| - Profile -+- Notes -+-Archives-+- E-Mail -+-Diaryland-+- Fotolog -+- Latest - |
|
Honey is Sweet Ugh! - and miracles - 2009-12-04 I'm grateful for: whatever interrupted me; spending companionable moments; how things do just keep getting better. Only writing because it feels like it's been a while. It's been a truly crazy three days just past. Now that I think about it, I guess it's not been so long. I just feels like it. Exhausted - so what else is new? - and feeling a bit low. S2 phoned not an hour before shabbos and was so sad and miserable and unwilling to accept -- there was a 'yes, but' to every sentence that I spoke -- and I was already so low I couldn't cope at all. I held the phone away from my ear when he was crying, and asked TH what do I do? TH was, unsurprizingly, worse than useless. I ask for help, and he walks out. It's happened before, it will happen again. Kids wanted things from me, just normal things like attention, and answers, that I just didn't have it in me to give to them. Interruptions aplenty, in that I don't think I had a single conversation that wasn't interrupted at least once. D1 phoned, but, mercifully after sundown. I'll feel bad about that later maybe, right now I'm just glad i didn't have to muster even a cheery voice. Most of what's wrong with me is just being so incredibly tired that it hurts to even think about it. Then, I wanted some 'quality' time with TH this week, and I know he wanted it, too. It never happened and leaves me feeling rotten. Feeling insecure and wanting reassurance that I can't get because he's that tired, too, and unlike me can get to sleep so he is. Conversations, too many of them, with RS have been strained and stressful. I don't know if it's her, or me, or both of us, or just the fact that we are getting close to her actually coming over here and she can't cope and I don't know if I can either. I do have faith that Hashem will make it work, but beyond that. Well. Her bedroom isn't finished, it doesn't even have a ceiling. MY room at least now has the painting finished. Which wasn't something that had to happen before RS got here, but on the other hand it really couldn't wait, either. *** Always interruptions. Whatever it was that interrupted then, though, I can't remember and I'm assuming was a good thing. It's a couple of hours later now and I am in a much better mood. Thank goodness! Still weak and still unable to hold my arms up (resting my elbows on my thighs, hunched over, as I type this), but not feeling anywhere near so bleak and unhappy. Whatever interrupted, and I really can't remember, I ended up going in to TH and saying I needed some time. And we talked, and he put his arm around me a bit, and we talked some more. We had a nice intimate time together, nothing terribly interesting to anyone who wasn't us. I did most of the talking, rambling about S2 and mother and A (my new Hebrew tutor) and so forth and so on. It was good just to connect on any level. Good that we were able to be companionable. And I eventually came back to bed to find my phone battery flashing low charge - which means that if MMF phones tonight she probably won't be able to get through. Such is life, and I can go to sleep (if I CAN go to sleep) without worrying about her phoning at 3am or whatever. :-) The thing about recovery of any sort is that it is nothing like a television drama. It's long and it's slow and it's mostly pretty boring. Miracles happen but they aren't the sort of miracle when I suddenly jump up and am cured. Rather it's spending a companionable forty-five minutes with my formerly highly abusive husband, enjoying one-another's company, coming to bed and knowing that tomorrow is as likely to be as horrible as today was, as it is to be wonderful, turned-the-corner, everything is looking bright and cheery. And that's okay. Unless someone has been following along for the last nine years (about as long as I've been on d'land, with one diary or another), or known me for the last twenty years or whatever, no one has a clue about what a miracle it all is. And, it's pretty boring to write about, too. :-) I am going to try and get some sleep, Hashem and the dogs willing. It's been an exciting night for them, some wild dogs have been howling, presumably from the area of the wadi. Tomorrow is another day, and I am hoping I will actually make it out on the mirpesset for the first time in a few days. It would be nice. If it's not raining. Which would also be nice. :-) Okay, I'm off. I'm listening to the keys going clack, the cavies squeaking in S3's room, and not much else. 0 bleats so far:: Yesterdays : Tomorrows ::
~~~Last Five Entries~~~ |
