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Honey is Sweet

Monday the 18th - 2009-05-18

I'm grateful for: being finished with what we have to do for S1 for now; a miracle of water bottles; finding more space in my head and in my home.

Today ... I actually woke up on my own around 6am. I tried to go back to sleep, but it didn't work, and I ended up driving S1 and D2 up north today. We got D2 home in good time, and also got S1 to his appointment in good time.

S1 met with someone he was actually supposed to be meeting with - amazing - and after the interview we have done all we can and are waiting for a yes, or a no. The question is, will the army take S1 after he got himself excused from the draft because of Asperger's? The important question apparently was had he ever hurt anyone? He said no (not technically true, or course, but he never hurt anyone in a rage which is what they were really asking about). So he may be good to go. On the other hand, they may let him in, but not let him do what he wants to do. Which would be too bad, but I think still better than if he didn't get to do army service.

It's hard to explain how important army service is here. People will give you jobs or not depending on if you served, and what kind of service you did. It's not that people who don't serve in the army are second class citizens - TH and I can't, but we are certainly full citizens - but that in society generally people who were of age to serve are looked at differently if they don't. The army is the main system for absorption. Just about everyone does it, and it connects people.

Anyway, if S1 wasn't able to go in the army, no one here, on this moshav, would hold it against him. Another reason I like this moshav. But it might hold him back in other parts of his life.

While S1 was being interviewed, I drove off to the kenyone (mall) where it has become my habit to wait while a child is at Tel HaShomer. I can use the bathroom, and sit and read without being bothered. And do a spot of shopping if necessary. Since I've been able to do more and move about better lately, I did do a bit of shopping. I even chose not to park in a handicapped space (there was a regular parking space right next to the crip parking) and walked in as if there was nothing wrong with me. Okay, I still limp a bit and have the occasional stagger, but it's a far cry from a few weeks ago. I love my acupuncturist! Or at least what he does for me. :-)

I stopped at a pharmacy and got myself some calcium supplements, and bought hair clips for D3 who had asked about me getting her some. I also picked up some Doritos for a really good price, a good snack for S1 when he was finished. I went and read for a while (a nice old SF anthology), then went to a supermarket in the mall and bought two packages of bottled water. A four pack of seltzer and a six pack of plain bottled water. Litre bottles.

I carried them, along with my pharmacy purchases and my tik (purse in this instance) over to the register. I stood in line for quite a while. I carried them out to the car. Well, you just cannot imagine what a miracle that is for me. Just to carry ONE package of bottles of bottled water was barely manageable, from, say, the shelf to a shopping cart. For me this was kind of the equivalent of someone lifting a car off of a baby. Unbelievable. And it came quite naturally. I sort of stood in front of the bottles, imagined myself carrying them, and felt as if I could do it. And I did. Wow.

By the time I got everything including me into the car, though, I'd really done myself in. I drove back to pick up S1, not quite shaking, but truly exhausted. We drove as far as Petakh Tikvah, because he said he wanted a hamburger, and that was the nearest place I knew we could go to a Burger King or a McDonald's. Trust me, you really don't want to go to an Israeli place for a hamburger. Ugh. If anyone reading this remembers those sawdust filled hamburger patties we sometimes got in hot school lunches? Like that, only with less flavour. Um, yuck.

So, we got hamburgers and fries, and rested and recovered a bit. There is a sharav, that would be the hot wind off the Sahara, and the weather is unbelievable unless you live near Death Valley or someplace like that. So sitting in an airconditioned restaurant out of the sun - a good thing.

We headed for home, but I forgot to get gas at the station I would usually go to there, and there simply wasn't another gas station (I have to go to a particular chain, the gas is paid for by TH's employer) until we got to the end of the big toll road. I pulled in on fumes, to find out that the whole station wasn't working. The power was off for some reason (some kind of repairs?). And I hadn't enough gas to get to another station, or even have a clue where another one would be. This was just about as much in the middle of nowhere as where I live.

Some consternation but not too much drama, S1 and I elected to just sit and wait for things to work again. There was a jeep full of soldiers at the pump directly across from us doing the same thing, so at least we knew it wasn't hopeless. One of those situations where having a bit more of the language might have been helpful.

Fortunately it wasn't too long a wait. And we were shaded under the roof-thing they have over the pumps (what do you call those things?). So it could have been much worse, and we made it home. My own tanks gave out just before we got home, so I managed to park the car, but didn't have the strength to get my shoe on.

TH helped with the shoe, and got me inside. They had turned the air conditioning on at home, so I sat in the air conditioned room - that is the salon - until I felt capable of falling down in my own bed, and that's what I did.

I got a couple of disks burned of Shakespeare from the BBC Collection. I always like to burn copies - backup disks. We can be awfully hard on dvd's here, and it's too much money to lose the ability to view something because the kids got crumbs on the table or something like that. And TH and I played a rail game.

There are these tiny little flying bugs simply everywhere. No idea where or how they are getting in, but it could really be almost anywhere. They are that tiny. They aren't all the same sorts of bugs, some are black and some are green. Some look just like ants when they are not flying, others look like beetles and still others look like something with too many legs from a low-budget monster movie. Most of them don't bite, but some of them do. I'm guessing they are coming inside to escape the heat of the sharav. I hope that's it, it was that sudden - none yesterday and they are everywhere today.

I got a phone call from S2, who is doing better than yesterday, and from RS, who wanted to tell me some good news about a friend of hers who got a job she wanted.

S1 pretty much collapsed when we got home, and I barely saw him the rest of the day.

Right now I'm in my room, alone, no critters with me (except all the horrible little bugs). I'm hoping that means better sleep tonight. I don't know why Chamudah isn't choosing to sleep with me. I would let her in, but she was no where to be found. Just as well for me, though. She really makes things impossible for me.

I had wanted to write something about TH and I, and our relationship, and about increased acceptance on my part, or something like that. I don't now remember all the details, but I had a freeing moment in which I was suddenly able to see that he really isn't capable of providing me with the sort of companionship or emotional support I've been wanting and not getting from him. Knowing that it isn't possible (at least for today) at least frees me up from trying constantly to communicate to him what I want, and to try and make him understand or able to give it to me.

It doesn't really matter if it's can't or won't from my point of view. Point is, it isn't there. I am feeling stronger (thank you Hashem, and acupuncturist), and at the moment I can face a life without that sort of close relationship, companionship, - friendship even - with my spouse. It doesn't make me happy, but I can do it. It makes me more patient and more tolerant of him, and makes our lives all-in-all more pleasant for everyone.

I still don't understand why or how my life has to be like this. But it is. It feels better being able to face that and accept it.

On the other hand, I do seem to have friends galore. Perhaps not always exactly what I think I want in a friend, or a friendship, but plenty of people who think enough of me to want to keep me around. That's a nice thing, something I didn't really know before.

I know I've written about it before, possibly ad infinitum, the fact is that I am really, truly clueless about many, many things that the rest of the world seems to know about, yet doesn't seem to be able to explain to me. Friends and friendship still sort of defy my understanding. I seem to spend a lot of time wanting both more and less than what I have. I have expectations that seem realistic to me, but aren't, at least in terms of what I can actually achieve or receive. Then there are times I just feel so lost - feeling my way through a fog, bumping into and off of people, feeling isolated despite how many really wonderful people I have contact with in different ways.

I know there are some sort of rules, a system, a way things work. I recognize that it isn't hard and fast, but fluid, ever-changing, situational. Different depending on time of day, company, country, you-name-it. I never feel like I have a handle on any of it. Sometimes I am hard on myself, saying (to myself) I should just get over it, accept whatever-it-is that is in front of my face, stop trying to understand, to analyze, or to guess even just what things really are and what is going on. I imagine at times that everyone is really as clueless as I am, but somehow they don't question it, or take it for granted, or have learned how to cope with it, or something.

It bothers me.

For now, enough. I am going to go forward, for the moment, just working on recognizing and accepting that Hashem gets me what I need, whether it is friends and friendships, or emotional support, or challenges to grow from, or whatever. I told someone the other day, yesterday? - that when the time is right and you are ready, everything just flows. Until then, try not to fret about it.

I'm trying, I'm trying. ...

I really want to be able to buy this house. I wish Hashem would at least show us some kind of timetable to go by. This is one of the harder things for me to not fret about.

Since S2 went in the army, things really are quieter and less hectic around here. I guess I wasn't aware of how much stress, strain and effort was going into getting him ready, and us preparing for his leaving. He is struggling a lot, and it is hard to hear, but I know he will be okay, things will get better, and all I can do is keep reassuring him of that.

Not fretting. That is a hard one.

*sigh*

I'm listening to Susanne Georgi: La teva decisio. The Eurovision entry song from Andorra.

0 bleats so far

:: Yesterdays : Tomorrows ::

~~~Last Five Entries~~~
Hi and goodbye - 2010-10-15
I'll be moving on - 2010-10-10
Gold membership and stuff - 2010-10-10
Decisions, decisions - 2010-10-07
Days to go - 2010-10-06