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Honey is Sweet Always looking up? - 2009-05-22 I'm grateful for: good friends and family; baby born and crazies coped with; making progress, however small, however slowly. Feeling a bit better, but still tired. I have this thing that happens to me - I don't know if it's about being too tired, or if there is something inside my head which is wired wrong, or what. Sometimes, particularly when I've been outside in the sun on a 'bad' day, I find I absolutely can't take sound. Not any sound. Not at all. The neighbour's music, which I basically tune out most of the time, it's acid dripping on a nerve. Pick-up truck honking it's horn over and over and over is enough to make me start screaming if I don't have a strong handle on my reactions. Dogs barking? It's a good thing I'm too weak to go out and kill them with my bare hands. The kids talk to me and it's all I can do to tell them weakly to please leave me a lone, I can't cope. If they don't (or if another child comes in - with five offspring in the country, I may have to repeat this one several time), then I am gritting my teeth, clenching my fists, and doing my darnedest to tell them, as nicely as possible, to get the F*** away from me because one of these noises - and i can't tell which one ahead of time - is going to push me over the edge and they will have a screaming hysterical lunatic on their hands. Today it hit me with S3 in here putting on shoes, S1 in the doorway, chatting, TH asking me a question. And the pickup truck honking away. -- as a side note, in Israel people pull up and honk - it's what they do. Houses and apartment buildings don't have doorbells. People who have them and can afford the call may pull up and ring the person they want on the cell 'hi, I'm here, I'm downstairs' but on a moshav like this one everyone just pulls up and honks. -- So I said, reasonably sweetly, and clearly not forcefully enough that was all done in and I needed them to clear out. S1 cleared out of the doorway, but S3 kept putting his shoes on. I clenched my teeth and waited. After a few moments I asked if S3 needed any help (can I speed this up at all, please?). He assured me he could do it. D3 wandered in, and TH asked me a question and I just about lost it. I managed, through brimming tears, to suggest quietly for S3 to finish putting his shoes on someplace else. I then spent five minutes fielding the questions 'are you alright' answer: no! 'is there anything I can do' answer: stop asking me questions 'do you want a hug' answer: ... well, I managed to take a deep breath on that one and say that while a hug would be nice, it would require that I move and I wasn't up to that, and what I needed most was quiet. Every question grated on my nerves, not because it was a question, but the sound! I've never been able to adequately explain this one to anyone. I don't know if it is normal (or relatively normal) or a sign of something wrong. I don't know if it may be a result of the M.S. or one of my childhood legacies or just some weird kick in my gallop. I remember feeling that way as a child sometimes, but that was always when my mother was screaming, and who wouldn't be overwhelmed by sound at that point? I don't remember this happening, specifically my reacting to *sound* - any sound - in the intervening years until I think about the time we moved to Israel. Could it be related to the blood-loss, I wonder? Anyway, so that happened today, and left me really upset and crying. Well, I was upset and crying from the start I suppose... I finally managed to get something settled. I manage to curl up and find a way to shut out the sounds - mostly by concentrating on reading something that took enough concentration I just didn't hear anything else going on for a bit. After a while of that, I tried putting on some music. Sound that I have chosen, particularly music, is very soothing, especially if it drowns out the sounds that I can't tune out by concentrating. Actually, now that I come to think of it, it did happen before we moved to Israel, because I remember there being times I just had to get far, far out in the woods where I wouldn't hear anyone. The sounds of wind in trees and the occasional bird calls (if they weren't too loud and raucous) didn't bother me so much, and I would (when we had the farm and I could walk) hike up the hill and over the other side where the sounds of people and living and cars and all couldn't follow me. Also, it was a small enough town that I could at night just shut everything down, and as long as the refrigerator compressor didn't turn on, the house was silent as anyone could wish... So, it wasn't so much of a problem there. I could get away from sound for a while. Not here. So. I don't know that there is anything deep and meaningful about it, it's just a curious thing that I have never heard anyone else talk about. Does that make me weird and unique, or is it just one of those things I've not run into before in others? I dunno. Besides that it wasn't a bad day. I didn't get anything done at all. No, I did some schoolwork with S3, and did get a bunch of reading done. That was nice. I'm reading The Financier by Theodore Dreiser right now. I don't really know why, it appealed to me is all. It's not a bad book, not anything particularly wonderful. Very informative in a way, and different enough from anything I usually read to be a nice change. I'm also just starting Michael J. Fox's book Always Looking Up, but I haven't got far enough in that to say anything about it. S2 is home for the weekend, and other than banged up all over the place looking good - and sounding really good. What a relief! I don't know if I could've taken another whining miserable weekend with him. I just haven't got enough to support my own moods without trying to support his as well. Little things happened. I sat outside with Kitten this morning while she frolicked in the great outdoors. My bed is a little less cluttered than it was yesterday. I managed to get my lovely candle lighted, that TH gave me a few weeks ago. I really love candles. They just make me feel happier, I don't know why. I can't remember anything else. We watched Singin' in the Rain tonight, and finished the third Famous Five book for S3. He is reading Beautiful Warrior, which is quite a difficult book for him, so we manage a couple of pages a night usually. For some reason tonight everything is looking brighter, or looking up, or the weight that's been keeping m down has been lifted, or something like that. I'm not all better by a long shot, and I am still coping with ridiculous amounts of pain, but it's moving in the right direction, and that is good. I'm listening to the fan in my room (I hate the constant noise, but can't live without it). 0 bleats so far:: Yesterdays : Tomorrows ::
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