I'm grateful for: A good nap; regaining a little more sanity; learning to let go (again).

Today was an event, I went for a walk! To most people, not such a big deal, but the last time I went for a walk was maybe ten months ago? I can't remember. It could be longer.

I woke up and sat quietly for a while, thinking I was up to a walk and planning it out. Planning is necessary, because I've only so much energy, and if I'm not going to have it leached away coping with a whole lot of other things, I need to figure out how to do it.

I got D3 to help me dress, and made sure that everyone knew I was going for a walk and wasn't talking to anyone. The route of the walk had to be thought about, too, as if I walk down the street, particularly on shabbos, I *will* have to talk to people. It's quite simple, I have energy for walking, or energy for talking, not both. D3 came with me, and we brought two of the dogs, Chamudah and Balta. Chamudah is the Labrador-crossed with something with very short legs, and Balta is our Australian shepherd. We walked out the house and then around the cottage to take the driveway (such as it is) back to the fields. Walked very briefly in the fields - I have a *very* hard time walking on uneven ground - and was lucky enough to find a bit of an old pile of hay to sit on and rest. When Chamudah had had enough (she is usually ready to return to the house in short order), I got up - another minor miracle) and walked back with D3 and Balta kind of treading on my heels. I am not that fast, and I am not steady, but we made it.

The rest of the day was largely uneventful. I stayed in my room, still without energy to talk to people. TH read aloud to S3 and myself. After shabbos I talked briefly with S2, who was in much better skin at his base, and coming home on leave tomorrow.

RS and I had a nice little program talk - about disability, and avoidance, and how Hashem makes things work. I had a nap attack, and then TH and I watched twenty minutes of television. Quiet, pleasant, peaceful.

I'm putting some work into not feeling guilty about not taking care of the chickens, dogs, children, house very well, or not at all. None of the children are small enough they cannot fend for themselves. Everyone is largely healthy. My guilt isn't helping anyone. It's very hard, but I recognize I haven't been acting as if Hashem will take care of things, which is not only bad for me, but bad for my whole family. I'm getting back into just trying to do the next right thing, more than I have been, and letting go of everything else. It is hard, hard, hard just at the moment. I don't know why it's much harder than it has been at times past, but there it is.

I'm listening to Korn: Kupper's Electro-Tek (Radio edit)

:: Yesterdays : Tomorrows ::

~~~Last Five Entries~~~
Hi and goodbye - 2010-10-15
I'll be moving on - 2010-10-10
Gold membership and stuff - 2010-10-10
Decisions, decisions - 2010-10-07
Days to go - 2010-10-06