I'm grateful for: a new Maeve Binchy book; old anthologies I read so long ago (18 years?) that I don't remember them; time marching on.

Tomorrow we are theoretically celebrating my birthday. Or picking a day to celebrate me, since I/we really don't know when I was born. I only know because D3 asked me what sort of cake I want. I'm glad and a little bit apprehensive, I don't know what about. Besides what a debacle earlier birhday celebrations have been for me.

Earlier tonight I had what I believe used to be called 'free floating anxiety,' but which I just call feeling scared. I wasn't scared about anything in particular (that I know of). It wasn't anything as severe as a panic attack. Just feeling scared. Which, for some reason, keeps me awake. So here I am awake after 4am again. I'm never going to get any sleep... *pout*

Trusting in Hashem - good. Doing the next right thing - good. Recognizing that it feels like tightroping without a net - good. Feeling my feelings - good. So, it's all good. Except I don't get any sleep and I really don't *enjoy* sitting around feeling scared - heart racing a bit, nerves jumping, all that stuff.

I got sucked into the wonderful online comic called 'Girl Genius,' so I have ample distraction. Well, that plus Kitten, who is a distraction and a half all by herself. Not for nothing is she named after a whirlwind. Although right now she is curled up as cute as can be on my lap, keeping me from getting into a comfortable position for falling asleep. And, of course, when I move her so I can lie down, then she will be awake and want to play which will keep me from getting to sleep. There is a pattern here.

It's not forever. I've lived through plenty of babies in my life, and she won't be a baby for very long at all. It will pass, and sleep will become a more regular feature of my everyday life. I am doing this on purpose. I really need her to be *my* kitten, and someday to be *my* cat. I'm really not so much of a dog person. I have dogs, I like dogs, but if I never had another day with a dog in the house that would suit me just fine. I really like snakes and lizards and spiders - but they aren't particularly cuddly, even the better pet snakes. I need a cat.

Kitten was delivered to me at just exactly the right time, and she has the right personality. She will be my cat, and she will go for walks and rides with me, and sleep with me, and I intend to take full advantage of the situation. ;-) Nothing to her detriment - it's not like she had any chance of a 'normal' cat life. She would have died, or been stuck in a cage being bottle fed at a shelter - if there was room.

Drat, the dogs, or at least one dog, has gotten outside and now is fussing and barking at the back door to get in. TH is, as usual, sleeping through all the noise and bother. So I either have to get up, disturbing the kitten, to let the dog in, or listen to the noise until it finally reaches a level to get TH up. Either way is not good for my eventual sleep.

Ah, there we go, the dog woke the kitten up. Well, I guess we'll see what can be seen, eventually.

Lots of news, a lot of it not happy or pleasant. I don't really enjoy reading the news some days. TH was really hating his job today. He wants to quit. Not the specific job, working with computers in general. He's very good at it, but doesn't like it anymore. He'll get over it for a bit, but I expect he will eventually find a way out of computing.

I tell him if it is Hashem's will that he get out of (what is called in Israel) Hi-Tek, then I'm okay with it. But the idea scares me. What else can he do to make enough to support our large and difficult family along with a crippled wife? What could I do to make a difference? If he manages to seriously turn to farming, then how do I stand having him around so much of the time? I'm sure that if it's meant to be it will work out, but it doesn't stop me from worrying. Possibly contributing to my 'free floating anxiety.' I don't want him to hate his work. But I honestly suspect that the work isn't the problem. He's not happy with himself. So getting into another field may help for a while, but won't address the core problem.

At least he's not so much taking it out on me anymore.

My new keyboard is still delighting me. I was in the family room a little bit ago and saw the keyboard that Art sent, plugged in to the remaining desktop computer, and that delights me, too. It takes so very little to make me happy sometimes! :-)

We may need to replace the television. It's relatively new, but it needs repairs that cost as much as a new television would at this point the price of televisions having come down in this country recently. I can't afford it, and I certainly can live without a television, but I don't want to. I lived happily without television for years and didn't want one, but I have finally been subsumed. Or something like that. I don't watch much, and I don't actually watch television, except programs I have on dvd, I watch for about an hour in the evening, not even every evening, but I don't want to do without it. *sigh*

On the plus side, the washing machine has been running with no trouble at all since I last wrote about it.

I'd wanted to do a cookout tonight, but the winds were really high, and all of us are sick. I'm hoping maybe tomorrow. I'm hoping tomorrow not everyone in the household will be sick. April is a lousy time for everyone to be sick, *I* think.

I think Kitten may be settling back down, after being woken up before by the dog's noise. I'm going to try and join her, maybe get a little bit of sleep before the world erupts and I have to cope again, grouchy because of too little sleep, but still managing to enjoy my life and be grateful for all the good things in it. How on earth did that happen?

I don't know if I have any readers left who remember back a whole bunch of years, when I was writing here as Ladybugge, and I was so very unhappy, life was so hard, and I could barely struggle to try to be grateful at all for anything. Well, life is still so hard. So some things haven't changed. ;-)

I took all of that down after moving to Israel. It was a different life. I expect that some time I'll be taking this one down as well - it's been mostly a record of transitioning from one life to another, new sort of life. In Israel, but also with a different relationship with my husband and family, different attitudes, less concerned with 'recovery' and more concerned with living the best life that I can do.

So, not today, and I have no idea at this point what form the next chapter will take, but there is certainly another one coming. Oy, what a long, strange trip it's been.

Be well, all, and Gd bless

I'm listening to nothing outside of my own thoughts.

:: Yesterdays : Tomorrows ::

~~~Last Five Entries~~~
Hi and goodbye - 2010-10-15
I'll be moving on - 2010-10-10
Gold membership and stuff - 2010-10-10
Decisions, decisions - 2010-10-07
Days to go - 2010-10-06