even a major cause, but there are things here that definitely have had a long term affect on my ability to function. It's pretty cool in a way. I am not just learning about myself, but I am seeing some ways in which the mind influences everything, literally everything in one's life.

Fer instance, this (flashback) seems to be the very first time someone actually convinced me that I was stupid. I was certainly called stupid before in my life, and many people looked at me and acted as if they thought I was just too stupid to live, but *I* didn't believe it. This event, I did. I was quite convinced that I was stupid, ignorant, useless and unable to perform any useful tasks. Pretty impressive. It hurt. It still hurts. But, it's something someone did to me, and knowing that I can begin to get out from under. It's not me, it's not about me, and icky people doing icky things to me does not and did not make me what they said I was. Progress.

I managed to get up and deal with one or two things, not much, when company showed up at the door. It was a friend on the moshav, who lives at the other end of the other loop. She walked up with her three kids for a visit, and a fine time was had by all. She and I chatted, the kids played, the baby completely tired himself out, and when she left the oldest child stayed here to play with my kids for several hours more. That kept my kids entertained as well.

By the time she left, I was pretty well all in, though, and lay down to try and rest. Instead I ended up on the phone with MMF, telling her about my flashback. In the middle of it, she got caught up in a memory of her own (one of the challenges of two survivors talking to each other), so I listened to hers for a bit, but then mine was distracting me too much so we went back to that for a while. We also talked about things like the weather, and food, and coping with husbands, and relying on Hashem.

Her husband has just recently retired and for her this has caused a bit of a crisis, and she is relying much more strongly on Hashem than she did before. Theirs was simply not a marriage made in heaven, although it's survived this long, which is longer than 30 years I believe. Still, he's abusive, and she is a multiple personality (and also probably abusive at times (although if they are both being abusive, than is it 'abuse' or just a more violent relationship than I would choose to be in? A curious thought)). Being together in the same house all the time can be hard on reasonably stable people. MMF can't go out, she is severely disabled, and only gets out with a lot of help to the dr. and like that. The husband just sits around the house mostly. I suppose he's glad to not be going out in the weather they are having, but, it's a small house...

TH came home from work while I was on the phone with MMF, and made supper for the kids. We watched some Dr. Who and some Addams family. TH read from a Secret Seven book and S3 read from The Fire Cat. S2 and I studied Hebrew together. I chatted with D2, and all-in-all it was a good day I suppose. Not TOO loud and exciting.

TH's boss has said he wants TH in the office more this week. This is a problem, we have other commitments and really, TH gets more work done at home, but what can we do when the boss is pushing? So we've just about decided to take a large portion of the family up north on Thursday. That way TH can be at work, S3 can visit with his friend in Bareqet, D3, if she comes, can finally get to use her gift card for a local bookstore chain. I have an appointment with the acupuncturist on Thursday because he won't be working on Friday, so that is the end of the day, and then home way after dark and S3's bedtime. Should be interesting.

On a completely different note, I am very sorry, and apologize, because I cannot remember who sent me the book Skellig. We finally got around to reading it, and the whole family loves it. I read it first, and passed it on to S2. D3 took it from him, and then I snagged it for TH to read aloud to S3. S1 is reading it, possibly as I am typing this, and D2 is waiting her turn. We all really love this book. So, thank you, thank you, thank you. It's not very often we come across the book that the whole family just eats up like this, although we have been given many very fine books. This one, for whatever reason, is special. :-)

I'm still working on Toilers of the Sea by Victor Hugo, but I am making progress, and hope to finish it in the next week or two. Yeaa!! It's good, but it's been a very slow read.

I'm off now. It's after 3am, and although I can sleep in tomorrow, I'd still rather have a more day oriented life.

I'm listening to Ricky Nelson: Anyone Else But You

:: Yesterdays : Tomorrows ::

~~~Last Five Entries~~~
Hi and goodbye - 2010-10-15
I'll be moving on - 2010-10-10
Gold membership and stuff - 2010-10-10
Decisions, decisions - 2010-10-07
Days to go - 2010-10-06