I'm grateful for: Kitten; having a higher power to take care of the things I can't; having the 'good' husband back. I think...

Well, that was anti-climactic. *sigh* What happened? I don't even have words.

When I wrote that I was leaving my husband, I wrote in all seriousness. I literally stayed awake all night, praying, and thinking, ... and crying. When I reached the decision that I could no longer live with him, my first, next, decision was not to say anything until after the holiday/shabbos weekend. I didn't want to ruin it for the kids. Yes, there would be tension, and me crying, and all of that stuff, but they've been through that before. Not fun, but livable.

Talking with D2, it slipped out - as part of a completely other conversation. Not terrible, she's a grown-up, and I did apologize for saying anything about it to her, but then, is it not better to know?

So that's the condition I was in when I finally dropped to sleep (maybe 'passed out') for a few hours. I woke up to hear TH reading aloud to S3. No big deal except there is a long standing thing about reading S3's bedtime story in my room where I can listen and be a part of it. It's completely bullshit to say he didn't want to disturb my sleep (which he didn't say, just for the record) because I knew perfectly well he hadn't even checked on me. That's what he does.

Or rather, doesn't do.

Anyway, I was livid - it was just the last straw and I marched to his room and announced to him right there that I was moving out. He sobbed and he cried and he protested and he claimed that he had no idea, and this, and that...

He also got in several digs, like about how he'd been in SO much pain all day, and 'it wasn't a test but, he couldn't help noticing that no one had even ASKED...' Which, btw, is a total lie, because besides myself once, I know that D2 checked on him at least twice and S1 once. Poor, whiny, baby - lying baby boy!

Which is neither here nor there I suppose, but once I'd made a big (loud) production about how I couldn't live with him, then the only right thing I could do was to talk to the various offspring, giving hugs, reassurance, as much love as I possibly could, and being as honest with them as I could be. Pretty much a done deal you think? I thought so.

I brainstormed a bit with the older children about options, what I could do, where I could go, what was affordable, what was possible. Toyed with the idea for quite some time that maybe D2 and I could find an apartment that she could get to work from, but that somehow we could afford together. I took myself off to bed finally because the offspring weren't going to go to bed as long as I sat up. I do love their expressing their solidarity with me, but sometimes they need to be maybe a bit more selfish of their own needs? But I suppose, knowing that their ima (which means mother) is all right is also a need. *sigh*

In bed I tossed and turned, and cried, and prayed, and thought. And didn't sleep again. This was about the time I wrote my last entry as well. And prayed some more and cried some more and thought some more. By around 5am I was pretty clear that I needed to try and talk to TH BEFORE he could do anything to piss me off. Because once he did that, there was no hope of sane or reasonable conversation. And one thing the night's counsel had brought was the knowledge that I had to find out if TH was going to be an asshole about this, how much money I might reasonably expect to get from him, and so on. Nothing solid or concrete, no exact numbers, you know, but I really needed to find out if he was going to (as he had offered once) 'do anything possible to make it work for me' (if I left him) - or was divorce going to bring out the absolute worst.

It was more about feeling out where he stood than an actual conversation. Oh, but it was ugly. As soon as he was up, I got up (since I hadn't slept anyway), and asked if we could have a serious conversation. He said yes, and we sat in the salon and I tried to talk to him. Actually, what I was trying to do was have a conversation with him, you know, give-and-take? But instead I was talking at him. I asked him if he had anything to say and he said nothing. I asked him if I should just shut up. I pointed out that we didn't have to have this conversation (we could have lawyers have it for us). When I say he said nothing, I mean he communicated nothing. He sat there, with his eyes half closed, no facial expression (except perhaps of drifting off lightly), no sighs, no moans, no tense motions, nothing. If only he could do that while playing poker...

It was pointless, and of course it pissed me off as well. No matter what happened, he was GOING to have to talk to me/communicate with me at some point. Why play these games? There are no answers for what goes on in TH's head, I'll tell you that.

I went back to my room and tried to sleep. This is shabbos, now, after the entire holiday was blown to s**t. Nothing was cooked, nothing was celebrated, nothing was read, nothing was learned. No prayers were shared, nothing. Nothing was cooked for shabbos, either. The kids managed to eat - it's not that hard around here, since we try to keep a full stock of fresh fruit and vegetables in the house at the very least. It was a hot sunny day, and S3 had friends to play with, so the only requirement for him was to remind him to drink water frequently and twice to suggest he get something to eat.

I didn't sleep. So I lay in bed and prayed and thought and cried and prayed some more. I couldn't make plans, and if there is a worse time to decide to change your whole life than the first day of a two day yomtov (holiday) I don't know what it might be. If at least I'd managed some kind of communication with TH I could have made some general sorts of plans at least, but as it was, all I could do is wait for the day to be over so I could start doing what I *could* do.

Finally, mid-afternoon, I am frustrated and fed up and I ask Hashem - whatever it is you want me to do, whatever it is you want me to say, just let's do it, please! I couldn't take it anymore. My head was not a good place to be, and I just had no way out of it. I had tried reading, both books and on the computer, puzzles, and other sorts of things. Nothing doing.

I just waited to see what would happen (you'd be amazed, really, how this works) and I got out of bed and I wandered around the house a bit. I went here and there a little bit. I stood in doorways and leaned on door posts. I located where everyone was in the house, including TH. And somewhere along the line I found myself talking to him. I don't even know if I went to his room or what? But then I was in his room and pointing out to him that whatever was going to happen, he was going to have to talk to me. That there was no way out of it.

He started crying and telling me he didn't want this and he didn't want that. And I was like, heard this before, could record it and play it back without you in the room. He told me this whole sob story about being five and six and eight and having no one and how I was the only person in the whole world who could hurt him. Ho-hum.

Lest anyone think I am insensitive, I am only insensitive after - how many repetitions? - and how many years of physical, emotional and mental abuse? It's like, why are you even bothering.

Tthen something happened. He started talking. Not about us and how a break-up might go - or even how we might prevent a break-up. It ranged over an incredibly large number of subjects and what we talked about is for the most part insignificant. What was different was that he was actually talking to me, really. A little bit, anyway.

As I'm writing this, I wonder how do I know I haven't been had? Except I know that this is right. At least for today. Now he's back to being the 'good' husband. Telling me he loves me, being affectionate and not just for show in front of others. I do know exactly what it is worth. That much of a fryar (fool, someone easily taken advantage of) I am not.

What else I know is that I am seeing more of the 'good' husband than I ever did before, and the 'good' husband is much better than it used to be. The awful times of him being a shit are shorter, and for the most part less shitty (barring this last, really special, episode).

So, for today, I am not moving out. The marriage continues largely as it has been, (hopefully) moving in a good direction. *sigh*

I made a decision, years ago, that I was better off trying to improve this relationship than leaving and starting over in a new one - as long as there were signs that it was actually changing and improving somehow. Without signs of progress, I wouldn't still be here. And there has been actual progress. Besides the complete cessation of the physical abuse, there has been such a diminution (lessening) of the mental and emotional shit that sometimes you'd think we were a happy married couple.

It hasn't come without a price. I doubt if I love him, or could love him again. He'd have to change a WHOLE Lot more before that would be possible. Our home is at times a constant battle ground - while at others it merely reduces to random sniping.

The children haven't missed what is going on. I don't really know how they feel about it -. I know that they are relieved that we have stayed together even while they hate some of the effects of having us living together. For better of for worse this is their home, and they'd rather not lose another one.

Which brings me to the thing that is most on my mind just now. The big losers in this last round of battle are the children. No, duh! But I mean, really, there have been plenty of times in the past when their world was threatened, I've left, I've kicked TH out, we've fought, threatened, and damn near killed each other. And this was the first time I really, truly believed that it was over, really over. I was serious about moving out, making a different life, letting go of everything here.

That isn't entirely an unpleasant thought. While I would lose a lot, I would also gain a lot.

But for the kids, they had to go through at least 24 hours of the stress, fear, worries, anger, sadness, and more fear and for what? TH threw another temper-tantrum, and only this time it was bad enough to divorce him, only I'm not.

As long as I live with TH - as long as I have lived with TH - this is the way it is/was/will be. The bad parts grow less bad, and last less long, the good parts last longer and are better, but I can be pretty sure that TH WILL find a way to drive me to walking out on him again. If he and Hashem will again find a way to hold the thing together I cannot predict. But as long as I live with him, this is the thing.

I said to him tonight, as long as you know that I am serious, that I really will leave, then why do you have to let it get that bad. Why can you not take it seriously and fix whatever it is BEFORE I've delivered the ultimatum/walked out/scared the children? It goes there every time, and every time (so far) when it gets there, he snaps back from whatever hell he's wandered into.

My question is - oughtn't I to leave him, just so the children won't have to go through this again? How can it be fair to them to live with this kind of insanity?

I don't have any answers, yet. So far, what I do is I leave if up to Hashem. I'm not saying I don't really try to figure out what I think is best, but the truth is, between tearing their home apart; and living with the chronic (but occasional) threats of losing their home and dealing with the ugly fights - not directly, but they do live in the same house - how can I know which one would be better? Or more accurately, less bad? I don't.

So, for today (as I've said), I am not moving out. The kids have weathered another storm. Tomorrow I will take the time to talk to each of the younger ones and S1, to give them a chance to say what they might need to say, to reassure them as much as I can. And to ask their opinions. Well, maybe not S3's opinion, but certainly D3 and S1. What do they think is better for them? It's not entirely a fair question because they only know the one option - the other one is at best an educated guess of what it might be like. Still, their opinions and input matter. It's my decision, still, always, but it doesn't hurt to listen to them and hear what they have to say. My kids are pretty smart after all.

What with all that drama I really haven't what else to write about. S2 has weathered his first tiranut (basic training) and is waiting to start his Hebrew ulpan. He got a lot of good stuff from his mefakedet (like a drill sargeant, but rank equivalent to a corporal) telling him he was the best in the unit, and he made them look good and all this other ego boo. He didn't hear a whisper of what went on here yet, which I think is all for the good. He's got enough on his plate. I can't wait to see him next weekend.

Kitten is simply adorable. Peppito is still among the living. He is so very sweet, and he does try so hard. Poor puppy. His life is one day at a time, like my marriage, I guess. I *really* hope Hashem finds him a kind soul to take him in, though. We're not built for this.

We're all healthy, the weather has been pretty good (not TOO hot during the day). My mother is visiting RS, so I have no phone contact from her for now. And, that's all she wrote.

I'm listening to Dj Rhythm Presents Soul Theory: Drama. From the Queer as Folk final season. It came up on random shuffle and is definitely the theme song for today.

:: Yesterdays : Tomorrows ::

~~~Last Five Entries~~~
Hi and goodbye - 2010-10-15
I'll be moving on - 2010-10-10
Gold membership and stuff - 2010-10-10
Decisions, decisions - 2010-10-07
Days to go - 2010-10-06