I'm grateful for: Kitten, sleeping on my bed; a new deck, and spending time outside without so much effort; surviving this week, may the next one be much, much quieter.

What to write, I am so exhausted. I should be asleep (it's about 11:30), but I just can't give up on reading and writing some stuff on the computer. I'm starting to go into withdrawal - not really but almost.

I've had plenty of people contact this week, but it's all been real contact. I'm desperate for some internet contact. No, what I'm feeling a bit desperate for is a chance to catch up, to rest, to regroup. Sometimes I get that here.

It's been very good. Despite the fact that my right ankle is completely screwed up, I've been flirting with grody flashbacks and I haven't gotten enough sleep. I've been out shopping, sat on the mirpesset/deck (finally built, although far from finished), visiting with people all over. It's been fun and it's been good, mostly.

Meeting/talking with D2 has been strained and stressful. I can't tell if it's me or her or both. I guess it doesn't matter too much. N. is off on a trip to the U.S., and I am not her favourite person in the world right now.

TH went to the dr. for pain in his chest (he thought maybe he'd cracked a rib) and came home with some kind of anti-inflamatory to take. He seems to be okay, now, although also exhausted and short on sleep.

I've got S2 home this weekend, and he wants to spend time with me. I am the person he unloads to/on, he's very up front about it, and he has a lot to unload, I guess. Unfortunately, I'm feeling pretty damn inadequate at the moment, and I need reassurance and support, not to be the dumping place for other people's problems, no matter how much I love them, or how responsible I am for them.

FB and his friend Moshe are also here. I went out to the salon to be friendly and hostess-like, and ended up feeling like - I don't know. I talked too much (maybe not, but it felt like it), and I just didn't like how I was being and ...

Ah, this is all crap, you know? Because I'm too tired to make sense, and for all I know half or more of my feeling of being not-good-enough is simply due to needing to sleep. And D2 will be resolved or not, I can't fix that, not now. Whether or not I was a good enough ima/mom, now all I can do is try to give her love an support without blowing myself out of the water. Why is that so hard?

This thing with my ankle, I went to sleep one night fine and woke up with the oddest pain in my right foot/ankle. It hasn't gotten any better, hasn't gotten any worse. It is swollen, in places, not always the same places. I didn't turn it or sprain it that I am aware of. I did however have a grody flashback in which I fell and turned my ankle (or turned my ankle and fell), while dancing, and the damage was severe enough I couldn't ever dance again. Formal dance, ballet, not just any old dancing.

I remember this all my life, it's not like it's something new to me, but it was a genuine grody flashback, in that it was 'you-are-there' reliving it rather than just remembering it. So did the grody flashback cause my ankle to react as if it had just happened? I dunno. I don't know if anyone does. It hurts like hell if I put weight on it, and shows a tendency to curl, but there doesn't seem to be anything actually wrong with it. Well, I will go to a dr. next week if it continues unchanged.

We are in the middle of a sharav. That's the hot desert wind. The temps are high, but I've got the air conditioner in my room set comfortably, and it does a nice job. The guest, Moshe, was complaining about being too cold. We gave him a blanket. It seems silly, but true.

I've also spent way, way too much time on the phone this week. I was supposed to be resting and napping and the phone rang twice today - once from a friend with a sick child who was freaking out, and once from D2, who was then a bit hostile when I spoke to her after TH did. Most days this week almost every free moment I've been on the phone. In the car, in bed, you name it. I can't even remember, although it was a lot of stuff from kids.

Oy, I just remembered there's a package from U.P.S. that needs some paperwork done, and I don't know if it got done or anything. *sigh* Must try and remember to nudge TH about it tomorrow and Sunday/yom rishon. AND getting that charge taken off of our account for a neighbour who has now grossly overused the privilege. TH was supposed to get that off the account more than a month ago, but of course it's not a priority for him. He just spends money. I'm the one who has to try and make it last and cover everything we need.

The new deck is beautiful. I can't wait for it to be done. And with a ramp. Crippled access, after only three years.

Anything else? I have no brain and am going to give up trying to type, just as I gave up trying to make sense a while ago. More crippled than usual, but having a pretty good time. Be well and Gd bless

I forgot to mention (I'm adding this later) that we watched a new (to us) movie tonight, Role Models, based on h2ophobic's review of it. It really was wonderfully funny - loved by everyone who watched it (all the kids and me, TH went to the beit knesset to daven tonight).

I'm listening to my fan, 'cause it's shabbos and nothing else to do.

:: Yesterdays : Tomorrows ::

~~~Last Five Entries~~~
Hi and goodbye - 2010-10-15
I'll be moving on - 2010-10-10
Gold membership and stuff - 2010-10-10
Decisions, decisions - 2010-10-07
Days to go - 2010-10-06