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Honey is Sweet

Another day - 2009-10-22

I'm grateful for: days spent outside on the deck; easy lunches and suppers; (some) things getting wrapped up.

I don't really know what to say. There is so much. Letter from a woman who knew Lloyd, and who wrote honestly about him (that's a first). Feeling lonely and it's all about grody flashbacks and remembering what a horror of a mother I had. And being alone, of course. I was always alone. I was either entirely alone, or I was alone with a tormentor/torturer/abuser. Always alone.

I'm not so much alone any more, but the feelings linger. Especially when having grody flashbacks.

I read a bit of the letter that woman - MW - sent to RS, and she responded by telling me some stuff that Lloyd had written to her some years back that she had never told me about. Some of it was about me, and would have made a difference had I known about it while Lloyd was alive. I was too angry to say anything to her, and there isn't really any point. He's dead, it's done.

Maybe it wouldn't have made a difference, how can I tell? It would have been nice to know. For instance, that Lloyd heard what I said to him, and that he was willing to try. It would have been good to know that. I'm really, really angry at RS right now. It's just as well I have no contact with her until Saturday. I have to keep the Saturday conversation to a minimum I think. I haven't time for this shit.

We got a collections phone call from @mex tonight. The debt is now almost five years old. TH once again (they were calling for him for some reason, but I'm just as happy that they don't demand to speak to me as they once did) explained to them that we would be happy to make payments on the debt, but that we can't make more than token payments for the foreseeable future - and maybe never more than that. We're willing to show good faith but... Once again the person we were talking to refused to hear/see anything resembling reason. The fun part was that she was dangling as a carrot before us that if we got in good with @mex, then we could once again have an @mex card! Where do they get these ideas?

So the woman was offering us a significant reduction on the amount we owe - over $10K reduction on the debt, if only we would commit to paying the remainder off in three months. Okay, six, but that was about as far as they would go. I mean! Hello, we haven't got that kind of money, nor are we likely to any time soon. We would *like* to have that kind of money, but, this is reality.

We no longer live in the U.S. We don't have a U.S.-level salary. We aren't paid in dollars. Assuming we gave all of our 'extra' income to them, after converting it into dollars, it wouldn't come to anything.

Anyway, no need to go into all the details, they are offering us a great deal, but it's still not good enough for us to be able to do it. What can you do?

TH ended up having to hang up on her, because she kept repeating herself over and over, and just wasn't listening to us when we said we can't do it. I suppose it's the job, but it is infuriating. If @mex had offered us five years ago what they are offering us now, we might have gone for it. We would have tried. But we aren't getting richer here...

I haven't been writing, not just here, but I haven't been writing emails, or anything else. I haven't been working on Hebrew or doing any housework or much of anything. I still have the sprained ankle. I do know how long they take to heal, but that doesn't stop me from testing it each day, hoping it will be better.

I did manage to do some laundry, and what's of note is that I hung two loads up on the clothes line by myself, too them both down as well, and folded the clothes. I've no idea how long it's been since I could put clothing up on the line. It was wonderful, not least because no one else hangs clothing 'right.' So that it doesn't dry at odd angles, or with weird clothespin-marks, or fall off the line into the dirt below.

I was outside on the deck today for a while, and I read a bit and finally (finally!) finished the Complete Short Stories of Saki. Oy! I think I've been reading that book for ever. It was wonderful, don't get me wrong, but I picked it up thinking it would be a quick read. Oy.

We have chicks and chicks and chicks and chicks. We talk about them as 'the chicks from the second to last clutch' or 'the two that are left from the first bunch' or other vaguely identifying phrases. I think we are done for the season, but five clutches of eggs, and some extremely satisfied hens. :-) We have next on our agenda building a new lul (chicken house) just for laying hens. No roosters allowed. Ordinarily I prefer to let all the birds free-range, but after this last season, we'd like to have some hens dedicated to laying eggs that we can eat, and we really have enough birds for a while. They are adorable. Absolutely adorable.

Almost as adorable as Kitten, who absolutely abhors going out on the deck with me. I'm not sure what she hates most - the deck, or having to go through the bathroom to get there. She hates the bathroom from her first days in this house. I don't know why, and have never worried about it. Still, as the back door is about to become a much more used entryway, it would be good if she could be got to go through it.

We had to get Kitten out of my room tonight, very sadly. She stayed in my room last night and the night before last, resulting in my getting absolutely no sleep. So, there it is. I love her, and she stretches out and purrs and is the sweetest thing, until about 2 or 3 in the morning, when she suddenly attacks me. At that hour, I can't rouse the house to get her off of me, and I can't cope by myself. So, someone has to take her away when the last person goes to bed. *sigh* She is so lovely.

S1's puppy has grown into just about the best-behaved dog we've ever had, if you don't count her persistently climbing on the furniture. She comes when called, will bring things to us (S1 taught her to respond to the word 'give'), is friendly and completely without any meanness or malice. She's worthless as a guard-dog, but as long as we've got the other two that's okay. ;-)

We are getting our new car tomorrow. We had this loaner car just long enough to get really, really clear on what a gas-hog it is. I'd like to give it back, really, I can't stand the thought of that much conspicuous consumption, but we really need that car. It's not as if we can shop around for a car that gets better gas mileage. This is the car that TH's employer provides, and we aren't paying a shekel for it (except for taxes on the value of the perk, which is between nothing and almost nothing). It's the only car we can get that is large enough for the family, and that's all there is. *sigh* I would never have bought, or rented, or leased, or had anything to do with something this blousey by choice. Ah, well. It's not for ever, right?

Also tomorrow TH has to go in to the office, not only because he has to swap cars, but also because he has to get a new computer. The one he was using completely died. Hard drive crashed. It's dead, Jim. He's getting a new work computer at work, but this will be a desktop computer. *sigh*

I've no idea where he will put it. Or how he will hook it up to the network here. Fortunately none of that is today's problem, and tomorrow is soon enough for going shopping for cables and whatnot.

Tomorrow night we'll have to do ALL of our shopping, and Friday we are going to visit the mother of S1's love. He is just living for the day, and I am worried sick about how it will turn out. At the very least, it can't be very bad for more than a week or so - they are all scheduled to leave the country, three of them Oct. 28th and the other three a week later. With parrots. Whatever.

D2 is coming down for the weekend, which will hopefully be pleasant. Hard to tell.

I've been guilty of neglecting both D1 and the grandkids the last couple of weeks - not because I want to, I've just not have the time or the brain. Still, we are doing video visits with the grandkids on Tuesdays, we did the third one this week, and it was again delightful, if short. GD1 is almost five, and the cutest and most attention-loving little girl, who's surprized? GS1 is almost four, and has finally gotten caught up enough to actually talk to us/listen to us on the video calls.

I guess that's it. I have emails to write, I want to write to D1, and really must write to a couple of other people. I have no idea when I might be able to sit here and write at any length again. Tomorrow or next week, or longer - Hashem is in charge. In the meantime I will be enjoying being out on our wonderful deck in the wonderful weather enjoying our wonderful animals.

I'm feeling guilty all the time about being a not-good-enough mother, but I can for the moment accept that it's just a feeling. I worry about S3 especially, but isn't that a good sign? That's I'm worried and trying to do better? I hope so.

Oh, and S2 phoned from the base tonight. Still no word on whether he's gotten into the special ops unit he wants. *sigh* While we were on the phone he got caught without his weapon, he'd momentarily forgotten about it. Oops! So he's got some sort of punishment, probably being kept back on base for an hour or two next Friday. He was very upset and I wasn't. So I feel bad about that, too. Except that I don't, really, I just worry that S2 will be unhappy with me. Need to get over that. Really, really need to get over that. Children will on occasion be unhappy with one. Often more often than merely on occasion. I'm really not so good at this stuff, despite decades of experience.

Well, I really must be off.

I'm listening to my own thoughts, for a wonder.

2 bleats so far

:: Yesterdays : Tomorrows ::

~~~Last Five Entries~~~
Hi and goodbye - 2010-10-15
I'll be moving on - 2010-10-10
Gold membership and stuff - 2010-10-10
Decisions, decisions - 2010-10-07
Days to go - 2010-10-06