I'm grateful for: a genuinely quiet day?; knowing that everything will be all right, it's just the crap in my head...; not having my head quite *all* the way up my butt.

The next best thing to being alone in the house, it's just D3 and I for the whole day. Yet, I still can't get myself up - there's this resistance to coping just knowing that there is another person in the house. *sigh* I don't like it, but what can I do? I've got mother living in my head...

Last night was horribly hard, and not made any better by any of the dozens of phone calls involved. TF was thinking of canceling the party that S3 had been invited to, and that I'd spend all week trying to figure out how we were going to get him to. TH said flat out he wouldn't drive him to J'lem. S3 has never taken a bus by himself and I was extremely uncomfortable putting him for his first solo bus ride on a 2-3 hour ride to J'lem. The sherut can be a tiny bit faster than the bus, but people are more shoved up against each other, and it would be harder for him. Eh, not worth going through the whole thing now, just that there I was, having to warn S3 it might not happen - or it might, but he might not know until he got up at the crack of dawn this morning whether or not he was going.

I phoned FB, who was going to meet him at the bus station, to warn him it might be off. I phoned TH, off playing soccer, to tell him it might be off. I thought of plans and other plans, and then TF phoned back and decided yes, the party was on, so I phoned everyone and then we made more plans. In the end S1 came to our rescue and offered to ride in to J'lem on the bus with S3, and then when S3 was safely off with TF would come back alone. Phew! So I can sleep more soundly (assuming I can sleep) knowing that S3 wasn't riding all by himself on an unknown bus-line, and not only that but S1 actually is getting out of the house and to do something. He doesn't get enough of that.

There were also phone calls from RS, and MMF, and - oy, I can't remember them all. S2 at least twice. None of them designed to make me any better between the ears. It was a long night. Not a happy one, overall. I felt lonely and cut off, and then I wasn't happy with myself for having my head up my butt - at least I managed to not beat myself up over it.

I just feel horrible, generally, and how much of that is just being so bloody crippled and how much is it being that time of the month (when I don't bleed anymore, but boy do I have the hormones). I don't know, but I know that feeling horrible like this is a regular part of my life, and likely to be for the foreseeable future at least.

Also, it's cold, which doesn't encourage my getting out of bed and being active. I'm eating potato chips for breakfast. Eh, it's better than sugar doughnuts. Sort of.

I want my life to change and be all better right now!

I want to not hurt. And, I want to be able to keep house, and do the laundry. I want to be able to hold a job (not saying I want one, taking care of this zoo is a full-time job thank you very much). I want to be able to cook meals, full, healthy meals, most of the time, and to be able to eat those same full, healthy meals. I want better personal hygiene and I want my six children to take turns desperately needing emotional support from me, rather than all mobbing me at the same time. I want S1 to get in the army or get a job, have something to do besides sit around the house (where he is not idle, but it's not enough for him, really). I want S2 to be happy, or at least accept his position in the army and move on. I want S3 to be more active, learn more Hebrew, learn more math. I want D1 to get over living in a continuous state of crises, get over Chris/the father of my grandchildren, accept that Hashem is providing, and move on with her life. I want D2 to get engaged already, to accept that not having enough money is a part of life, particularly when you are in college, and I want her to accept that, however I try, I can't make up to her for all the years I was not a good-enough-ima, get angry at me already, and move on. I want D3 to stop hurting. I want her to have some *good* friends - good friends being defined as people within reasonable shouting distance of her age who don't lecture her about going to school, don't say nasty things to her or behind her back, and don't 'forget' to invite her to their birthday parties.

I am not s dissatisfied with my life, but the things I am dissatisfied with are galloping about in my head.

Things to be grateful for, oy, that the paint is dry and I can move the furniture back against the wall.

I'm going to try and get up now. The bathroom is calling to me, cold though it is. It's not cold, really, but when I am in pain I am cold if the temperature drops below 75F, and it's more like 60F today. Cold for now. If I start feeling better it's just a nice day. The sun is shining. Ack, I feel like crap, and there it is. Time to stop whining about it.

I'm listening to the washing machine running in the next room.

:: Yesterdays : Tomorrows ::

~~~Last Five Entries~~~
Hi and goodbye - 2010-10-15
I'll be moving on - 2010-10-10
Gold membership and stuff - 2010-10-10
Decisions, decisions - 2010-10-07
Days to go - 2010-10-06