I'm grateful for: a better marriage; having had waterfowl, and llamas; a real attic; a way less stressful week; making progress; so many things I can't list them all.

I'm having a wonderful life here, and it sucks really bad, too. And, yes, I know that's bad English.

When I started keeping a d'land diary - yes, I know i keep harping back to that, it seems to be where I'm at - that was also true. I had a wonderful life, and it sucked big time, too. It didn't *feel* like a wonderful life. I was just miserable, all the time. There were some good and concrete reasons for that, but the truth is that looking back I don't really remember the bad stuff. I just miss all the good things, and regret every second I didn't spend enjoying and appreciating them.

My life definitely doesn't suck as much in some ways - I no longer have an abused/abuser relationship with TH, or, if I do, I'm not the victim anymore. Not so much, anyway. He can still be a dickhead, but when it comes down to it, who can't, sometimes?

My life is way harder and less wonderful in some other ways. I remember having enough money for all the necessities, rather than having to pick and chose who gets what when. I remember my beautiful home on top of a hill, with a farm we had built from a barren hilltop, full of animals I loved. I will never get over my geese and ducks and turkeys. Or the goats and llamas. Don't miss the rabbits. You can have the rabbits. I miss shearing sheep. I miss green, and rain in the summer, and snow, and clean, crisp, cold winter air.

On balance, is my life better or worse, I can't say. I can say with no reservation however that I am so much happier. I am a happy person. Mostly.

This week was hard. Last week was hard. The whole summer was hard. The last five years have been, hard, except when it got beyond hard and I couldn't cope at all. I have loads of things to feel bad about if I choose to. I don't choose to.

I didn't used to have that choice. I got it that the problem was my attitude, that my life wasn't in and of itself the problem. Knowing that in my head didn't make it possible for me to change how I felt. I couldn't stop thinking about all the things that I hated in my life, to such an extent that I rarely appreciated many of the good things.

I always managed to appreciate the waterfowl, *grin* when I could get out to them... Da*n, I really did love those birds. I wonder if Hashem has any waterfowl waiting for me in my future. And if He does, will I be able to enjoy them as much when I don't get to see them waddling through the snow and digging for slugs at the base of apple trees? *sigh*

Well, so today is the end of one of those 'hard' days. It's a day when I could really get into a rant about D2, and fress about S2, and worry about D3 and S3 and S1 and be really pissed off at the situation with RS and D1 and Mike and the day started off exactly on the wrong foot with a visit from a social worker who came due to an anonymous call to the moetzah that we were neglecting and abusing our kids. I'm in really miserable pain from my heat rash, my right arm is so bad it acts as if it were broken, truly. I'm hungry, no matter how much I ate today I didn't feel full, satisfied. I used to get like this when I wasn't digesting my food, but that doesn't seem to be a problem today.

And so forth and so on. But more and more, at the end of the day, regardless of what happened during the day, I am really okay, happy even, with my life. That's cool.

So now what do I write? It's not as if interesting things aren't happening, I just keep forgetting them.

S2's sargeant has been charged with - drat! I can't remember what it's called. Being sexually inappropriate with the soldiers in his command. For a second there I almost thought of the words, but it slipped away.

They were all in the gas chamber, it you've watched army training movies you've undoubtedly an idea what I'm talking about. They walk in wearing gas masks, then have to take the gas masks off and count, or answer questions, or whatnot. So the sargeant asked S2 what his favourite position is. S2 just sort of gasped, unable to take in that he was being asked this question, and the sargeant asked him if he likes it 'doggie-style.' In Hebrew, that's what it's called, the words translate to 'doggie-style' literally. Which apparently made it hard for S2 not to laugh, not a good thing in the gas chamber.

This might just have been a funny story, but apparently the sargeant asked the same questions of female soldiers. ... S2 is sorry to be losing someone he thought of as a good sargeant, but perhaps not sorry to lose someone stupid enough to do something like that. The sargeant was immediately snatched into custody, so for the moment S2's group is sargeant-less. We are praying for him to get a good sargeant, and any prayers and good thoughts are appreciated.

TH has already made huge progress in making a room for RS to live in when she gets here. She'll be living in the bayit katan, the small house, in the front room with a curtain wall (not made from curtains, a non-load-bearing wall) and door for privacy. If you can call it that. RS has never been really big on privacy, hers or anyone else's, as she tends to just ooze out of and into whatever spaces she find convenient.

Presumably the day that she arrives here is getting closer, but we have no way of knowing as she has made no actual travel plans. It is certainly an adventure dealing with the sort of colourful people that seem to inhabit my life... In truth, the longer it takes her, the better for us in terms of being able to prepare, and also hopefully our chagim (holidays) will be less expensive without her. *wry smile* I do want her to come to Israel. I just don't want her living in my house!

I guess that's all I can manage in terms of being even vaguely coherent. So much is happening, so little time to record any of it. Have I mentioned, I love my life? Kitten. And Samantha. And homeschooling friends and homemade yellow cake with goat's milk. Yum.

I'm listening to Crystal Gayle: Why Have You Left The One You Left Me For

:: Yesterdays : Tomorrows ::

~~~Last Five Entries~~~
Hi and goodbye - 2010-10-15
I'll be moving on - 2010-10-10
Gold membership and stuff - 2010-10-10
Decisions, decisions - 2010-10-07
Days to go - 2010-10-06