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Honey is Sweet

A full day, plus flashback - 2009-05-28

I'm grateful for: occasionally listening when I am telling others the things that I need to hear; a bit more space on my bed, in my room, in my head; checks to deposit.

I slept in today. Who is surprized? I woke up before noon, though. To a very quiet house. The only people here were S1, D3 and me.

There were still the four dogs and Kitten, but what can you do? I'm still dealing with guilt around Peppito. I seriously doubt that another home is going to open up for him. S3 doesn't know that what we are probably going to end up doing is having him killed. He thinks that Peppito is just going to a new home, and we are waiting because we haven't found one yet. He talks about how hard it is, waiting, and how bad he feels about giving Peppito to someone else. Could I feel any more guilty?

In any event, quiet day, I got an awful lot done, shrinking some of the piles that have built up rather too high around me, and generally catching up on a bunch of necessary stuff. And spending and awful lot of money.

I can't remember what I did first, but I finally got all the photos off the camera cards and onto the computer, and even backed them all up to either my disk-on-key or my external hard drive, or both. I still haven't actually looked at them, leave alone deleted the bad ones or sorted out the good ones, but it is progress, and now the cameras are all put away properly, too.

I went online and found replacement batteries for my camera (not available in Israel, apparently), which are being shipped to an address in the U.S. (won't/can't ship out of the U.S., possibly why I can't buy them here) and later to be forwarded to me here. It's a lot of work, and a lot of money, especially paying for shipping twice. But it is worth it. To replace my digital camera (granted for a way more advanced one) would cost me way over $1000. No way I can afford that. Not today, not tomorrow, not for my birthday. Maybe when mother dies... but I won't even bother to think about that. I like my camera, and I like the film camera I have which can use the same lenses. I do want an additional lens or two, but can't possibly afford them, either.

Along with the batteries/battery packs then I also bought a camera backpack. It should make shlepping all my gear around much easier, which will mean more photos taken, which will mean more photos I have to eventually look through and sort and so on. But it's worth it if I can get back to taking photos like I used to. It was really depressing to realize that I just don't have photos of the last year of kids' birthdays - not really. And it really isn't okay to only be taking photos at birthdays, sometimes a lot happens around here quickly. I took photos of S2 in his army uniform, and someday some of them will show up here. I hope. Or on my fotolog. Anything is possible.

I entered receipts, bought sheets, figured out a tentative budget for June, read some, did some laundry. It all feels good to have gotten done. I need to somehow stop thinking now about all the things I DIDN'T get done that are still piled around me or waiting for me to get to them. Progress is slow, and the important thing is that I am moving in the right direction.

*sigh*

The other big thing today is I had an all new gross'n'grody flashback. That's not true, it's not 'all new' at all. I wonder why it came out like that? This is one of my earlier flashbacks, something I remembered and relived in the first few years of recovery. It was yucky then, it was even yuckier now. More detail, more 'you-are-there' experience. There was pain and sadness and misery and a bit more perspective. Funny how things like that can go together. I've been doing a lot of telling people things I need to hear lately, not that I don't do it all the time. I am noticing that I'm thinking S2 has to let got of looking for help from me while he is on base, and what I need to do is stop looking for help from people who are far away in distance and in time. There is nothing they can do for me not anymore, not here, not now.

I phoned MMF and I guess it was about her needing someone to identify with rather than about me. I thought I was calling because I needed to because of the grody flashback. Instead, I ended up listening to her physical woes, and since I share some of them with her, I could sympathize, and empathize, and she KNEW I knew what it was like, and was comforted.

I kind of wish I could've been comforted, too, but I am glad I could be there for her and make a difference. Then I kind of got lost in the past again.

I really was lost in the past - the present completely vanished for me if it wasn't forcing itself on me, in the form of phone calls from S2, D2 and then D1, and D3 knocking on the door to ask me something. I really kind of lost it when D3 asked - I didn't have enough brain and wasn't present enough to answer coherently, and I kept repeating over and over 'I can only do what I can do,' to her. It felt really bad. What could I do? I could barely see the room I was in (am in now, too), because of feelings, sensory echoes from the past.

TH was a complete a**hole about it all. So, who is surprized? I surprized myself, though, by being more able to cope with him and telling him to go away calmly, making it stick without screaming at him. I told him repeatedly, three times at least, that I was lost in the past, couldn't cope with his stuff, needed not to be asked questions, was raw, ... I asked him what he wanted from me - if he could at least figure that out then I could either give it to him or tell him it's not here and at least it would be taken care of. Since his attention-getting behaviours mostly revolve around asking me to answer questions he already knows the answer to, or trying to 'help' me by pushing me with things I either can't handle or am not physically able to do, it is a minor miracle that he and I still live in the same house and no homicide has been committed.

D3 and I were supposed to go grocery shopping, but by the time I was present enough to even think about it it was terribly late. The stores, or at least one store, are open late tonight because tomorrow night is the chag - the holiday of Shavuot.

That's the one commemorating the second time we got the ten commandments, the tablets of the law, and got to keep them. I wish I could write it better, or tell more or make it more interesting, but there it is.

After the sin of the golden calf, when Moses smashed the tablets of the law, he went back up the mountain. There he had to cut the new tablets himself (Hashem had cut them the first time). When he brought these down the mountain, not only was there no golden calf, but presumably he had more of a respect for the tablets. At least, he didn't smash them again. *wry grin*

Not how they teach it in Sunday school, I expect.

So, in Israel it is a tradition to eat dairy foods, and since it is a holiday, that means cheesecake. I have a wonderful recipe left from a grandmother (that would be Lloyd's mother) that I am hoping D3 will make with me, or even by herself if I am a basket case after all the errands we now have to do tomorrow. Because we didn't go shopping tonight.

I also didn't get a bath. I'm ashamed to admit it, and glad that no one can smell me through the computer/internet. It is really desperate, but no way I could get a bath in the shape I was in, and with TH acting the way he was. I wish I could take a bath by myself. Not that I would have that much more time for them,b ut at least I wouldn't be dependent on my husband when he is being a COMPLETE d*ckhead.

Kitten is asleep on me, and Chamudah is asleep at the foot of my bed. Balta is out getting some exercise, Peppito is sleeping with TH, and Samantha is with S1, of course. Tomorrow night we will also have D2 here. She can sleep in S2's room, as he is stuck on base for the chag. Sadness. Well, not sadness that D2 has a bedroom to sleep in.

TH contacted an organization that has as it's main goal to help Jews to live in Israel. I think that's a fine goal myself. He is asking for support so he can get certified as an electrician, and also for help in buying a home. Who knows if anything will come of it, but this is a land of miracles. I think we deserve one or two. More. ;-) It's not like I can complain that we haven't had our share, really.

Oh, I got the most obnoxious email from the mother of S1's not-to-be-girlfriend. She is not to go out to the beach with me - EVER. I might, I don't know, infect her with something? I am clueless and can't care. I wrote back saying I was sorry to hear that, and sorry she (the mother) wasn't feeling well, and hoping generally that we might get together again (sometime when hell freezes over). It will probably be sooner (than when hell freezes over), but at the moment I am not in charity with her.

And, else? I don't know. I've got nothing right now. So, I should get some sleep. Goodnight.

I'm listening to The Percy Faith Orchestra: Theme from A Summer Place

0 bleats so far

:: Yesterdays : Tomorrows ::

~~~Last Five Entries~~~
Hi and goodbye - 2010-10-15
I'll be moving on - 2010-10-10
Gold membership and stuff - 2010-10-10
Decisions, decisions - 2010-10-07
Days to go - 2010-10-06