I'm grateful for: a lunch at the end of the day; cherry tomatoes and parsley; things starting to look up, a bit.

Okay, so it's 2:20 in the morning, and I've nothing better to do than write a long, boring, detail-lacking entry about who-knows-what. I wonder if I will?

The most recent thing I've been doing is trying to find a laptop with a 20" screen for a neighbour's wife. I didn't know such things existed, and now that I've looked, it appears that they don't, really. I have one add for a used Dell, and one for a new hp that is so far out of the price range it really doesn't bear thinking on. What will we do? It may be that the neighbour will be happy to buy the used one, or it may have been a nice idea that flopped. Meantime, I've zoned out for a bit, not gotten too frustrated, and at least know that I tried.

Before that I was talking to MMF on the phone. Extremely frustrating. I think she is ready to stop talking to me again - we have long had some pretty long breaks, years even. It's been actually quite good for me, but I am feeling the stress as she swears eternal love to me, while straining to get off the phone. I'm not kidding. It's her 'getting off the phone' ritual, and if I dare to say anything, like, oh, 'I love you, too' or even 'talk to you later' she gets pissy and the whole thing gets more stressful and takes longer. I've learned largely to just keep my lips pressed together and wait for her to do her routine, but sometimes I just really want to get to say goodbye, or express some friendliness or thanks to her. I mean. *sigh*

So, this run is wearing thin. I'm sorry, I'd deluded myself into thinking that somehow we could manage to keep in touch, paring back to short little chats when not having matters of great moment to discuss. I suppose it's just not possible. MMF is really all about grand gestures and epic happenings, she doesn't DO just ordinary life very well.

I just want to be able to talk with her about whatever. Ah, well. So many things I 'just want.' So bloody many. You'd think I'd get over it already.

Before talking to MMF, I was talking with RS, who may pick up a mac mini for me before she moves here. It costs half or less in the U.S. than it does here, and I'd have it in less than a month. I am really, really tempted. Waiting to hear back from her, I suspect I'll end up ordering one online to have delivered to her. That should work for me. (Please Hashem)

While on the phone with RS, I got phonecalls from D2 and S2. S2 is back being miserable in the army, but there appears to be some hope. There is an army department for dealing with problems like S2 has had, and they are apparently working on getting him at the least a talk with the commanding officer in charge, and maybe even the transfer he's been trying to request. You see, it's not that he requested a transfer and hasn't gotten it, it's that he hasn't even been able to make the request. This is against army rules, so he stands a chance of being able to at least make his case. I am praying that it gets sorted out. He's been miserable for too long, and I am worn out with it. Really.

Having home for a week and a half wasn't just pleasant because he's good to have around, it was also such a blessing that for the whole ten days he wasn't phoning me being utterly unhappy.

D2 is stressing about money, big time. She doesn't have enough money to make her tuition bill this month and will have to go into the 'minus,' pronounced with a long ooo like in moon. Mee-noos. As everyone in Israel lives in the minus, I am not terribly concerned about this, but she has never been in debt and is really stressed about the whole thing. She keeps looking into finding more work, although she is in school full time and already working at translating and has a job at a spa doing massage. She makes decent enough money, and if the economy hadn't been so crappy all summer she might even have made enough to pay for her tuition this year, but it was not to be. So talking to her is a lot of 'trust Gd's and 'it will all work out's. She's less stressed and miserable than S2, presumably because she's older and has more experience?

D3 and I did a little bit of Hebrew studying, but D3 was really tired so it wasn't exactly inspiring. Still, the more we do, the more we are learning, and that's all there is to that.

TH read aloud to S3 and I from Wintersmith by Terry Pratchett, before going off for his Tuesday night out. He does a bit of Torah study, and theoretically at least talks about some of his issues with someone other than me. I've no idea, really, but at least it is something.

Eating today was bleak. I don't think I had a single appetizing meal. D3 made spice cookies, which were more or less edible. They need to be tweaked. We used a recipe that calls for white flour, only altered it for whole wheat, and used molasses instead of white sugar and brown sugar. Less molasses next time, more spices, perhaps a bit more liquid, maybe some milk? Will work on it.

A young woman came by to meet us, and we will try her out as a Hebrew tutor, at least for a little while. She wants way too much money, and I don't know that it will work out, but I have to try, right? At any rate, I want to try. I have to get some help for S3 anyway. Three years from his Bar Mitzvah, he'd better be able to read a bit of Hebrew before then.

I didn't sleep well, or long enough, so I napped on and off throughout the day. It didn't make for a better day. I felt so good last night, and today, now, I feel so rotten. I don't know how much if any of it is due to the phone call with MMF. I know I already wasn't feeling good by then, but I certainly felt worse afterward.

Too much time on the phone, for sure. I wish my legs would work well enough that I could do a bit of housework, it would soothe my soul. Seriously.

I'm still dealing with bits and pieces of the past - grody flashbacks. It is interesting and informative, like, I've now remembered and partially relived when mother broke my back. I always knew something had happened, but not exactly what. Talking with RS allowed me to nail down some details and get confirmation that what I remember/experience is the actual story. Handy having that sort of validation, too often I don't have any at all.

It's not 'the' cause of my M.S., probably has no relation to the M.S. at all, but it is interesting. My legs have never worked quite right and now I know why. Having better understanding means being able to function better in my body, and in the world, as it really is. Not knowing or denying what happened gives me a faulty mental map which causes bad (or less than optimal) decisions. There's some fancy speech for ya.

The anniversary of my uncle's death is fast approaching. I'm a bit worried, but then there is so much going on, and you'd think after years it would at least become routine. It's just at the end of Hanukkah - maybe I'll be too busy to pay attention. A person can hope.

S3 has been invited to a party in Ma'ale Adumim on Sunday in the afternoon. We can't drive him there, TH has to be at work in another direction. I'm not willing to put him on a regular bus or sherut by himself, it's two or three hours and he's only ten. He's never been on an bus by himself.

The young woman/possible Hebrew tutor told us of an express bus that leaves from Netivot and goes directly to the central bus station in J'lem. It's a religious bus, which means it is run for the religious who won't sit mixed men and women, always keep their heads covered, and so forth and so on. If TH can put him on the bus in the care of the bus driver, perhaps it won't be so bad. According to Egged it is still a two-hour ride, though. And awfully late at night for him.

Perhaps he can ride the bus in in the morning, and then spend Sunday night with FB after the party? It's a thought. Will have to see if that will work out. It would be better than him arriving in J'lem after 10pm by himself for sure.

I really am a wreck, and at the moment I can't help but blame MMF, not that it's her fault, but I had hoped for better. More fool me. I hope I will be able to sleep some. Grody flashbacks to not lend themselves to happy sleep. TH goes to work tomorrow, and I want to have some sort of productive day, somehow. Please, Hashem?

Good night, good wishes, sweet dreams.

I'm listening to my racing thoughts.

:: Yesterdays : Tomorrows ::

~~~Last Five Entries~~~
Hi and goodbye - 2010-10-15
I'll be moving on - 2010-10-10
Gold membership and stuff - 2010-10-10
Decisions, decisions - 2010-10-07
Days to go - 2010-10-06