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Honey is Sweet

Spewing out the shmootz in my head - 2009-08-22

I'm grateful for: d'land, without which I would have much less sanity; the good neighbours on the moshav, the likes of which I've never had before; the crazy neighbour, who made it possible for TH to yell at somebody loud and long. I feel sure he needed it. ;-)

I'm raw and hurting between the ears, and I don't know why. I had some dreams of trying to accomplish something and always being cut off at the knees. Then, when I finally did accomplish something, I couldn't get anyone to notice, to acknowledge it, to pay attention. Then I woke up. Feeling weirdly disoriented, and as if the dream I'd just woken up from wasn't a bad dream - I guess because I had actually accomplished something. All strange and twisted up inside.

TH had a big fight with the evil neighbour BZ at the playground outside the shul today. I wasn't there for it, but S3 and TH told me about it. She is an incredibly broken, insane person. I don't know how she's managed to get this far in life without someone wanting to lock her up, honestly. I am not over-stating the case. A nutjob.

I don't want to be locking myself in my room away from my family, but, I need to not be pushing myself to do what I feel to fragile to do (cope with the noise and fuss of four children, three dogs and two cats - and the husband). I'm taking some of my own advice and praying for help and for guidance. So far, it has me here, and d'land isn't the worst place to be when feeling fragile. That's quite a blessing, that is.

There is something that I want that I think I am not getting, only I don't know what it is. I don't *think* I have a grody-flashback coming up. That is the only thing I can think of to explain the feelings. It could be hormonal, I suppose. Since I don't bleed any more I have no idea when my cycle starts or where I am at in it. I don't miss the endless bleeding, or course, but it was a handy marker for the hormones.

It came up last night, I don't know why, that a good friend is someone you can laugh with and cry with. Or maybe it was a true friend? I don't remember, don't remember the context at all, but anyway, it hit me that the only person in my life who fits that description right now is TH. It's a funny old world, isn't it? And I was all set to end it not too long ago.

I'm still not entirely sure we're good, I don't trust the new husband, and have absolutely no faith that he won't revert to the old husband at any time and without warning. *Especially* when I need him. Still, I can live with this for today.

Bad feelings between RS and I abound, and it's even worse that she has no clue. The best thing that we can do here ('we' being the immediate family: me, TH, my kids here) is to try to get things set so it doesn't come to a head. I've tried to talk to her about it, but she is too well defended against hearing anything on the subject. I can't and won't live with her is the bottom line. There are places I simply won't allow her insanity to penetrate.

I had deluded myself that her insanity was much less than it was until I went back to the U.S. and spent over a week with her. She hasn't changed, it was my self-delusion that created all kinds of hope for new and better things. Nope, it's the same-old-same-old, only with any luck we'll be doing it on the same side of the ocean soon. I do want her here, want us to be close to each other. I can't have her in my home.

TH is talking to a neighbour about fixing up an apartment for her to live in, right across the street. That is quite close and close enough. I hope it doesn't end up causing bad blood with the neighbour, but that's for another time. Must deal with the immediate problem, that of keeping RS out of my home. Whee, fun! One advantage: my house has six steps, and they are *not* good steps at all, they are crumbling, steep and scary. So RS should be only too happy to move into a small apartment on the ground level. :-)

The only other thing is bad pain. I am dealing with really bad pain again. I've been doing quite well, doing stuff, keeping busy, using every last bit of energy my M.S. allows me. It's been fun being productive. Maybe I'll be able to do some more next week (anything is possible). Today, though, I am sitting in a puddle of pain. It sucks. *sigh*

Okay, I seem to be doing a bit better between the ears. I am so glad to have this place and the ability to spew whatever out here, so that I don't have to keep it in my head. Now I must open my door and spend some happy times with my offspring. Are there enough ways to say how I love having kids of all ages, and spending time with them? I doubt it. :-)

I'm listening to the shape of my thoughts. Weird.

0 bleats so far

:: Yesterdays : Tomorrows ::

~~~Last Five Entries~~~
Hi and goodbye - 2010-10-15
I'll be moving on - 2010-10-10
Gold membership and stuff - 2010-10-10
Decisions, decisions - 2010-10-07
Days to go - 2010-10-06