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Honey is Sweet Playing with words - 2009-10-10 I'm grateful for: a day of rest; the general upward trend of things; a supergold membership? I'm still yearning to make a connection; to express myself; to cross the vast expanse between thee and me... I don't even know why. Poor Robert Zimmerman, I'm glad I'm not him. Not that I'd argue with being cursed with his gift, but there it is. Whatever my own gifts are -- I have no clue. Or maybe I have a clue, but it is in things so undervalued as to be worse than useless - things seen as a detriment rather than a benefit. No matter. I'm looking for words and have none. I'm looking for children of my mind. I swirl my fingers in the air, but, there is no one there to read them. Who am I if I cannot communicate? Where and when did I become so irrelevant? I have children, lovely beautiful children, children of my body, but not of my mind. And what can I do about that, then? I worked so hard to ensure that they *wouldn't* be like me, and now I have no one to talk to. There is poetry in motion, but I can't move. "I'm empty and aching and I don't know why." Who ever said that crips could fly? *** I just paid for a Supergold membership here for a year. I wonder why? I haven't paid for a membership for any reason other than that for some reason the system was cracked, and d'land and paypal weren't talking to each other correctly, at least from where I sat, so that it was bloody impossible. I am still grateful, btw, for life-my-way who paid for a year's gold for me back at the beginning for me back at the beginning of my struggles to try and get one here. Thanks, love! I'm just playing with words here today, I mean besides this chatty middle. I feel so lost, and I don't know if it's the English, or the need to use words at all, or simply a lack of vocabulary. I have a huge need to express -- what? I haven't a clue. I'm working on it. *** I am not feeling sorry for myself, although I know it kind of looks like it. I'm way over-tired and not sleeping enough or well enough. I'm hurting inside, both physically and between the ears. I am enjoying a closer relationship with Hashem as a result, although 'enjoying' might well be the worst placed word ever in that sentence. I am feeling this desperate, frustrated, Ugh! I don't know. I want to be able to reach out and touch, and have the gesture understood by somebody. Almost anybody, I think. Or not. I don't know. I just have this recurring image of my hand reaching out -- only there's nobody and nothing there. I'm covered with bugbites btw. It is hell. For some reason, they have chosen to bite me all over my elbows, and on my wrists and a thumb knuckle. What is with this biting/stinging on joints? Wouldn't the meaty parts be better for the bugs, too? I guess that's enough for now, and the children have invaded. I'm listening to the fan on my air conditioner - it's a noisy one. 0 bleats so far:: Yesterdays : Tomorrows ::
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