I'm grateful for: having my whole family in Israel here for the weekend; American chocolate - TH picked me up some Easter bunnies as emergency supplies; coping better than ever in my life with the grody flashbacks.

Have I been having a day? Shabbos was mostly okay. I didn't sleep last night again, surprize, and S1 woke me about 1pm. I had asked that I not be left to sleep the day again, and he remembered, so that's good.

Not feeling good all day, the body is in a mess. After breakfast TH set up kiddush, which I stayed out of. After that I did a 99 piece jigsaw puzzle with S3, which made him very happy. Then a 500 piece puzzle with D2 and D3, with S2 contributing a bit. That's all there was room for. It was finished quite quickly, a nice picture, but that was about it.

TH read some of The Hobbit aloud, and I finished the second Doonesbury book I'd bought. It was really funny. I had a hard time not reading all the bits aloud to the kids, but they'd all already made it clear they wanted to read the book, it wouldn't have been fair to ruin it for them. I can't remember the name just now, it's the second book of B.D.'s amputation and rehabilitation. The counselling in particular was a hoot in the 'been there, done that' sense.

The rest of the day and evening was just coping. I phoned some friends and talked with RS, LL, FB, and MMF. Flashbacks and real-life pain combined to make it impossible for me to sit still in my skin. Distracting myself by listening to LL's struggles and wisdom (she has a lot, and doesn't really recognize it, I think), FB's fretting - I'm full of good advice and am getting just about perfect at keeping my mouth shut as he doesn't want any of it, he just wants to fret, RS's flaming insanity, with the relief of being able to point out to her some of her incongruities, which she actually appreciates from me. MMF wasn't a distraction - we shared yucky memories, and talked about our critters, and I'm doing much better now, thank you. Grody flashbacks are clearly not done in my life, but they sure cause a WHOLE LOT less distraction than they used to. I can live with that.

I've set myself a bit of a deadline, I've recently passed 800 entries in this diary. I'm promising myself that before I hit 1000 entries I will either have moved to something new, or redone this somewhat unhinged mess. Even if nobody else looks at it but me, *I* am not happy with it. So, now what? I guess I go looking for a new layout, 'cause I'm not really interested in leaving d'land. It still works for me.

One thing I need is either a 'closed' diary that is for private stuff, or to be able to have private entries here. For instance, I really need to write about the latest of grody flashbacks and some of the feelings and thoughts. And grieving stuff, which is still going on about my uncle - LLoyd's death seems to have brought a lot of stuff to the surface, unsurprizingly I suppose. Lloyd was my biological father, but my uncle actually reared me, perp or no.

People seem to understand that people who's parents were their perps can still love their parents. I've gotten so much s**t through the years because I'm not supposed to love my uncle - not related to me, came into my life and bought me for his personal use, how could I love such a man? Clearly I'm misguided, confused, or brainwashed. Maybe it's because none of them had my parents. My 'other' parents, the ones who provided the genetic material and nothing else besides misery. Maybe they just are idiots, or don't want to be distracted from the simple-minded solutions that they think work for them. Maybe I am just giving them too much space in my head. *Sigh*

^THIS, this last paragraph I don't want in my public diary, not because I'm ashamed or worried, but that I don't even want to have to think about what other people will see in it. I've heard too much of that from too many people already, hence so many of them living rent-free in my head. I'm working on that, btw.

This is enough, and more than I'd care to write, but I guess it needed to come out. The weather here is getting almost bearable. Tomorrow is Yom Kippur, and I'm not doing so well on drinking - need to drink more for a few days before the fast to really be prepared for it. I figure if I can drink at least three litres of water tomorrow by sundown I will hopefully be reasonably set, especially if I don't go anywhere.

I'm sad. I miss the only parent I ever had. I'm in pain, and I'm remembering/reliving ugly stuff from decades ago. Besides all of that, my life is good today.

Keeping it upbeat.

I'm listening to Kirsty MacColl: The End of a Perfect Day

:: Yesterdays : Tomorrows ::

~~~Last Five Entries~~~
Hi and goodbye - 2010-10-15
I'll be moving on - 2010-10-10
Gold membership and stuff - 2010-10-10
Decisions, decisions - 2010-10-07
Days to go - 2010-10-06