I'm grateful for: time to catch up a bit; time to grieve; some desperately, desperately needed rain.

I'm catching up on some friend's diaries. Slowly, slowly. I am struggling with intense feelings of being unwelcome, unwanted. I don't want to go anywhere or do anything unless I am guaranteed that I will *not* be 'sticking my face where it's not wanted.' Not too many chances of that. People, as a general rule, don't go out of there way to reassure me that I am welcome and-or wanted. Other than MMF, I can think of no one who makes a special effort to reassure me. Not that I'm saying it's anything wrong with others, I know the problem lies with me.

Okay, with me and with a LONG history of not being either welcome or wanted - starting from earliest memories. Not complaining, just saying that my feelings are based on real-life experience, rather than not being connected to reality, even if they are somewhat inappropriate in my present-day life.

I've got a bit of a cheat work-around for getting a 'y' to show up, the 'h' is also wonky, but works. I have no question mark, no hyphen, no arrow 'up' and no Number Six. I am not a man! I am a free number! The exclamation point works. ;-)

Our computer guy says my desktop computer is absolutely dead. Not worth fixing. It's only a few years old. I can't take this laptop to be fixed without a working computer, which leaves me stuck with the non-working keyboard for a while yet. In other disasters, the dratted cat peed on the keyboard from the desktop computer, and S1's laptop appears to be also dying - in his case it is the connection to power that is going.

I have one remaining (yes, we had a lot of computers) desktop imac from before we sold the farm. It does run 10.x, but it is slow, and so slow... TH is going to bring that computer to our fix-it guy to have the memory upgraded and stuff like that there. Then I will bring it in to my room and the laptop can go to be fixed at long last. I hope. I live in dread that the fix-it guy will tell me this laptop isn't worth fixing as well. After the last debacle with the 'official' mac store (in which I brought the laptop in to be fixed - under warranty - and they somehow dropped it, AND introduced corrosion into the machine), I have low expectations for all of this. But I cannot be without a computer. Not realistically, not without going completely off my nut.

So.

Not feeling sorry for myself, thank goodness, but I am feeling scared and sad and alone. I am finally starting to deal with my uncle's death, the grieving that has to happen before I can really move on. It hurts. It hurts like nothing I could describe or imagine. If you know what it's like I don't have to tell you, if you don't, well, lucky you.

The only time I *didn't* feel unwanted was when I was with him. I was most definitely unwanted in my mother's house, at school, in most social situations. I had an interesting exchange with MMF recently, for some reason we were talking about SF fandom and some of the people we hung out with (and how unfriendly some of them were, but that was a different story all together). She said something like she didn't know what she was doing with them and I answered I knew what I was doing with them, I was learning to be a person. Truth is, to be as completely clueless as I was there were few groups that would have accepted me, or allowed me entry. But if you've literally never interacted socially with other people, having grown up as someone's property and not even seeing other children, well, fandom was a fairly decent place to be. They were also pretty much clueless, so I could fit right in.

I wasn't precisely made welcome, but I used to be much better at putting myself into places and situations regardless of welcome, and making myself at home. *sigh* If, in His infinite wisdom, Hashem saw fit to give me the chutzpah to be able to do that, to just put myself into places like that, then couldn't He at least have made me either oblivious or uncaring of how others received me - question mark.

Well, I think that is enough blather for one entry. It is dark here today, and rainy. We desperately need the rain. All my roses died, between the frost and the hail. Must buy more roses.

Okay, that is sorted, S2 is driving D3 to Netivot, there to buy fruit and veg and milk and roses. All desperately necessary for continued existence. I want a rose hedge. Big, full, flowery and private.

I am listening to the clothes washer. *sigh*

:: Yesterdays : Tomorrows ::

~~~Last Five Entries~~~
Hi and goodbye - 2010-10-15
I'll be moving on - 2010-10-10
Gold membership and stuff - 2010-10-10
Decisions, decisions - 2010-10-07
Days to go - 2010-10-06