I'm grateful for: the new kitten, who needs a name; not having to make myself crazy about things I can't control - although sometimes I still do; a period of greater calm in my life, despite the nearness of Pesach.

Every three hour feedings 24-7 definitely eat into available time for things like reading diaries, news, or, well, everything. Kind of like having a newborn human only much smaller and, well, cuter. No, really.

She is so tiny, barely taller than my external disk drive, which I know because just a little bit ago she was looking at it, wondering perhaps if it was edible, or good to play with. Her head topped it by just a few millimetres, and it lies horizontally.

I can't remember when I last wrote or what I last wrote, and I can't be bothered to look it up. The last two days have been about recovering some normalcy in our lives - besides the 24-7 feedings I mean. Resting, doing schoolwork and-or reading with S3, studying Hebrew with S2. S1 has a quite amazing grasp of Hebrew - he's not literate by any means, but he can get through a conversation or watch a movie and understand the dialogue.

So I'm doing all right by the kids with their Hebrew, which is really more important than if I can ever use it. But still I'd like to be able to.

Tomorrow is busy again. S2 has a dental cleaning scheduled (important to do before he goes into the army). S3 and D3 have riding lessons. Someone has to get to the shuk. And theoretically TH and I are supposed to be applying for a mortgage online. I have to leave the house around 5pm to drive north and pick up friends from Bareqet - the mom and three kids - and drive them back down here to visit until Thursday. Wow. They want to see the goat kids, the chicks, the kitten (who came to us from them), and also for the kids to all get to play a bit, together and with other kids on the moshav.

I managed to get outside to feed the chickens and visit with the goats today, for the first time in I don't know how long. A nice couple from the caravanim came by with their toddler son to visit with the baby chicks. We tried to show him the goat kids, but he really wasn't very interested in anything but the chickens. I've seen that before with toddlers, something about the poultry really grabs their interest. I did get to practice a bit of Hebrew with them - the couple, not the poultry - but fortunately they both had fairly good English.

I'm working very hard on getting stress out of my life - unnecessary stress. Mostly about other people. I've not been able for some reason to just let things be, they get into my heart, and I have to find a way to let it all go. I can't afford the stress, and I need to keep what energy I have for me and my family.

I thought I would start keeping a paper journal and write in it the things I have no control over that I have to let Hashem have and completely let go of. First and foremost is D1, and her kids (my grandkids) and what happens to them and whether or not I will ever get to see them. I care, but I really have to figure out how to care from a safe emotional distance.

Then there is RS and her crazy plans. Latest one is she thinks she can somehow come to Israel in October and yet be here for the high holidays - which start September 18. Um, no. That is simply not possible. But is there anything I can do - no. I have to let it go, and let Hashem do the worrying. Otherwise, I am being insane. Seriously.

Similar situation with a family in which the mother, a survivor of incest, is participating in the most horrendous mistreatment of her two (grown-up) daughters, in the guise of 'protecting' them. I know, I know, they are not my kids, they are not my business, they are 'technically' adults. If you only knew... Still, nothing I can do, nothing at all. Have to give that one up, pray for Hashem to step in. It just breaks my heart.

And on, and on... Sometimes, rarely, I can have an affect, and hopefully when I do it is positive. But mostly all I can do is pray. So, let me not waste my time fretting and worrying. I have plenty enough to do. The kitten just fell asleep again - two more hours 'til the next feeding (she played for about 40 minutes before 'going' in her box and then going to sleep). It's almost 1:30am. Sleep isn't very satisfying when it's broken up like this. However, she more than makes up for it by bringing so much joy into our lives.

She has decided that D3 and I are both 'imas' that is to say 'moms.' S2 is acceptable as a substitute on occasion and we've labeled him 'uncle.' She's not interested in anyone else in the family.

And I guess that's it. Time spent with the kitten, or even worrying about the kitten, is not wasted or ill-spent. Perhaps Hashem sent her here to help me with letting go of all the other sh*t. It's possible.

Goodnight to D3, who is sleeping with the kitten on her chest for the first part of the night. It'll be my turn after the next feeding. And good night or good day to all y'all.

I'm listening to D3 settling down, and that's all.

:: Yesterdays : Tomorrows ::

~~~Last Five Entries~~~
Hi and goodbye - 2010-10-15
I'll be moving on - 2010-10-10
Gold membership and stuff - 2010-10-10
Decisions, decisions - 2010-10-07
Days to go - 2010-10-06