I'm grateful for: Irony, where would we be without it; children who change my bedding and clean my room for me when necessary; ribs for supper tonight - Hashem willing.

I'm not so 'up' as I was - a bad night, I just could not get to sleep. I finally crashed some time between six and seven in the morning. Then TH came in around nine, we had to leave to pick up S2, only there was no way I could make it.

I am struggling with D2 casting doubts on our homeschooling - despite the fact that she has no complaints about her *own* education, she is 'worried' about the kids here. S1 wants me to pull a rabbit out of a hat, only somewhat bigger, he wants a genuine, larger than life, expect no substitutes, miracle. He wants me to somehow manage to talk to either the love of his life, or her foster-mother, and somehow convince her/them that his love should stay here with him when the rest of her family moves back to the U.S. this month. I'm not saying I can't do it, but it would take one heck of a big miracle - I can't do it alone.

I'm feeling doubts about myself, feeling inadequate, questioning myself as a mother, trying to push things and make things happen solely because I'm worried that what I do and the way things are isn't good enough.

So what I'm working on is trusting that Hashem is in charge. That everything is the way it need to be right now. The beauty of this is that it works. The problem is that it's a lot of hard, hard work, the hard work of having to sit still in my skin when things don't 'feel' right. The hard work of not rushing around (confusing motion with progress), trying to 'make' things feel okay by changing my room, my house, my clothes, my life when the problem rests solely between my ears. It is hard.

My life is good. I am a good-enough mother. The homeschooling works, is continuing to work for us as it always has - my kids may not have a standard education, but they are as well or better prepared for life as any of their schooled counterparts I or they have met. My not being able to get up and 'do stuff' isn't a sign of moral turpitude, it's M.S., a fact of my life and soon this too shall pass as it always does.

It's funny, isn't it, how it always goes like this. Two entries ago or so I wrote about this being less about being a diary now, and more about keeping in touch with people, so now two entries that are clearly diary entries and not chatting with buddies. So it goes.

Kurt Vonnegut.

Quite a man.

Yes, well, D3 is in here trying to take my bed apart, so I have to get out of here for now. Laters.

I'm listening to S2 talking about army stuff.

:: Yesterdays : Tomorrows ::

~~~Last Five Entries~~~
Hi and goodbye - 2010-10-15
I'll be moving on - 2010-10-10
Gold membership and stuff - 2010-10-10
Decisions, decisions - 2010-10-07
Days to go - 2010-10-06