I'm grateful for: learning better boundaries, slowly; homemade fruit paste-fruit leather that tastes very good and is good for me; my wonderful life.

I'm sorry. I am changing (again). I don't know where this is going or for how long - heaven knows enough of my 'changes' last for a week or less. Or maybe I just don't realize how much the changes become a part of me - question mark.

I can look back at earlier diaries - and I don't just mean stuff I wrote ten or twenty years ago, but also stuff I wrote just a year or two ago, and see so many changes that have already happened. Is this normal - question mark. I would tend to hope so. But it does leave me with a feeling that I am never standing on firm ground.

Changes are good. I had a visit from a truly awful woman whom I DO NOT like, she invaded my home on shabbos, and I had the best time telling her that the courts aren't necessarily wrong for taking children (some children) away from their parents. Telling her that I have no pity or sympathy for the abuse she claims to have received - I have suffered far worse and I manage to get up most days and smile - even if I am not able to actually get up.

And so on. I had a great time saying things that I needed to hear, and I believe that she probably benefited from as well. I was actually happy when she left, and not just because she left.

I spent a couple of hours on the phone with D1 today. It was grueling. I don't even want to talk about it. She is starting to (not surprizing, but still a blow to my heart) back off from coming here. I do believe she will in the end, but it seems it will be the very end. I don't know how much more of this I could take. I got to talk to GD1 a couple of times, which was so sweet it was heart-breaking. Also heart-breaking, to me, that D1 is completely oblivious to the pain she causes me - doesn't even imagine that there is cause for pain. *sigh* She is in her late twenties - not a small child any longer. At least biologically.

Conversation with RS that was equally grueling. I told RS up front I wasn't up to talking. She kept me on the phone for almost half an hour because she just wanted help with 'one thing.' I did finally get off the phone. I know it was my choice, I am not blaming her. I think the change is in how conscious I was of the situation and the choice I was making.

I've spent my life surrounded by broken people - I almost take it for granted that people will be broken and that they will prey upon me. Today I am seeing a choice not to be a part of that. Scary, in a way.

I really want to see the new holocaust movie with Jeph G0ldblum. I hope, I *really* hope TH and I can get out to a movie theatre tomorrow. If not, I will surely survive, but not so happiiy. I didn't get to see the one with L1ev Shre1ber about the Bielski partisans, but that one I only wanted to see for the actors, really, while this one I want to see for the film itself, the story, the directing, everything.

I am, for the first time in my life, contemplating checking out Facebook. I don't even know why. It's not curiosity, except I guess I'm wondering just who I haven't thought about for years that I might find there. In my copious spare time. I didn't manage to feed the birds tonight either.

I am utterly sick and tired of being sick and tired. And, it's after 2am which means I have to stop now and try to sleep. Good night all.

I am listening to Pink Floyd: Arnold Layne

:: Yesterdays : Tomorrows ::

~~~Last Five Entries~~~
Hi and goodbye - 2010-10-15
I'll be moving on - 2010-10-10
Gold membership and stuff - 2010-10-10
Decisions, decisions - 2010-10-07
Days to go - 2010-10-06