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Honey is Sweet

Whining, I think - 2009-05-22

I'm grateful for: a sleeping kitten; some really needed sleep myself; knowing someone is in charge and it's not me.

I slept until forever, like 3pm. I'd feel terrible about it if I didn't feel so much better overall. Still not terribly functional, but I managed to get up and go shopping tonight with just D3. Something I couldn't have managed yesterday.

I was having just horrible dreams, about the older boys, and about D1, and I can't remember what else. Then, when I finally woke up, I found myself writing a letter to D1. It's been a long time coming, and it is a necessary letter. Things I need to have said to her, because I am just becoming unable to talk with her due to all the unsaid things piling up. Nothing bad, but my opinions of some things and people in her life, and a detailed explanation of why I think she and the kids would be better off if they moved here, even only for a year or two. Six months, even. Honestly, I believe they should move here with the open-ended intention of staying for at least three years, because that's how long it takes to get settled enough to know what's right for you here. But, whatever. I think she should come here with the kids, and live here for a while, primarily because there is no place else in the world that she and they can get taken care of.

Where and how she lives now, she is pretty much the sole caretaker of two small children, shares child-rearing with two more, and is being demanded to help take care of at least one other adult as well, while no one is making any sort of an effort to help her take care of herself. Not the children's father with his weeks long migraines (I have all sympathy for migraine sufferers, but this man won't see a dr., won't take anything for them, won't apply for social security despite not being able to hold a job because of the migraines, well, the list goes on...) Not the father's new wife, with her new baby that supposedly keeps her so busy she can't take care of her two other children, forget about help with anyone else. Not the new love interest, who she says is willing to play with the children, well, that surely makes him someone to rely on in a crisis. Well, I have my opinions, and for the most part I keep them to myself (except here) because there is no point, but I wrote this letter.

I carefully skirted around saying anything in particular about the other individuals in the household - although I think it possible that as of now they are actually in separate households... I don't know, D1 is never very forthcoming about details of her life. I just told her that I thought she would be better off here, and why I think she would be better off here, and told her that I would support her decisions (since they are not mine to make - thank goodness) whatever they were, but that I could support her more fully if I didn't have a load of unspoken thoughts in my head.

I actually stuck it in an envelope tonight. I hope it was the right thing to do. I am so squirrelly about this I don't trust my judgment at all.

Next up was just getting some stuff cleared out of my computer and off of my desk, and supper, and finally going shopping. We left the house around nine I think, and got home before midnight which isn't bad.

After we got home I got ripped to shreds by Kitten. Really bad. I don't know what to do about it, other than try to avoid having bare skin, or being in her path. I have a good scratch on my right cheek that extends to my neck - I hope that heals up completely.

What else. I suppose, nothing else. Phone calls, too much stress when I am feeling fragile and I had a little bit of crying hysterics. I stopped by the awful woman's house to give her a map so that she wouldn't call me again. She of course will phone me again, but I've taken away one of her excuses at least.

Next door to the awful woman is a family of Americans, relatively new to the moshav, with three children. I stopped by, briefly, to see how they were doing and the mother, who is nine-months pregnant plus, was having contractions 2 minutes apart. Her waters broke after D3 and I got back from shopping, so we are going to have her three children to stay with us over shabbos. I'm really glad, but I wish I was in better shape for this. I'm really still terribly fragile. I hate being fragile, but one thing I have finally learned is not to try and fake it when I am like this. That only gets bad.

I was talking to a friend of mine, MMF, and she sort of put her finger on it when she said after the last of her parents died she felt like an orphan. Yup, that does pretty much sum up what is going on with me. I lost my only parent. That woman who gave birth to me is no sort of a parent at all. And I am alone in the world. It doesn't matter that I am 40+, I feel like I should somehow be better able to handle it than I am. Well, it is good to understand why I am feeling the way I am, and it is good to know that this is healing stuff - I will get better, I am getting better. It would be nice to, I don't know, not be so alone...

I yelled at TH for trying to help me. He was just annoying me, and the help might have been a good thing but I was so angry at him I didn't let him and that contributed to my being torn up by Kitten. Sometimes life is just too hard, and I am ill-equipped to deal with it.

I hope I am at least doing a better job by my kids. Listening to S2, sometimes I think I've done them wrong. But then, S2 has always looked on the bad side of things. His glass is always half-empty. So maybe I need to not listen to S2. But how do I not? Do I refuse to take his phone calls? I'm lost with no roadmap here, and I am blessed tired of it.

Tomorrow is another hard day. Picking up S2, we don't know where or when, some shopping, trying to clean for Shabbos and three extra very small children in the household.

Hopefully my mood will at least pick up. Having caught up a bit on sleep may help with that.

I want a job...

Well, that's enough for tonight.

I'm listening to Fugazi: Waiting Room

0 bleats so far

:: Yesterdays : Tomorrows ::

~~~Last Five Entries~~~
Hi and goodbye - 2010-10-15
I'll be moving on - 2010-10-10
Gold membership and stuff - 2010-10-10
Decisions, decisions - 2010-10-07
Days to go - 2010-10-06