I'm grateful for: dogs and Kitten who all love me; wonderful new organic sheets; not having to eat picnic style for every meal - an advantage of being home.

I've had this blank page up for a full day, and nothing written. What to say? I'm crying a lot. I feel fragile inside. I know I'm not mourning Lloyd, there's nothing there, but I wonder if there is some sort of connection anyway. S2 phoned night-before-last terribly upset and feeling almost totally hopeless, and I ended up immobilized, unable to cope with anything. I know that S2 is like this, and if I'd thought about it I might have predicted this would happen (he phoned last night and while not 'all better' was in much better skin).

I don't think I'm a wreck because of S2's misery, which he seems to descend into very easily, only to bounce back up again the next day as if nothing had happened. I don't think I'm a mess because of Lloyd. But I definitely am pretty well flattened.

As I'm typing I wonder if it's just the more usual M.S. malaise, taking on a different shape because of different circumstances. I am used, too used, to going from relatively functional to completely non-functional. Each time I do this I have to go through the mourning process, as I lose not only the ability to function, but also the hope that *this time* I would somehow really be better and become - somehow - not disabled. Or even less disabled.

It looks different this time because I had a different experience of functioning. I travelled by myself to the U.S., and took care of all kinds of stuff, unburdened by TH or children, and also without any help from my family. I managed to take care of myself, and help RS, and get through any number of adventures. I helped D1 and played with my grandchildren and all sorts of things. Then I came home and, for the first few days was still able to function better than usual, in part because my mental direction was slightly changed.

Now, the body is crashed, and my mood is gone with it. I don't want to have to bolster anyone else's feelings, I don't want to hear anyone else's problems, I don't want to solve anyone else's problems.

So, yeah, I'm crippled again. *Sigh* Not that I ever stopped being, but somehow I forget that. I have no idea how that is even still possible after all these years, but there it is. I suppose I should be grateful that I had such a good run, since I not only managed to get through the trip, but also what is it, almost two weeks back home? before it all went to shit.

Ah, well.

At least I am having an air conditioner installed in my room. Someday. (It's supposed to be today, but I'll believe that when I see it). It really feels much worse in the heat when you are staring at an air conditioner in a box.

I've lost the thread. I am hoping to get more photos up on my fotolog, and maybe even a video or two posted later today. Depends on a lot of things, the heat, shopping, but I am hoping.

I'm listening to Demolition Man, just because.

:: Yesterdays : Tomorrows ::

~~~Last Five Entries~~~
Hi and goodbye - 2010-10-15
I'll be moving on - 2010-10-10
Gold membership and stuff - 2010-10-10
Decisions, decisions - 2010-10-07
Days to go - 2010-10-06