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Honey is Sweet

Another day - 2010-03-02

I'm grateful for: taking care of myself a little bit better; cheese from Paula, the best care package I could have hoped for today; new movies and old music.

It's just after midnight, and I really am trying to get to sleep tonight. Really, I am! ;-7

Today was ... better. I still got too little sleep, slept too late, and was grumpy and miserable for most of the day. BUT. I managed to take care of myself better than I have, not talking to D1 on the phone when she called, making it clear to people I'm just not capable of doing more, or even what I have been. I've just scraped emotional bottom, and I need to recover some of my strength before I can go back to being the one everyone leans on.

A friend of mine who has no kids, nor husband (and is in her sixties) remarked to me 'it sounds to me like you take care of everyone else, and no one takes care of you.' I *didn't* roll my eyes - 'cause sometimes I can be nice like that - but did tell her that that's just how it is when you have kids.

I'll grant you that doesn't explain the husband or sister, but anyone who's known me for any length of time already knows enough about TH and RS to know that helping me is NOT their highest priority by several.

Add to that the number of people who've offered to let me lean on them, and then turned on me, and I'm doing quite fine on my own, thank you. Okay, I'm not doing so fine today, this weekend even, but overall I am.

Realizing how much of the struggles have to do with Lloyd's death helps, 'cause I know first of all that it's normal, and second that it will pass. Most of the struggles that aren't related to or the aftermath of Lloyd's death have to do with RS moving here and that is also going to fade in time. Not her having moved here, but all the work involved in making it happen.

Slowly, slowly we will get the house put back together, and better than it was. Slowly we will make all the adjustments that are necessary, boundaries will be drawn, and defended (and defended again). The clutter gets less, the house gets better, and life gets easier. It is terribly slow, and living with it all is terribly frustrating but on the other hand, it will be worth it and it will be *SO* much better. I just have to hang on.

And on that note, I've made myself a promise to go camping this summer. Hopefully, a lot. It doesn't cost much now that we have tents - I do want to buy a new cooler - and it will be such a desperately needed break.

One very nice thing about Israel is you never have to drive very far to get completely away from your own area. I live in the 'coastal plain' sort of. Real desert isn't very far south, mountains aren't very far north, beach front is less than an hour away. The dead sea is less than two hours away, hot springs are three hours away. Three hours away from where we lived in Vermont took us to the Massachusetts border. It's not that there weren't plenty of lovely places to camp, but here we can visit entirely different types of climate (if that is the correct word).

So, that is my plan for the moment. I am GOING to have fun. I am GOING to get away, even if it's only for a day or two here or there. I live in such a wonderful place, I am going to enjoy it!

Hashem willing.

And I'm going to try to get some sleep now. More will be revealed, or something like that. I'm still too self-involved to have much energy for other people, but I AM remembering people in my prayers. Best I can do today.

I'm listening to Xenomorph: Post Human

0 bleats so far

:: Yesterdays : Tomorrows ::

~~~Last Five Entries~~~
Hi and goodbye - 2010-10-15
I'll be moving on - 2010-10-10
Gold membership and stuff - 2010-10-10
Decisions, decisions - 2010-10-07
Days to go - 2010-10-06