I'm grateful for: having a heater, despite it's seeming inadequacy tonight; being willing to take risks; all my children alive, healthy, and safe tonight.

I'm struggling with self-hatred again. I don't know what to do about it besides just keep on doing whatever I can to distract myself. I know it will pass, or at least I will eventually fall asleep and then tomorrow is another day. Dare I hope it is not a grey, cold, miserable, wet day like today? With hail yet.

The hail was kind of fun, actually. Really big balls of ice, thick enough that it made walking difficult as people would slide on them. Not me, I didn't go outside today. I'm not sorry, either, other than I didn't get to spend any time with the animals, except a very short and annoying cuddle with Chamudah who can be very annoying.

Balta came in - that doesn't describe it. Balta, for the first time in living memory, decided the weather outside was too bad to lie around in. She's an Australian Shepherd, with long white hair (with spots), a BIG dog, and she pretty much stalked into the house and shook herself so thoroughly in the hallway it wasn't safe to walk there for quite a while.

I want some cheese.

That's only a non-sequitor (sp?) because no one can see me casting around for some. I had one small hunk of cheese, not quite the last of the cheddar from the U.S. It was a *long* time since we last had any real cheese, and it may well be a long time again.

Paula, who used to be on d'land, has offered to send some so maybe we'll be lucky, I dunno. Cheeeese. How can one live without good cheese? ;-)

It is so frigging cold here... My feet feel frozen inside my sheepskin slippers. I have the heat set at 27C, and I still feel cold. I assure you the temperature in the room is NOT 27C, despite what the heater things it is doing.

S2 phoned several times throughout the day. He was up, he was down, he was hopeful, he was despondent, he was cheerful, he was scared. If I ever wanted to live on an emotional roller coaster I've gotten my wish.

Interspersed with his phone calls were calls from D2 and some assorted other people that I can't remember anymore except for EB, who was my neighbour across the street when I lived in Ginot Shomron, and has remained a good friend. It was very nice to hear from her.

I spoke extremely briefly with FB. I don't know what was up with him, and I'm glad I didn't have to find out as S2 rang me again while I was attempting conversation with FB. If I ever wonder about my social abilities and all that (and I do), I have only to talk to FB to be reminded that it's not *so* bad, and I've come a VERY long way. Yeesh. Scary to think that at one time I may have been capable of only that kind of stilted, non-conversation, occasionally letting out short non-related sentences.

Maybe I'm over-stating it a little. Nah, I don't think so.

I've been struggling and struggling and struggling with the question of what and how much to say and to whom in a new online group I've joined. I really like this group, like what the other people have to say, and want to feel a part of it which I can't do if I'm keeping secrets, especially secrets that relate to how and why I don't feel like a part of the group. But then, there are so many things that I just can't say in a public forum. So I'm kind of feeling my way by braille - I don't remember where I got that from, but it's a good description of the process - trying not to keep things to secretive, while not foolishly blurting out too much or in the wrong company.

It's never easy.

I'm listening to the fan on my heater - I wish it felt like it was actually heating.

:: Yesterdays : Tomorrows ::

~~~Last Five Entries~~~
Hi and goodbye - 2010-10-15
I'll be moving on - 2010-10-10
Gold membership and stuff - 2010-10-10
Decisions, decisions - 2010-10-07
Days to go - 2010-10-06