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Honey is Sweet

"I screwed up" - 2009-06-20

I'm grateful for: my family safe, home, and quiet; time for my own thoughts, even if I only get it in the wee, small hours of the night; bountiful blessings, particularly when I can't really feel them all.

I don't even know how to start. Is it something wrong with me?

BZ, the horrible woman I have written about, not in sufficient detail or clarity, I am sure, showed up at her younger son's gan (like kindergarten), and took him. She had no right to, her ex-husband has custody of both boys, and she has reasonable visitation - two days a week plus every other shabbos. Okay, reasonable visitation by some standards, clearly not hers...

She and her younger son, Moshe, vanished. For two days no one had any idea where they were. The timing is a bit suspicious because ex-husband got re-married on Wednesday, but all efforts were made to keep the wedding a secret from her, and as far as I am aware, BZ had no notion of it. At least, she didn't mention it, and she did give me an earful...

TH, who was invited to the wedding, was asked by ex-husband to stop by BZ's house and see if Moshe was there. Awkward for TH as he told BZ in the past that he could have absolutely nothing to do with her. Still, he went by, and she wasn't there, but some people who were doing work for her were, and they said she hadn't been seen, and no one knew where Moshe was.

Now, I'm going to try to avoid being judgmental and making comments about what other people do (except BZ, a bit), but I do wonder what ex-husband was about that he didn't phone the police and report Moshe kidnapped as soon as it was clear what was up...

Anyway, that was Wednesday, and today we were coming home from picking up S2 and buying a stove (which we are now waiting for, sometime next week they said), and I suggested we should see if BZ was at home, and if not were the people who had been helping her still there, and if so we should invite them over for shabbos. Did anyone follow that? The concern was that if there were people who had volunteered to help, then they shouldn't be left entirely to fend for themselves on shabbos.

BZ's car was not in evidence, and so the only possible assumption was that BZ was not home. There is no public transport, and BZ has made herself so obnoxious to everyone on the moshav that she certainly hadn't gotten a ride...

TH went up to the house and ran smack into BZ. I don't know what passed between them. BZ told me one version, TH told me another, and they are both quite reality challenged. Whatever happened, TH came back to the car quite quickly and off we drove home.

Now comes the fun part. About an hour later, BZ phoned me. I don't know why she phoned me, except she seems to think I'm one of the fryers (suckers) she has in her pocket. She started out by telling me her version of the words that passed between TH and herself. Then she informed me that she'd had to leave her home and was now homeless as a result of TH seeing her at the house. She also talked about how Moshe had 'vanished.' She used the word several times, always in a distant and passive way. Moshe had 'vanished' again, now, because of TH showing up at her house (according to her).

She said she was asking me to do her a favour, would I act as a go-between and tell TH things that he should then pass on to ex-husband, because ex-husband (according to her) treated her very badly and refused to respect her value to her children as their mother, and so on and so forth. It went on for quite a while, maybe forty-five minutes. I kind of zoned out for a big chunk in the middle as she was just repeating herself, and her crazy justifications, and explaining her view of how things were in her life, how everyone is unfair to her and no one likes her despite how very wonderful she is to everyone and how hard she tried and how ex-husband has so much power he swayed the beit din and the social worker to believe all kinds of lies about her being a bad mother, and even though she'd convinced the social worker that she is not a bad mother, no one would change anything because ex-husband had them all snowed -- and so forth and so on.

I finally agreed to one very specific request, I agreed to tell TH and BZ wanted him to tell ex-husband that she just wants to be treated with respect and have her importance as the mother acknowledged. I agreed for no reason I know of, other than it seemed harmless, and she does tend to become entirely despondent if anyone says no to her about anything at all. I repeated back to her my understanding of the message she wanted to conveyed, to make sure that both of us were clear both on what I was saying, and on the fact that I was only conveying one precise and limited message, NOT getting in the middle beyond that one thing.

And the floodgates opened. I can't even begin to say all the things she said. Complete raving lunacy dripped from every word. For the first time in the conversation she said (admitted) that she had taken Moshe. And she stated, quite clearly, that she was 'not going to return him, ever' unless her demands were met. As her demands are joint custody AT LEAST, this is NOT going to happen.

Once she had said she wasn't going to return Moshe I sat up and started taking a much more active part in the conversation. I know I've said the woman was raving, but I simply cannot convey how accurate the word is. If we were face to face I wouldn't have been surprized to see her frothing at the mouth.

I can't say more than that I was (and am) genuinely worried for Moshe. I don't really believe that BZ would cause any harm to Moshe - intentionally. I don't really believe BZ is 'homeless' as she claims, but most likely taking refuge either with one of the many people she has managed to convince of how horrible and abusive ex-husband is/was, or else at some battered women's shelter that would take her on her word. She's done the battered-women's shelter route before, and at least one shelter in Be'er Sheva is closed to her now.

Just in case anyone doesn't know me or has doubts, I have the greatest concern for any victims of domestic violence. As these people have been on the moshav since before we moved here, and we have been intimately (willy-nilly) involved in their domestic affairs since not long after we came here, I think I can safely say that if there is any battering going on, it is most likely BZ on ex-husband. I don't believe in that, either, though. Whatever abuse there may be/have been, and I am not passing judgment on that, BZ is NOT a battered woman/wife. Neither do the boys show any sign of physical abuse besides neglect - being locked out of their home for hours, left alone for hours, without food, from when we moved here - they were I think three and four at the time. MAYBE they were three and five or four and five.

Anyway, the long and short of it is that I tried to find out what BZ's plans were. I didn't ask where she was going and told her I didn't want her to tell me where she was going. I told her repeatedly I was worried, and as she'd said she was homeless now, I wanted to know did she have enough food? water? money? bedding? I really don't know what this crazy woman is capable of. I do know she is crazy enough to convince herself that she is desperate and has no choice but to take some desperate action. She told me that she knows that, having taken Moshe like this, she can't bring him back without serious consequences. Since she followed that up by saying this was why she needed to get concessions from ex-husband, I am not sure how aware she is of the magnitude of what she's done.

Ex-husband did (at my pleading, through TH) go to the police and report that she had taken Moshe, and had said she wouldn't return him. TH gave me a message from ex-husband that ex-husband would 'sign the paper.' I have no idea what the significance of this is, presumably BZ knows and it is part of some previous negotiation...

BZ phoned me back not long before shabbos to say that that did her no good, because he (I think 'he' means ex-husband, I didn't ask) meant that he would sign a paper AFTER she came back with Moshe, and that she wasn't going to trade a child for a promise. Her words. It scares me. I tried to reflect back to her -- "So you want me to say to [ex-husband]..." but BZ hung up on me.

I've been nervy all of shabbos so far. How do I get into these situations? I can't stop feeling like I must've done something wrong, or that there is something wrong with me. I am wondering if I did something wrong in talking to her, or - what? How did I get into this, and is there any way out?

I am really, truly worried sick about Moshe, but there is absolutely nothing I can do for him. I think. I am maintaining the avenue of communication with BZ only because just maybe by keeping a line open it will help find them, or help to create the situation where-by she might be induced to bring him back, but I don't really believe it will. It's just that I can't see cutting her off just now (refusing to talk to her, or refusing to participate in this) being the right thing to do. I really hope the police are actively involved and are looking for them. I wish there was someone who knew about these sorts of things to advize me.

Maybe I'm all wrong and I should just tell BZ I won't have anything to do with this. Could I be making things worse? I'm scared, and I don't know, and I don't want to be a part of this. I've been a part of too many other people's craziness for too long. I want to step out of it and just focus on my family and coping with our problems - relatively small they may be, but there are more than enough for this cripple.

If anyone has any insights, I'd really love to hear them.

***

We have a full house for shabbos, D2 and S2 came down, and everyone is here. We watched Good Advice for shabbos-movie, even though I'd already picked one out. D2, who hadn't been planning on coming down until the last minute, announced with half-an-hour to shabbos that she couldn't bear it. Well, Good Advice was fun, even if it didn't distract me very well.

We had a nice evening, other than the whole stressing over BZ and Moshe thing. D2 and I talked a bit about feeling rotten and always second-guessing yourself, and she said that her type (don't ask me, I don't remember, INFP maybe?) had that as a significant personality trait. I said that mine, whatever it was (I can't remember, don't care enough) didn't have that as a characteristic. Then she said that of the types of occupations listed as good for her type, she has done or is involved in four of them. Shrug. For what that's worth.

So then we got the book out (we have two of them, but we find one of them to be quite helpful, and the other not-at-all) and re-determined my 'type' - no, I really don't remember, it had an 'I' and an 'N' in it though. And she went down the list of occupations that are good for my 'type,' and I just couldn't see it. Then I went through it again, and realized that the problem wasn't I couldn't see myself getting satisfaction out of the jobs (one was 'musician') but for the vast majority of them, I either don't know how or can't do them. So what good does it do that I might get a lot of satisfaction out of being a musician if I can't do it?

I pretty clearly don't have the 'gift' or 'talent,' it's not like I haven't spent a great deal of my life playing (or trying to play) instruments, piano, guitar, recorder, flute, drums, ... I love to sing, I surround myself with music as much as I can - there's a reason I have over 80gb of music on my computer, that I actually listen to, an entire bookcase of music cd's, and I still have boxes of audio tapes I am working on converting so I can still listen to them, and even lp's and a turn-table. I love to sing, but my voice! Well, it's just as well you can't hear it. It's pretty dreadful. I can hold a tune well enough, but, well, I've hear my voice recorded. It sounds well enough in my head, but ... Yeah.

So, there's a whole lot of jobs I could theoretically get satisfaction from that I can't do. There's several - like religious counselor - well it's just ... no. Psychoanalyst? I don't think so. So if there is some job or occupation or career that Hashem has in mind for me, it doesn't seem likely it's on that list.

Whatever.

I think I'm not having a good day.

And I still have this freaking cold. It will never end.

I'm listening to the movie Hero with Dustin Hoffman. One of my all-time favourite movies.

0 bleats so far

:: Yesterdays : Tomorrows ::

~~~Last Five Entries~~~
Hi and goodbye - 2010-10-15
I'll be moving on - 2010-10-10
Gold membership and stuff - 2010-10-10
Decisions, decisions - 2010-10-07
Days to go - 2010-10-06