I AM grateful for: a place to spew until I know just wtf is going on; my lovely friends here; comments when they work, and notes when they don't, or something like that.

Well, it turns out that that was helpful. Amazing, no? 'Cause after writing all that, and wallowing a bit more, it suddenly occurs to me what the date is. Oh, that.

Today is the sixth anniversary of my uncle's death. Yup. That'd be it.

So, having figured that out, I had a good cry - am having a good cry, really, although this is a bit of a hiatus. D3 is vacuuming in my room, a good time to take a break and type rather than pour the tears.

It's six years. I think I should be over it already. I should be over it by now. 'They' say it takes five years to get over a major trauma, so, it's been more than five years, right?

I know, I know, but the thoughts, they do recur.

Rather than getting my room more put together, or 'finished,' I'm going to be making even more of a mess, a balagon, and giving RS my aron. Aron is hebrew for 'closet,' or maybe 'armoire' is better. Anyway, it will make a brilliant partial wall, allowing TH to just hang a bit of nice curtain in the remaining space and voila, it is a separate room. That means I will have no closet or means of storage in my room, which allows me to then put pressure on TH to build me a *real* closet. That would be the old fashioned, built-in, walk-in kind of closet I had my whole life in the U.S. I miss them.

In the meantime however the chaos is mounting. On the plus side, if the house is that chaotic, then RS bringing her form of chaos in won't make much of a difference really. Or rather, what difference it does make won't be so noticeable. I really want this to work, despite really low expectations. She can be so VERY insane. No, really, she makes me look good.

So, according to RS, according to mother neither RS nor I are disabled. I'm just lazy and have 'bored housewife's syndrome,' her prescription is that I need to put the kids in school and get a job. RS on the other hand (according to mother) just needs to get more rest and have less stress in her life.

Agh! I'd rather be depressed than writing/thinking about that sh*t. I had this really depressing thought, I hope RS isn't coming here to die. Followed by the thought that I don't know if we can survive it if she is just going to come here in order be nursed by us for the rest of her life. I know that's not her conscious intention, but I remember what happened the last time she tried to move in with us. Ugh.

Okay, D3 is finished, and I am going to go back to my memories. My uncle, PITA, the only parent I ever had, my favourite perp, the centre of my life for so very many years, now a gaping hole - not so big a huge gaping hole as it was but still a gaping hole that I haven't yet managed to sort out or fill up.

Maybe I'll read some tehillim (psalms) instead. They make me cry, too, but I feel that at least I am working on my Hebrew.

Later.

I'm listening to the dryer running, as suddenly all other sounds seem to have stopped.

:: Yesterdays : Tomorrows ::

~~~Last Five Entries~~~
Hi and goodbye - 2010-10-15
I'll be moving on - 2010-10-10
Gold membership and stuff - 2010-10-10
Decisions, decisions - 2010-10-07
Days to go - 2010-10-06