I'm grateful for: getting off the phone, if not in good time, at least as quickly as I could; wonderful children who love me right back; a little bit of a plan.

I had a bad night. (If you had a bad night, why should I suffer?) I can't explain that, it's supposed to be funny. It's a quote taken out of context, altered slightly, and somehow it keeps going in my head despite it's nonsensical quality.

I did have a bad night. With no idea what it is/was about. Finally slept even later than last night I think. Woke up having a dream in which I was a bookkeeper for a restaurant. The details kept changing as dreams do, but in the end it was an Arab restaurant, and I had a son (S3?) who came to work with me and spent the whole day there because otherwise he would have been home alone. The people who worked there were okay but odd. There were all sorts of little thing in, around and about it, but a fundamental theme was that I am on my own.

Really on my own. The only thing I can count on is Hashem. And, as a cripple, I can't really look to be self-supporting, I live on someone else's indulgence. It sounds pretty bleak but that's not what gets to me. It's the feeling/knowledge that if I only had a little bit of encouragement - and I don't mean the teeniest bit, a reasonable amount of encouragement but not a HUGE amount - I might be capable of so much more. Dunno - maybe that's my wishful-pie-in-the-sky thinking again. Since I'm not likely to find out, there's not much point in worrying about it.

It's not that I mind being only a crippled mother who every now in a great while goes for a walk or writes something that may or may not be worth the paper it's (not) printed on or puts a few more rows into a knitting project that will apparently never be finished. If I got some encouragement for doing the best job I can at what I can do, I think I could be quite reasonably satisfied.

But I have the itchy, uncomfortable feeling, all that time, that I should be doing more. I literally *can't* do any more than I do. That's how and why I run myself ragged, I get so rundown as I have done that I can't get out of bed or talk on the phone.

--I wish I couldn't talk on the phone - it would've saved me from that nightmare 'chat' with S1 last night. My first real conversation with someone on the phone since I realized how badly beaten down I'd gotten, and she's all full of her cousin to whom everything comes easy (he's financially successful and earned an advanced degree), and how she's going to write a screenplay and make 10's of thousands of dollars and she believes it won't be that difficult. She hasn't written it yet, she is writing it. And going on in painful detail about some movie she didn't even like. And how Le0na@rd di C@prio is a great character actor because he plays the same character over and over again (Oy! I know, and, don't ask). Such a phone call is somehow not designed to make me a happy camper. It makes me want to throttle her, or alternatively, fly to the U.S. and kidnap my grandkids... there's more to it than that but I am unable to write it coherently without going on at even greater length than this so I give up.

Yah, so. Bad night. There are things I'd like to accomplish today, if only to feel like I am making some sort of progress in *something.* But the odds are bad. Only just waking up at noon. Haven't managed to open my door to the day yet. I want to clear the crap out of my life, but how to do that? I've no clue. I must make a start, though...

Hashem is in charge. I do the work and Hashem determines the results. I am exactly where I am supposed to be, and I am good enough. Wish I believed that.

I have a great deal to be proud of, and if no one else in my life sees it, then that should not be my problem.

I am not here to live up to the expectations of other people.

I let myself get dangerously emotionally depleted. Let's not do that again.

I'm not listening to anything at all, at all.

:: Yesterdays : Tomorrows ::

~~~Last Five Entries~~~
Hi and goodbye - 2010-10-15
I'll be moving on - 2010-10-10
Gold membership and stuff - 2010-10-10
Decisions, decisions - 2010-10-07
Days to go - 2010-10-06