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Honey is Sweet A decent night's sleep - 2010-08-19 I'm grateful for: a night's sleep; cuddly critters; a tiny breath of sanity in an otherwise mostly crazy life. Another crazy email from MMF today. It's odd, and hard, I really don't know what to do with it. I had a similar exchange (not word-for-word, but so close it's scary) with a shrink some twenty+ years ago. Not long after she and I had first met, actually. The shrink flipped out, accused me of being 'rude' when I'd told her I couldn't cope with what she was saying (at the time) and then, when things were a teensy bit calmer, informed me that she'd gone over our exchange and would say it all again. So - today's email from MMF - she says she stands by everything she said. Except that - everything she said is pretty much completely divorced from reality as I know it. I'm not such an egotist that I am so utterly convinced of my own rightness that I am just dismissing her, so I've checked with some other people about things that she's said. About me. The end of the situation with the shrink is I just never saw her again - duh. I don't have any clue what the end of this is, except that I am absolutely certain that we need to take a break from each other. And I have no way of ensuring that such a break doesn't become permanent - she isn't reading what I'm writing. Just like when we were talking, I have no idea what the hell she is responding to, because what she says bears no relationship to anything I've said or done. It's funny, but the thing that goes through my head when I write all that is that if she died while we weren't speaking, I just couldn't bear it. It seems to be a thing with me - back in my teens (no, twenties?) a very dear friend died. We'd had a sharp disagreement and he'd treated me badly so we'd stopped talking. He had cancer and took a sudden turn for the worse and died while we were at odds. That's bothered me for years, and in the meantime my best friend for a year in high school died while I we weren't speaking, and of course my Uncle died - were weren't fighting, but we weren't in contact. Another old, old friend died a couple of years ago, cancer again. We'd needed to take a break from talking to each other. She said I was 'too intense' and she wasn't up to it, and it took me a while to get my head reset around that. She died in the meantime. I could do better now. The dying person needs to do what they need to do, and I wish I'd been more able to do what she wanted and just chat for a bit. And of course Lloyd, who I hadn't been speaking to for years, so it's less obviously part of the theme, except that there is no one in my life who's died when I was there besides some of my animals. To keep talking to MMF while she is so utterly beyond reach is absurd. She's not hearing or reading what I am writing anyway. She's having some dialogue in her head that doesn't include me. So she'd just better not die until this gets sorted out. On the up side, I slept for eight hours I think, for the first time in about a week. I don't feel 'all better now' of course, but I do feel rather a bit more alive and alert. That's good, since I have to go grocery shopping with TH and D3 later today. Or possibly right now today. I haven't talked to anyone yet except for Kitten and S1's dog, Samantha. I put a few more photos up on my fotolog, but I haven't the energy for putting up a whole bunch at a stretch, so it's taking a long time. Such is life. RS and I had a REALLY good talk yesterday about MMF, and the nature of the insanity, that was quite satisfying. It hasn't erased all constraint, but things are a lot less tense around here as of last night. My back is killing me and I don't know why. Probably need to get up and get away from the computer. All I did is turn the computer on, log on to here and type this, but the body has it's limits and right now they are very, very close. Kitten is upside-down, twitching, with a paw over her face and adorable. I'm glad I let her stay in here when she popped the door open this morning. I'm listening to the air conditioner, and odd voices from whatever movie the children are watching. Oh, it's MASH, the tv program 1 bleats so far:: Yesterdays : Tomorrows ::
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